I have alcoholism. It’s a disease that centers in my mind. My thinking mind, I was recently told, is to identify problems and set goals. The rest of the stuff the goes on in my head is bunch of crap that clouds my ability to hear my spirit.
As much as I have become aware of the difference in the two voices, when my ego, or call it my thinking, takes over, it feels like reality and it’s awful. It causes me to suffer, always and every time.
I was able to open myself up to loving without conditions through understanding the hold my alcoholic thinking has had over me, getting an understanding of what drove my actions and removing judgement of myself and my past. This has enabled me to lose judgement of others because this inside job has given me the clarity to see we are really all the same.
Achieving this consciousness, a channel was cleared so I could begin listening to my spirit, has taken willingness and work. I allowed God to strip away the fear and walls around my heart and soul so I can experience loving others separate from how they act, behave or personally affect me.
But this clarity and connection with my fellow humans takes constant focus, especially when ego wants to take over. When I am hurt, my initial response is to shut down and close off my heart. My mind tells me that people cannot be trusted, I never make good decisions, I should have seen this coming and that when things are good, be afraid that it will end because it always does.
I doubt everything. I’m clouded by fear of people and the future.
It’s sad. It’s sad that my solution would be to shut off my ability to feel the only thing I know that heals anything and everything, which is unconditional love.
The thing that saved me was the love of an amazing woman who saw something in me, took me in and showed me how amazing life can be when you allow yourself to be a channel for God to work through you.
If I cave and listen to my ego, the only place for me to go is downward. I can’t afford to go down again. I just can’t.
So today, even when I feel pain that seems like it would break me, I know the solution and I reach for it.
One more time.