Freedom In The Now

How I practice getting in line with the voice of God inside of me, what my spirit is trying to tell me, is to focus on these questions:

What would I do today if I had no fear?

What would I do if I shut off my thinking and followed what my soul needed?

If I had no past and no future?

What what I do that brings me joy?

What would I need to say to those in my life so my soul can be at peace?

Could I be free of what other people think of me if there was no tomorrow?

What could I let go of?

What really matters to me?

If I created my own reality, what would it look like?

Power of Conscious Contact

The longest period of sobriety I had before I relapsed yet again, was a gift. I believe it gave me a taste of what life could be like in Alcoholics Anonymous, abstaining from mind altering substances and a glimpse of the existence of God.

Just believing that God existed was not enough, for me. I couldn’t completely surrender to a God I didn’t trust. Therefore I still felt that I had to control life and people around me to feel okay.

I had heard people say that God is love, but I didn’t believe it.

I heard people say that I could find the voice of God inside of me, but I didn’t believe it.

Without realizing it, I made people my higher power. I was always asking my sponsor what to do when I had a crisis. She would tell me what to do. Sometimes I did it, sometimes I didn’t.

What happened was when I didn’t follow her “advice” I felt guilt and shame and started hiding things from her. Without building a conscious contact with God to find the answer within myself, I would ask other people what they thought and pick and choose who else’s advice I might listen to.

This was very confusing.

I never stopped to think that if I knew nothing of how God worked because I was not God, how would anyone else know? How could a human tell me what I should do when they weren’t God either?

Now sober again, the direction I have been given is purely towards a spiritual solution and the steps to get closer to God. The things that are suggested I do by my sponsor are to work the steps to find answers within myself.

This has given me a new way of life. I have a new power to navigate through life. I am not dependent on others to find my way. I can hear my fellow humans in a different way, listening for God in what they say instead of feeling pressured to do what others think I should do.

I know that no matter how much I understand what the voice inside of me says, which is my intuition, or how strong my knowing is for myself, I can’t pretend to know what it would say for other people. So how could I ever carry judgement or tell anyone else what they should do?

I know I needed every second of my past, especially the pain, to get me to today. I needed a bottom and a surrender.

I am forever grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It brought me to God and gave me a new life.


When The Solution Makes The Problem Worse

I have alcoholism. It’s a disease that centers in my mind. My thinking mind, I was recently told, is to identify problems and set goals. The rest of the stuff the goes on in my head is bunch of crap that clouds my ability to hear my spirit.

As much as I have become aware of the difference in the two voices, when my ego, or call it my thinking, takes over, it feels like reality and it’s awful. It causes me to suffer, always and every time.

I was able to open myself up to loving without conditions through understanding the hold my alcoholic thinking has had over me, getting an understanding of what drove my actions and removing judgement of myself and my past. This has enabled me to lose judgement of others because this inside job has given me the clarity to see we are really all the same.

Achieving this consciousness, a channel was cleared so I could begin listening to my spirit, has taken willingness and work. I allowed God to strip away the fear and walls around my heart and soul so I can experience loving others separate from how they act, behave or personally affect me.

But this clarity and connection with my fellow humans takes constant focus, especially when ego wants to take over. When I am hurt, my initial response is to shut down and close off my heart. My mind tells me that people cannot be trusted, I never make good decisions, I should have seen this coming and that when things are good, be afraid that it will end because it always does.

I doubt everything. I’m clouded by fear of people and the future.

It’s sad. It’s sad that my solution would be to shut off my ability to feel the only thing I know that heals anything and everything, which is unconditional love.

The thing that saved me was the love of an amazing woman who saw something in me, took me in and showed me how amazing life can be when you allow yourself to be a channel for God to work through you.

If I cave and listen to my ego, the only place for me to go is downward. I can’t afford to go down again. I just can’t.

So today, even when I feel pain that seems like it would break me, I know the solution and I reach for it.

One more time.

Pain and Courage

Pain is a part of the human experience.  It cannot be avoided, neither run nor hid from, or shoved to the side for very long.  Part of life on this planet, honestly living, involves emotional pain.  Why is it then that our very nature is to try our best to pretend that it won’t exist for us?  That through diligent thought, manipulation and effort to control the environment and people around us, we may somehow avoid the inevitable, is one of the great illusions for human beings.

Even armed with the knowledge that after every storm comes the most beautiful and breathtaking sky, that storms much like feelings don’t last forever, we struggle to keep things constant.

The flow of the universe and all life within it is always changing and never constant.

In looking back through my life, I can see where in the moment, I didn’t understand why things had to happen as they did.  But as time separated me from those events I have been thankful for the things that happened and the lessons I learned as a result because it has taken me to the person I am today.

But fear keeps us from doing the things that our spirit craves.  It keeps us disconnected from others.  It keeps us from experiencing love, as we build walls of protection around our hearts.

The problem is that it keeps us from living.

Instead of leaping into living life and loving those who touch our lives, we say to ourselves, “This is how I will manage to get what I need without getting hurt.”

With black and white thinking, we don’t even realize that the answer is not in the opposite action, choices or direction we had done times before.  The answer is not in managing out lives at all.

Looking at our fears, taking the power out away by becoming conscious of them, relying on a power that is greater than ourselves and having the courage to step through them is where we find freedom.  Walking head on through uncomfortable feelings, having faith that joy most certainly exists and awaits us on the other side of fear, we find freedom.

When we constantly work to uncover our fears and shine a bright light on them, we move more easily through life and can be present to see the amazing things that God has placed in our path for us, that with our thinking mind in charge, we may just entirely miss.


Ego’s Pull Into Darkness

As mush as I have grown spiritually, mentally and emotionally in the last four and a half months, as much as I have awakened to the truth of the world around me, I still and may always feel a pull towards comfort that includes darkness.  It’s frustrating when I experience it.  I keep finding myself thinking that I with hard work and constant contrary action to find answers, I will escape the noise that resides in my head and wants me right back in the hell I was living in.

The only way it can get me back there is to convince me that it looks different then it actually was in truth.  Living in a fantasy world is my curse.  I don’t remember things exactly as they happened.

Ego says I will never become anything.

I can’t be self supporting.

I am going to fail. I am weak.

I am so much worse than any other human.

I have no talent for writing.

No one will ever love me.

I will never experience a loving relationship.

I will never have true friends.

I will never be a good friend.

I will be alone.

I am alone.

I will always be alone.

I am thankful for the gift of becoming conscious that those thoughts come from my ego and I do not have to listen to them.  There is another voice inside of me, call it God, spirit or intuition, that is opposite to those thoughts and feelings.  I thank God that there is a larger part of me today that carries hope for myself and the future, then the part that may believe in those lies.  I operated for a lot of years on this earth not even knowing what ego was or how it drove every decision I made.  I didn’t have a fighting chance on any way of living outside of its control.  Today I have been handed a way of life, a gift with the secret of how to become conscious of the power it has had over me.  Ego has literally had control of the wheel of the car that has driven me through life with the authentic me in the back seat.

Today, I allow God to steer the wheel.

And that is freedom.


Music has always been extremely important to me and my spiritual, mental and emotional well being.  It really has the power to alter my mood and I choose very carefully what I listen to.  

I recently rediscovered The Sundays, a British band that I listened to years ago, that always made me feel really good.  There’s something about the lead singer’s voice that is angelic and the accent doesn’t hurt either.

Here are the lyrics and a link to Love, off of their 1992 album Blind.


Picture myself as a thin white child
Back to the day I was born on
They slapped me into line as it crossed my mind
I’ve felt better
I’ve felt worse

This is my life and it’s all very well
But never, never, never again
As they say “We’ve been robbed”
And don’t you know that this time

Love, love, love, just love yourself like no one else
Love, it’s enough
They can say what they like but they still can’t take that

Distance myself from the things I’d like but
Everyone has something I need
Don’t let me wake up & find
All those others leaving me behind

If you don’t have a clue about life
Then I’m happy, happy, happy to say
Neither have I although
I’m not going to shrug my shoulders & suck my thumb
This time
Cos there’s something I deserve

Love, love, love, just love yourself like no one else
Love, it’s enough
They can say what they like but they still can’t take that

Picture my house in a postcard town
Picture a bomb in the sky
History at your door
Who could ask for more?
I’ve felt better

So kill me with love, love, love
Just love yourself like no one else
Love, it’s enough
They can say what they like but they still can’t take that

Peace Is In Each Moment

All the ideas I had based living my “old life” on, ones I never knew I believed let alone consciously questioned where they came from, have proven inafective.  They had been keeping me in bondage.

I’ve been blessed with the gift of clarity and awareness to the truth.  Inititally it was like a blindfold lifted from my eyes.  Now, it’s like a slower process of my eyes focusing to the adjustment of a bright light after only seeing darkness.

Living in a state of being “off to the races” as some call it, speeding through life in an effort to do the most, get the most and feel the most I possibly could, had me under the allusion that I would find wholeness.  The problem was, I was missing everything and found nothing but a never ending rabbit hole that led me to hell.  I would’ve kept chasing that lie had it not been for a divine intervention.

I was in a constant fight with everything and everyone.  Nothing was ever acceptable to me.  No outcome was good enough.  No person acted as I thought they should.  God was punishing me.  Life was futile.  My whole emotional well being was dependant on outside factors lining up just the way I wanted.  

And they never did.

Coming to and breaking down, I saw that I knew nothing of how things should be for me or anyone else.  I saw in my own life that I needed pain, loss and insanity.  Though not liking it (and I still don’t), I needed it to surrender my will and rigid way of thinking.  I needed to experience lack of control to see that I control nothing outside of my own actions.  

Relief is allowing things to be as they are.  Peace is not needing things to happen in any certain way, by seperating myself and my feelings from what happens around me, allowing the flow of the universe to just pass through me.  

Moving slow and steady, training my thinking to stay in the day I am in and focusing on experiences in each present moment, help me stay centred.  I am aware of and experience synchronicity.

I can feel connected.

I can be loving.  

I can be free.

Knowing that in this very moment, separate from the chaos of the past and the fear of future, I am okay, I can find peace.

Everything is beautiful today, right here, right now.  I am right where I am meant to be.

Life is unfolding right before my eyes.  Instead of futile and tragic, it appears fascinating and exciting.

Ego Wants

Excepting things just as they are at this exact moment in time is often difficult for someone like me. Someone who is constantly searching for answers and a clear path to follow. With desires and dreams that my spirit yearns for, it’s hard to know which way to turn sometimes.

I want to live but I don’t want to make mistakes, experience pain or have to know yet again, rejection.

I have vulnerable episodes when ego wins over spirit, where in the moment it’s hard to see why I want or feel I need the things I do. My thinking mind spins in circles of endless questions that seem hopelessly futile.

This is all around wanting a partner to share life with.

Why do I feel so connected to this person?

Why do I feel like I need this person in my life?

Why does my soul just want to be around them?

Why can’t I just say my truth directly to them and let the chips fall where they may?

What if I miss my chance and that moment is forever lost?

What if their life course changes in a instant and that someone who may have felt the same, let go of the idea of me because they can’t read my mind?

I was afraid.

And the open window of fate slams shut?

Why have I not able to have someone in my life that I can share my everything with, a reciprocal connection on a deep and spiritual level?

How do I know when to act on opportunity or when to hold back and be patient?

What if it was them?

What if it’s not and I am wrong?

And then I ask God for help.

I’m ok, alone, in this moment.

I remember that I’m developing an intuition through a connection with a God that, if I ask to quiet my ego, I will be able to hear. I remember that I trust God with my life and I know he will bring me more than I ever would have settled for.

It’s never in my time.

If I don’t have the answers I seek today, I keep clearing a path to find them.

I don’t struggle.
Today, I just have to be.
I trust.
I continue to love.