I will never feel the love I’ve been looking for by seeking to get it from others. It is by giving love that I feel love.
In the phrase giving love, it hints that it is a verb, an action, not a thing or noun.
Love is in the commitment to the action of being loving.
What that looks like for me is showing up when I say I will, teaching others what I’ve come to know, telling the truth whether someone wants it or not and not having this love be conditionally attached to people’s attitudes, actions and behaviors.
I take myself, my selfish needs and desires out of the equation and do what’s in the best interest of the other person.
Because I could never get any of the things I might be seeking from another anyway, it comes from my all loving creator.
So if I need nothing from you, if you could never take anything away from me by anything you say or do, there comes the love independent of conditions.
The closer I get to knowing this truth, not by my intellectual mind but by experience, the closer I get to feeling the oneness with my creator I have been craving my entire existence.
There is nothing more powerful than love.
Nothing more powerful than truth.
Nothing more powerful than God.
What else on the planet can penetrate the thickest walls?
Brighten the darkest corners?
Fill up empty hearts?
Envelop a room, completely unseen, yet felt with an overwhelming warmth?
Make the pain of years melt away?
Bring us to spill tears of joy?
Instantly remove fear?
Gain trust in an instant?
Unify us all?
I am so grateful for this journey as crazy, busy, messy, and just silly as it had been at times.
The beauty is revealed to me as I take moments to sit back and just watch those around me.
Women come into my life when they have hit bottom, beat down, their lives are in turmoil and the problems are stacked high against them, yet they still can relax, have fun, laugh and be silly.
To see them just let go, maybe for the first time in their lives, if for only a few moments, and find the joy in just being totally makes everything worth it.
Everything I went through, the depths of darkness, allows me to relate to others and send a message of hope.
I can say that I have been there, I’ve experienced that and I felt like that but I’m free of it and they can be too.
Just to know that no matter what happens when they leave here, that hopefully they have felt love without any conditions attached, that I’ve done my job of loving them well, is all I can hope for.
Today has been a good day.
I spent my whole life wishing I could just be like everyone else but never quite getting there.
Now, the furthest thing from my wish is wanting to be like everyone else.
I want to think, act and live out of the box.
The box is used to contain us and keep us from ultimate enlightenment and higher consciousness.
One of the main reasons I never felt like others is that I saw what others couldn’t see.
I didn’t know at the time that it was truth that I was seeing but those around me couldn’t.
There needs to be those of us who will withstand the criticism and backlash from those who do not understand and are stuck in their own separate reality, cut off from our creator.
Some of us need to find the courage to shine a light on the darkness.
It is time to come forward and share the message of truth.
It’s time to stand for something.
The problem of being stuck in self was the root of all my problems.
When I all I think about is how I am going to manage in this world, how I am going to have money, security, a career, friends, lovers, having fun, safety and everything else I can obsess about, the result is misery.
For me everything goes back to the relationship I have with my creator. If I trust this thing, if I believe it is always by my side, guiding and protecting me, then I have much less fear about life and my place in it.
I have surrendered to the fact that I am here to do the will of my creator first and not my own.
That doesn’t mean I don’t get to have an amazing life. In fact the more I put others first and serve my creator and humanity, the more my life steadily improves.
It sometimes feels like getting out of self is against my natural inclination. However it is only my ego that fights it, not the ultimate nature of my being.
I just continually do all I can to keep the gift of my awakening alive and take actions to not slip backwards into unconsciousness.
It works, it really does.
Today marks eleven months of sobriety without any mind altering substances.
Coming to believe in an all loving creator has transformed everything about me. Building a relationship with my creator, placing my life in his hands and slowly walking step by step, hand in hand with faith, has made this last eleven months the most amazing time in my life.
It has been full of triumphs and heartache. I have had moments of feeling lost and moments of bliss.
That’s the human experience.
Most of all, I finally have the solid belief that anything is possible and limits have seemed to fall away.
Continually I learn, grow and awaken.
How could I not be grateful for my life as it is today compared to how I’ve lived before this?
Never would I have been able to predict how my life was going to turn out so far if I would’ve been asked a year ago.
A year ago I was in the darkest time of my life. I didn’t know it could get that dark.
Yet it did.
I was full of terror, hopeless and had a feeling of impending doom, as I predicted the end of my life had finally come and I could see it happening in slow motion before my eyes.
I had lost my sanity, stuck circling the drain of madness.
My 2 sons were scared of me and for me, with the rest of my family baffled as to what to do with me.
I had lost everything.
The memories and flashbacks that come of the last year are a gift, for it reminds me of where I came from and pushes me forward to seek something better.
I hope I never forget.
Today my life looks so different on the inside and outside. I have a full life with people who inspire and encourage me, an amazing career in helping others that have come from where I did and most importantly I am able to love and be loved.
I know am on the path I need to be on because everything just falls into place.
I have a purpose on this planet and my most important job is to seek and fulfill what that is.
Gratitude fills my heart for being lifted out of my old life.
I have been reborn.