If there is a hell on earth, I lived in it before becoming sober about 85 days ago. I believe that though my body was living in the physical here on earth, mostly locked in my bathroom or in my car which is so strange to think about now because I had a nice home. My spirit literally was living in the darkness that I relate to be similar to hell. I had believed the world and all it’s humans had wronged me, wronged the human race and had made a decision that all I needed or wanted in my life was myself and my alcohol and drugs. I was broken by the events that took place during this last year or so of my life.
As alone as I felt, I only created more of what was killing me by pushing everyone away. When I say I lived in darkness, I mean I was emerged in the problems. I took on the world and all of it’s suffering, all of its corruption, all of the sickness and lived in the belief that there was no hope for anyone especially not me.
Near the end of my old life, I had no one. I spoke to people when I absolutely had to but it very seldom. I remember sitting in my house, with all lights off in complete darkness, totally alone, frozen with fear and wishing for death. I wasn’t ever afraid of dying, I was afraid of living.
Looking back, I know there was a part of me that knew that I was always meant for more. I knew I was meant to be or do something, that there was something more out there that I didn’t have the power to perceive from the point I was at then but the frustration and pain of not being able to “get there” was just destroying my soul. I couldn’t live in the place I was living, around the people and the problems I had place myself with and not quiet my mind or body with drugs. It was just too much.
I thank God every day for the pain I lived in then because it brought me to what I have been seeking my whole life. What I have been searching to live in is the light. It was not me or my decisions that brought me to the beautiful life I have today. It was most certainly a power that cannot be seen.
The more I elevate my consciousness, the more I follow the God within in me, the more the world changes around me. The more I turn my focus within and work on being the change I want to see in people and the world, the more full my soul becomes. The old situations and people just seem to fall off around me. My world is becoming limitless and amazingly wonderful. Things that happen every single day in my life, could be called coincidence, however I see them to be nothing else to me but God carrying and providing for me. I don’t even need to vocalize what I feel I need in my life. I just think of it, small things to big things and they just happen.
I get what I need everyday. I just follow the directions that I know have worked for others and have been set down for people like me to guide me to have a spiritual awakening. Amazingly enough, it works. It really works.