I recently heard someone quote Mark Twain with “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
I’ve found that only through complete and utter emotional destruction and devastation have I felt the desire from within to seek God and what my true destiny on this planet was meant to be. It has to be more than just abstinence from all mind altering substances. I cannot stay stagnant. I have to keep reaching upwards and growing spiritually for my spirit to survive on this planet. I choose to use the word God because it’s a shorter, universal term that everyone can recognize and it’s a more simple term when attempting to explain the power that we are unable to recognize with our limited senses, know inside of us is there however the name is less important than the idea. I use God to describe that thing that resides inside of me, you and inside every living being, the thing that connects me to you and everyone else on the planet.
It is tough to explain God but I experience it everyday.
A nurse explained it like this. She takes care of people in the intensive care unit. They can be unconscious for weeks at a time, in bed, fighting for their lives. She is by their side, knows everything about them, cares for their every need and helps to keep them alive. One night, when a man she had been caring for woke up out of his coma and he jumped at the sight of her. He had no idea who she was, which seemed strange to her since she had been the one who had been there the whole time, more than his wife or family, during the time he was fighting to stay alive. She put her hand on his shoulder and said, “Honey, I have been here watching over you and caring for you the whole time.”
That is what it is like for me when I realized I became conscious to God being there and caring for me my whole life but being completely unawake to it all. Whether I knew it, believed it or denied it, God was always there. And I have finally been awakened.
When I take one step forward even when I don’t feel like it, getting out of myself and taking action on the intuitive thought of how I can be of help to another human on this earth, working to keep my own will and selfish desires at bay and continue to grow on a spiritual path, I find peace. My heart is full and I feel unconditional love. Ironically, I find more peace in following that small still voice inside me and in doing for others than I have ever felt by manipulating and managing my own life to get what I want, which is usually in the physical world. Those things never fill me up. I always want something new shortly after I get it or I just find myself wanting things that are not meant for me, therefore creating wreckage and causing myself pain. A spiritual hole will never be filled successfully with anything other than God.
I tried every way imaginable for over 24 years and nothing has ever worked like seeking God. Since I have honestly sought to improve my spiritual life I have never felt alone, ever. There is a new power in what I have found. I never feel like the answer is to resort to cocaine, opiates or alcohol to make me feel better anymore. For someone like me, who has survived this long in this life only by the aid of these things and has needed drugs like I need air to breath, it’s truly a miracle that I am clean and sober today. I couldn’t be without them and do what normal people do. I could’t exist.
82 days ago, I told my family to just let me go. I said at my intervention, “Just let me die. It’s all that’s left for me. I can’t live anymore like this and I can’t live without it. It would be easier for everyone else.”
Today, my life is amazing and more importantly, I want this life! A scared, empty, little girl with no where else to run and no desire to fight through life (especially sober) is now living in the Hollywood Hills, in quite possibly the best Sober Living in this country, with amazing experiences everyday, the best recovery that exits, a family of women whom I love with all my heart and love me and hope for the future.
I had nothing to do with it either. I did not want it. Never-the-less, I was carried to and through rehab, carried to Los Angeles in this house that is filled with God and given something to fuel my soul while I find out why I am meant to still be here today, with trying to die more times than I can count.
If not me, then who? If all the pieces of the puzzle that so intricately paved my road to take me on this journey to now, the situations that had to happen to push me to let go , had nothing to do with me, then who orchestrated it?
The answer to me is clear. It is God working in my life.
It took loosing everything, absolutely everything in my life, children, material and relationships, to finally free me to find my purpose on this earth. I had to loose all the old to make room for new. I had to literally start with nothing so I could start on a new path. Everyday I stay where that voice inside me, which is God, tells me to stay, the universe opens up to me and it fills my heart so much more than any drink, drug, food or sexual experience has ever done.
Miracles happen all around me and before becoming conscious… I just had been missing them all.