There was a time I didn’t believe in anything but the problems in the world and everyone in it. It’s like all I saw was suffering, pain, heartache and the unfairness of it all.
Only through looking back on what landed me where I am today can I see that I just had to put “something” in my body to survive, to deal with that despair and try to appear to other humans like I was functioning fine like I believed everyone else to be. I always thought that I was the one that was somehow “wrong” because I could not achieve this false idea of success that I thought I saw everyone around me obtaining. I would have spurts of physical world achievement, the job, the money, the house and then always at some point, burn out and take giant steps backwards. Sinking deeper and deeper into what I viewed as failure, hurting more and more people and harboring more and more resentments, the world closed in around me.
I had no idea that my vision of the world was directly a result of the way I felt about myself. If someone would have told me this at the time, I could not have heard it, like a lot of things said that make an impact on me today. I had been asleep, unconscious and distracted by the physical world.
Today I am able to here what I need to here to keep evolving spiritually to head towards the truth. It comes one piece at a time, which for an impatient person like me sometimes feels like it’s not enough but I know that it has to come slow for the growth to take root. Only when I slow down and work to quiet my mind am I able to really see things that I need see to take the next step in fulfilling my purpose on this earth. Today I know that I can’t ever be a part of any solution unless I take a hard look at myself and be that change first. If immersed in the voice that lives between my ears, I start believing that I need things, people and events to be okay. My reality becomes the thought that the only solution to find happiness and fulfillment in this world has to be only in those things appearing, people behaving and events happening exactly the way I want them to. That is a lie that I will tell myself if not constantly striving to stay God centered.
There is such freedom in the awareness that I can rely on something bigger than my head today. I can listen to the voice of God that resides in me. When I listen to that voice, I have hope, experience love and the people around me appear not as the enemy but the same as me and I feel connected to everything.
The universe is truly opening up today in my life as a direct result of having faith in God and the willingness to give every part of me and my life over to the care of that God. I am so relieved that I don’t believe anymore that living a life with purpose has to come from me, because alone, I can’t do it.