As mush as I have grown spiritually, mentally and emotionally in the last four and a half months, as much as I have awakened to the truth of the world around me, I still and may always feel a pull towards comfort that includes darkness. It’s frustrating when I experience it. I keep finding myself thinking that I with hard work and constant contrary action to find answers, I will escape the noise that resides in my head and wants me right back in the hell I was living in.
The only way it can get me back there is to convince me that it looks different then it actually was in truth. Living in a fantasy world is my curse. I don’t remember things exactly as they happened.
Ego says I will never become anything.
I can’t be self supporting.
I am going to fail. I am weak.
I am so much worse than any other human.
I have no talent for writing.
No one will ever love me.
I will never experience a loving relationship.
I will never have true friends.
I will never be a good friend.
I will be alone.
I am alone.
I will always be alone.
I am thankful for the gift of becoming conscious that those thoughts come from my ego and I do not have to listen to them. There is another voice inside of me, call it God, spirit or intuition, that is opposite to those thoughts and feelings. I thank God that there is a larger part of me today that carries hope for myself and the future, then the part that may believe in those lies. I operated for a lot of years on this earth not even knowing what ego was or how it drove every decision I made. I didn’t have a fighting chance on any way of living outside of its control. Today I have been handed a way of life, a gift with the secret of how to become conscious of the power it has had over me. Ego has literally had control of the wheel of the car that has driven me through life with the authentic me in the back seat.
Today, I allow God to steer the wheel.
And that is freedom.