I just got back from my first overnight visit with my children in what was my hometown just about 4 months ago. It still sounds weird to me that I am visiting my children. These are little parts of me that I have raised since I gave birth to them and I don’t live with them anymore. They are part of me and I am part of them.
Why don’t I live with them? Why do I just visit, sometimes for just a few hours, this time for just short of two days?
The answer is still evolving but for right now, it’s so I can save my life and follow what God wants for me.
I have two voices that speak to me constantly, one is the voice of my ego and one is the voice of God. Ego says that to be a mother, I must live by the standards of other human beings, living with my children, making their meals, taking them to school, sports, playdates, helping with homework, having sleep overs and the rest that goes with being physically present, all while trying to not medicate myself so I can deal with the life I would live there. If there is time left over to find out who I am and my purpose on this planet, do that last. The voice inside of me that is God says that I need to be away from them, for right now, and continue to seek his will for me. God says I need to stay where I am so that I may be surrounded by those who carry the light to show me the way.
I don’t know what kind of mother the universe wants me to be. For now, it’s not what the world will tell me. My place is physically somewhere separate from them so I can be there with them spiritually and emotionally in a way that I was unable to be before. One day my place may be back in the same home with them or maybe it may never be that way again. Unless I put my spiritual growth number one and seek to be of service to give away what I have found, I don’t get to be a mother and my children don’t get me at all.
My primary purpose on this earth is to seek to raise my own consciousness and help others do the same. This must happen for someone like me or I will cease to be the authentic spiritual being I am, sliding back to darkness and possibly never coming back. It matters to me less and less everyday what others think of what I do and the kind of mother I am today and more what my relationship with God tells me.
Through that I am finding the freedom I have always been looking for.