The longest period of sobriety I had before I relapsed yet again, was a gift. I believe it gave me a taste of what life could be like in Alcoholics Anonymous, abstaining from mind altering substances and a glimpse of the existence of God.
Just believing that God existed was not enough, for me. I couldn’t completely surrender to a God I didn’t trust. Therefore I still felt that I had to control life and people around me to feel okay.
I had heard people say that God is love, but I didn’t believe it.
I heard people say that I could find the voice of God inside of me, but I didn’t believe it.
Without realizing it, I made people my higher power. I was always asking my sponsor what to do when I had a crisis. She would tell me what to do. Sometimes I did it, sometimes I didn’t.
What happened was when I didn’t follow her “advice” I felt guilt and shame and started hiding things from her. Without building a conscious contact with God to find the answer within myself, I would ask other people what they thought and pick and choose who else’s advice I might listen to.
This was very confusing.
I never stopped to think that if I knew nothing of how God worked because I was not God, how would anyone else know? How could a human tell me what I should do when they weren’t God either?
Now sober again, the direction I have been given is purely towards a spiritual solution and the steps to get closer to God. The things that are suggested I do by my sponsor are to work the steps to find answers within myself.
This has given me a new way of life. I have a new power to navigate through life. I am not dependent on others to find my way. I can hear my fellow humans in a different way, listening for God in what they say instead of feeling pressured to do what others think I should do.
I know that no matter how much I understand what the voice inside of me says, which is my intuition, or how strong my knowing is for myself, I can’t pretend to know what it would say for other people. So how could I ever carry judgement or tell anyone else what they should do?
I know I needed every second of my past, especially the pain, to get me to today. I needed a bottom and a surrender.
I am forever grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
It brought me to God and gave me a new life.