If It’s Not Good, It’s Not The End

I was recently at a sober prom party and as the result of being present, I noticed a magnet on the refrigerator door in the amazingly beautiful home hosting the party. It read, “Everything will be good in the end.  If it’s not good, it’s not the end.”

It’s a perfect description of my faith in a God that wants nothing but love and light for me and every other human.  It’s the reason I can let go of trying to control and judge my environment.

One of the biggest aha moments I’ve had in sobriety this time around has been the loss of the need t o label events in the past and present as “good” or “bad”.  Working daily on becoming more and more conscious and awakening spiritually has created that paradigm shift in my thinking and perspective on everything, including loosing judgement on what I think should happen in life.

Now, I can move with ease throughout my day open to my experience with widely open eyes. In coming to believe in a God I can trust my life with as well as the lives of others I care for, all experiences that occur just seem to become necessary as part of a greater plan.  My children living with their alcoholic father, under his care for the first time without me physically present, as part of my losing custody, is a necessary experience they need to have as part of their path.  I can let go and trust that God is caring for them in the same way he cared for me all along.

There is definite freedom in the letting go of these labels, judgements and all the emotions attached to them.  When I can look back at the entire picture of my life and feel absolute gratitude for every tiny moment that has taken place and truly understand that there needs to be no guilt, shame or disappointment because of it, I not only feel more faith but freedom.

This has just simply been my unique journey.

When I sit with another person like me and have an honest conversation about what I have struggled with just for them to have that sigh of relief from the realization that they are and have not been alone, it all seems worth it.

I can relax in the fact that everything from the people who I come in contact with, to how they behave, the choices they make and things that happen around me as a result are not my responsibility but just become a part of my journey, a mirror, a lesson, a blessing or all three.  There is a lesson for growth in it all.  I can stop judging everyone and everything. There is a greater plan at work and I just play my small part in it on this planet.  I was in bondage of the negativity that comes from being dissatisfied by the result of how I think something should have turned out, when I can’t see big enough to understand what true outcome.

Who am I to say that any experiences I had in the past that I had viewed as absolutely horrifying at the time was not something that I had to go through to get to where I am now?  Without any part of my story, would I be propelled towards the growth I seek today?

Who am I to define an event as good or bad when I am not the one in charge of this world and have no idea of the ultimate plan that God has for all of us? Doesn’t my experience give me the opportunity to help turn on the light in another human being, like those who have had similar  experiences as I, traveled the road before me and lift me up with the hope that comes from the overcoming of these trials themselves?

These fellow traveler’s live amazingly free.  In witnessing that, I find hope.  My faith strengthens because this is happening now for myself and others as well.

The more I turn my attitude towards light, the more light I shine in this world.  When someone is suffering, I can recognize it as such and be loving while staying out of the result of their experience.  The more I treat others with love and kindness, no matter how they treat me, the more I feel loved.  When I feel loved the more love I recognize in the world. To me, this complete surrender to the idea of a divine plan, is true freedom.

The driving force in my life today is to be in the moments of life, love and connection with others.  The more I seek spirituality, the more pleasant life becomes around me, which continues to grow and grow.  People come into my life that are traveling the same path with the same vibration and together we seek something greater than what exists in the material world.  A world that blinds and distracts us from what is real.

For a girl who had lost all hope in humanity and wanted to exit this earth out of complete and utter despair, my new perspective on life and all humans in seems nothing less than miraculous.  Most importantly, I did not do this alone.  I have relied on God every step of the way.

A Mom Living Apart From My Babies

As I sit here smoking a cigarette overlooking the pool on my patio steps, two hours a way from where my home used to be where my two sons live, tears fall down my cheeks in waves.  I finally opened the cellophane wrapped school pictures that were taken this year.  I was given them almost two weeks ago when I last spent the weekend with my children for a visit.

Why have a waited almost two weeks to take out the tucked away photos and look at them for the first time?

Maybe because I wasn’t ready.  Maybe because it is too painful.  Maybe because it is a bitter reminder of a picture day I had missed for the first time.  A first time I did not pick out there clothes the night before, styled their hair in the morning and let them know as they went out into the world for that day that they are beautiful inside and out.

This is the most recent in a series of first events or occasions I have missed since getting sober this time.  I was not there for Christmas, New Years, a first basketball game of the season, a first high school baseball game, a 15th birthday and now, a school picture day.

Why do I not run home to them when my soul aches to be near them?  Why do I not seek and manipulate a way back to them so I can be a part of these occasions that have belonged to me and to us for so many years?

The answer is because of what I am and the disease I suffer from and what is necessary to treat it.  After many, many attempts to run back to be a physically present mother first and not putting the treatment of my disease number one over everything else, I have yet to “stay” clean and sober.  Once again, I am back to a beginning after going through another period of great suffering trying to get and keep this thing called sobriety.

I just can’t be the mother who puts everything else before my own well being and make it work.  I can’t go back and be the mother I was at one time.

My primary purpose on this earth is to stay sober, seek God and help others do the same.  The only solution to my condition is a spiritual awakening.  I have finally suffered enough defeat to thoroughly understand this concept.  I must seek God and work towards a growing consciousness, finding my purpose on this planet if I am to be free from needing to alter myself chemically just to exist in the world.

For me, it’s one or the other.

I have found that spiritual growth and constant focus on clearing away the things that block me from myself, God and others gives me a daily freedom from the need to alter myself.  There is nothing more important to me today that having this freedom and keeping a centered and peaceful inner self.  Only with this work do I get a life, experience joy, laughter and gratitude that fills my heart.  Who would have thought that what I had been seeking all along in alcohol and drugs, which turned on me and failed me, I would find in spirituality and God?

I may not be the mother I once was, in the way I was but I still get to be a mother and my boys still get to have me in their life in a better way.  Today I believe that I will be a mother that is more impactful than what they have ever gotten to experience before.  I will be the kind of mom that God intended me to be, a light to balance out the darkness, a way out of the problems and a guide to becoming who they are meant to be.

I will be an inspiration.

This hope and faith is what keeps my butt where I am.  It’s not easy and some days are harder than others.  But it’s not just about me anymore and how I feel about things.  This has become about all of us, ascending into a better life, something greater.

My part in this?  Well, it’s to stay on the path set out for me, remain teachable and to keep seeking answers from within.

For today, I am okay, my children are okay and everything is exactly how it should be.

Trusting God With My Children

I just got back from my first overnight visit with my children in what was my hometown just about 4 months ago.  It still sounds weird to me that I am visiting my children.  These are little parts of me that I have raised since I gave birth to them and I don’t live with them anymore.  They are part of me and I am part of them.

Why don’t I live with them?  Why do I just visit, sometimes for just a few hours, this time for just short of two days?

The answer is still evolving but for right now, it’s so I can save my life and follow what God wants for me.

I have two voices that speak to me constantly, one is the voice of my ego and one is the voice of God.  Ego says that to be a mother, I must live by the standards of other human beings,  living with my children, making their meals, taking them to school, sports, playdates, helping with homework, having sleep overs and the rest that goes with being physically present, all while trying to not medicate myself so I can deal with the life I would live there.  If there is time left over to find out who I am and my purpose on this planet, do that last.  The voice inside of me that is God says that I need to be away from them, for right now, and continue to seek his will for me.  God says I need to stay where I am so that I may be surrounded by those who carry the light to show me the way.

I don’t know what kind of mother the universe wants me to be.  For now, it’s not what the world will tell me.  My place is physically somewhere separate from them so I can be there with them spiritually and emotionally in a way that I was unable to be before.  One day my place may be back in the same home with them or maybe it may never be that way again.  Unless I put my spiritual growth number one and seek to be of service to give away what I have found, I don’t get to be a mother and my children don’t get me at all.

My primary purpose on this earth is to seek to raise my own consciousness and help others do the same.  This must happen for someone like me or I will cease to be the authentic spiritual being I am, sliding back to darkness and possibly never coming back.   It matters to me less and less everyday what others think of what I do and the kind of mother I am today and more what my relationship with God tells me.

Through that I am finding the freedom I have always been looking for.

Russell Brand’s The Messiah Complex

As someone who has been in a media coma for months and no longer watches television, reads the magazines at the check out line of the grocery store nor pays attention to the “news” of the world, I recently was referred to watch Russell Brand’s Messiah Complex tour.  It was brought to my attention by someone who I trust and know shares the same hopes for the raising of the planet’s consciousness so we may, as humans, be led to make the world a better place.

I honestly had no idea what his new tour was about, no idea what I was about to see nor why my friend thought I should see it.  It was truly amazing and has had a lasting effect on me.  I highly recommend that people check it out and can find the show in its entirety on Youtube.  

I didn’t know a whole lot about Brand and still don’t.  I honestly was never a fan of his work and the little I saw of him, I wasn’t really excited about.  However, after watching this show, which to me was absolutely brilliant, I have become absolutely fascinated with his transformation.  

It leads me to be compelled to discuss the question that I believe most people must be asking, what is happening with Russell Brand?

What I see is the raising of awareness, consciousness and an awakening of the spirit right before the public’s eyes.  Watching the transformation of a young person so desperately seeking fame for fulfillment, following the lie told to us from the time we are born in our current culture that money, fame and admiration equals happiness, to a drug addict/alcoholic who found a solution not only to stop using, but to awaken to the truth about his life and the interconnectedness of the lives of every human being on the planet, can only be described as miraculous.

This excites me to watch because I have now found myself yet again on the same spiritual journey.  As much as I have my own opinions on fame and those who relish in it, it seems to be for Brand and for the rest of us, the perfect venue to speak out and gain the much needed attention of the world as to how what the problem is and how we may go about creating lasting change.  

I have been aware for quite some time about the sickness that pervades our global population and all of it’s symptoms, yet had no answers as to what the solution to all of this pain and suffering would be… until now.

What I believe Brand is getting at is that the change must come from us first.  Until we realize that we are all the same, spiritual beings on a human journey, until we realize that we can tap into a power that carries us towards the light that can overcome the dark and give us wisdom aiding in learning to think bigger, beyond the power of what we now perceive as reality, the effort for change is futile.  We can only move towards a solution by raising the consciousness of ourselves first and then give it away to help raise another one person at time.  There was a time when I just didn’t know.  We don’t know until we know.  Then we can start helping in sharing not only the severity of the problem, but one by one we can share in the solution.

After watching The Messiah Complex, I was enthralled to watch an amazing interview he appeared in, A Brand New Politics with Mehdi Hasan, delving deeper into his message, which included questions by the audience asked of Brand as to what kind of actions he proposes to create change.  I highly recommend if you enjoy The Messiah Complex that you check out this interview as well.  

I used to believe that change would happen by addressing the policies and systems that control and enslave us, and to some degree that can be true, but the solution is bigger than that.  It has to start with God.  The good news that the God that lives in each one of us and has a purpose for us all, is bigger than the people, money and global systems that keep the public distracted with the physical world.

It’s awakenings like Brand’s and the work he is doing to share the message of hope and solution that create a ripple effect across the globe that touch each and every one of us who witness it.  In the same way, my awakening and compulsion to write on this topic today to share it with you, will hopefully create another ripple to start and reach all of you.  When you pass it on to others, and on and on it goes, there is no limit to the power of change.  

It starts within each one of us.  Today.

There Is A Way Out Of The Darkness

There was a time I didn’t believe in anything but the problems in the world and everyone in it.  It’s like all I saw was suffering, pain, heartache and the unfairness of it all.    

Only through looking back on what landed me where I am today can I see that I just had to put “something” in my body to survive, to deal with that despair and try to appear to other humans like  I was functioning fine like I believed everyone else to be.  I always thought that I was the one that was somehow “wrong” because I could not achieve this false idea of success that I thought I saw everyone around me obtaining.  I would have spurts of physical world achievement, the job, the money, the house and then always at some point, burn out and take giant steps backwards.  Sinking deeper and deeper into what I viewed as failure, hurting more and more people and harboring more and more resentments, the world closed in around me.

I had no idea that my vision of the world was directly a result of the way I felt about myself.  If someone would have told me this at the time, I could not have heard it, like a lot of things said that make an impact on me today.  I had been asleep, unconscious and distracted by the physical world.

Today I am able to here what I need to here to keep evolving spiritually to head towards the truth. It comes one piece at a time, which for an impatient person like me sometimes feels like it’s not enough but I know that it has to come slow for the growth to take root.  Only when I slow down and work to quiet my mind am I able to really see things that I need see to take the next step in fulfilling my purpose on this earth.  Today I know that I can’t ever be a part of any solution unless I take a hard look at myself and be that change first.  If immersed in the voice that lives between my ears, I start believing that I need things, people and events to be okay.  My reality becomes the thought that the only solution to find happiness and fulfillment in this world has to be only in those things appearing, people behaving and events happening exactly the way I want them to.  That is a lie that I will tell myself if not constantly striving to stay God centered.

There is such freedom in the awareness that I can rely on something bigger than my head today.  I can listen to the voice of God that resides in me.  When I listen to that voice, I have hope, experience love and the people around me appear not as the enemy but the same as me and I feel connected to everything.  

The universe is truly opening up today in my life as a direct result of having faith in God and the willingness to give every part of me and my life over to the care of that God.  I am so relieved that I don’t believe anymore that living a life with purpose has to come from me, because alone, I can’t do it.

Awakening of My Spirit

If there is a hell on earth, I lived in it before becoming sober about 85 days ago.  I believe that though my body was living in the physical here on earth, mostly locked in my bathroom or in my car which is so strange to think about now because I had a nice home.  My spirit literally was living in the darkness that I relate to be similar to hell.   I had believed the world and all it’s humans had wronged me, wronged the human race and had made a decision that all I needed or wanted in my life was myself and my alcohol and drugs.  I was broken by the events that took place during this last year or so of my life.

As alone as I felt, I only created more of what was killing me by pushing everyone away.  When I say I lived in darkness, I mean I was emerged in the problems.  I took on the world and all of it’s suffering, all of its corruption, all of the sickness and lived in the belief that there was no hope for anyone especially not me.

Near the end of my old life, I had no one.  I spoke to people when I absolutely had to but it very seldom.  I remember sitting in my house, with all lights off in complete darkness, totally alone, frozen with fear and wishing for death.  I wasn’t ever afraid of dying, I was afraid of living.

Looking back, I know there was a part of me that knew that I was always meant for more.  I knew I was meant to be or do something, that there was something more out there that I didn’t have the power to perceive from the point I was at then but the frustration and pain of not being able to “get there” was just destroying my soul.  I couldn’t live in the place I was living, around the people and the problems I had place myself with and not quiet my mind or body with drugs.  It was just too much.

I thank God every day for the pain I lived in then because it brought me to what I have been seeking my whole life.  What I have been searching to live in is the light.  It was not me or my decisions that brought me to the beautiful life I have today.  It was most certainly a power that cannot be seen.

The more I elevate my consciousness, the more I follow the God within in me, the more the world changes around me.  The more I turn my focus within and work on being the change I want to see in people and the world, the more full my soul becomes.  The old situations and people just seem to fall off around me.  My world is becoming limitless and amazingly wonderful.  Things that happen every single day in my life, could be called coincidence, however I see them to be nothing else to me but God carrying and providing for me.  I don’t even need to vocalize what I feel I need in my life.  I just think of it, small things to big things and they just happen.

I get what I need everyday.  I just follow the directions that I know  have worked for others and have been set down for people like me to guide me to have a spiritual awakening.  Amazingly enough, it works.  It really works.

Why Would An Alcoholic/Addict Seek God?

I recently heard someone quote Mark Twain with “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”

I’ve found that only through complete and utter emotional destruction and devastation have I felt the desire from within to seek God and what my true destiny on this planet was meant to be. It has to be more than just abstinence from all mind altering substances.  I cannot stay stagnant.  I have to keep reaching upwards and growing spiritually for my spirit to survive on this planet.  I choose to use the word God because it’s a shorter, universal term that everyone can recognize and it’s a more simple term when attempting to explain the power that we are unable to recognize with our limited senses, know inside of us is there however the name is less important than the idea. I use God to describe that thing that resides inside of me, you and inside every living being, the thing that connects me to you and everyone else on the planet.

It is tough to explain God but I experience it everyday.

A nurse explained it like this.  She takes care of people in the intensive care unit.  They can be unconscious for weeks at a time, in bed, fighting for their lives.  She is by their side, knows everything about them, cares for their every need and helps to keep them alive.  One night, when a man she had been caring for woke up out of his coma and he jumped at the sight of her.  He had no idea who she was, which seemed strange to her since she had been the one who had been there the whole time, more than his wife or family, during the time he was fighting to stay alive.  She put her hand on his shoulder and said, “Honey, I have been here watching over you and caring for you the whole time.”

That is what it is like for me when I realized I became conscious to God being there and caring for me my whole life but being completely unawake to it all.   Whether I knew it, believed it or denied it, God was always there.  And I have finally been awakened.

When I take one step forward even when I don’t feel like it, getting out of myself and taking action on the intuitive thought of how I can be of help to another human on this earth, working to keep my own will and selfish desires at bay and continue to grow on a spiritual path, I find peace.  My heart is full and I feel unconditional love.  Ironically, I find more peace in following that small still voice inside me and in doing for others than I have ever felt by manipulating and managing my own life to get what I want, which is usually in the physical world.  Those things never fill me up. I always want something new shortly after I get it or I just find myself wanting things that are not meant for me, therefore creating wreckage and causing myself pain.  A spiritual hole will never be filled successfully with anything other than God.

I tried every way imaginable for over 24 years and nothing has ever worked like seeking God.  Since I have honestly sought to improve my spiritual life I have never felt alone, ever.  There is a new power in what I have found.  I never feel like the answer is to resort to cocaine, opiates or alcohol to make me feel better anymore.  For someone like me, who has survived this long in this life only by the aid of these things and has needed drugs like I need air to breath, it’s truly a miracle that I am clean and sober today.  I couldn’t be without them and do what normal people do.  I could’t exist.

82 days ago, I told my family to just let me go.  I said at my intervention, “Just let me die.  It’s all that’s left for me.  I can’t live anymore like this and I can’t live without it.  It would be easier for everyone else.”

Today, my life is amazing and more importantly, I want this life!  A scared, empty, little girl with no where else to run and no desire to fight through life (especially sober) is now living in the Hollywood Hills, in quite possibly the best Sober Living in this country, with amazing experiences everyday, the best recovery that exits, a family of women whom I love with all my heart and love me and hope for the future.

I had nothing to do with it either.  I did not want it.  Never-the-less,  I was carried to and through rehab, carried to Los Angeles in this house that is filled with God and given something to fuel my soul while I find out why I am meant to still be here today, with trying to die more times than I can count.

If not me, then who?  If all the pieces of the puzzle that so intricately paved my road to take me on this journey to now, the situations that had to happen to push me to let go , had nothing to do with me, then who orchestrated it?

The answer to me is clear.  It is God working in my life.

It took loosing everything, absolutely everything in my life, children, material and relationships, to finally free me to find my purpose on this earth. I had to loose all the old to make room for new. I had to literally start with nothing so I could start on a new path. Everyday I stay where that voice inside me, which is God, tells me to stay, the universe opens up to me and it fills my heart so much more than any drink, drug, food or sexual experience has ever done.

Miracles happen all around me and before becoming conscious… I just had been missing them all.