This tree I equate to the hand of God.
It exists as a unique, rooted beauty.
It doesn’t need to be taken care of.
It doesn’t need to be watered.
It is strong.
It just exists.
It just has to be what it is.
It needs to manage nothing, control nothing, nor figure anything out to be what it is meant to be in the world.
Sitting in this tree I remember that all I have to do on this planet is be and God takes care of the rest.
I am grateful for faith
The 12 steps
My beautiful boys
The relationship with my ex husband who I can always lean on no matter what
My mother’s love and support
The love of amazing friends who have become my family
The breeze that brushes past my skin
Because part of a whole is darkness do I define the whole as dark?
If pain exists in the space of a heart can joy find no room?
If choices are made can new ones travel back in time and erase what’s been?
Do I define myself by the sum of my past without considering the potential of my future?
Am I doomed to live in a world where labels, definitions, ideas, judgements, words, good, bad, right, wrong, enslave us all and I am only one of few in the lonely place with vision to see yet is not believed in?
Can there exist too much vision for one insignificant speck on the planet to handle?
Is insanity waiting to return to a mind and soul that naively perceived to have found peace or was it the cruel joke of perception that sanity never existed to begin with?
Can a path be changed that may be already written, predetermined, and must be fulfilled?
Say yes to everything.
Unless it will cause you harm, say yes to what comes your way.
Live life in the moments.
It’s easy to forget, the further I get away from the time I lived in complete darkness, that I am blessed to still be alive on this planet. It’s easy to forget everything I should be grateful for when I have the disease of alcoholism. The odds of surviving alcoholism aren’t good. It doesn’t mean it’s not possible to live a life that’s free and joyous, it’s just that people like me have to constantly work at it, constantly connect with a higher power.
This weekend reminded me of how fragile I am.
Looking back on things I seem to have more clarity than when I’m “in it”. My ego was hard at work before I was even conscious to it. I was already in a downward spiral of lack of faith and heightened fear. I was forgetting everything that had become clear.
My connection was fading.
I felt like I needed to go back to see my boys. I went back to the town where everything “happened” thinking I would be alright.
So I went.
When I got there my thinking mind went to work to screw me. I was not in a good place. But I was there. Every place I went I had horrible memories flash before me. It had happened when I had made previous visits but this time was different. It was vivid and “real”.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt uneasy. I felt and underlying anxiousness that would not go away. I prayed “God help me” over and over.
It seemed too late for that.
When the second night finally came I was not prepared for what was to come. A situation came up that I was totally not in a place to deal with. Suddenly not only did I not trust myself but I didn’t trust God or anyone else. Thoughts of a drink or a drug seemed inevitable. I just wanted the terrible feeling to go away. The worst of it had gone on for hours. It seemed like an eternity.
I felt completely at the mercy of my circumstances and my alcoholism. My mind would not allow me to accept help. It was almost over.
My life flashed before my eyes, especially about the last 6 months I have spent sober. I thought to myself how sad it was going to be, to end this way. I mean end this way because I wouldn’t last long if I went back to alcohol and drugs. I know it. I lived in complete hell. I can’t even stand the memories of it. The disease has progressed too far for me to live like that anymore. I wouldn’t come back.
I don’t know how I asked for help when it felt like everything in me was fighting it. Maybe my previous praying did work. I know it was God.
It wasn’t me.
I made it back out of my old home town. I am back in my safe bubble, fragile, overwhelmed and a little lost still but I’m alive, sober and grateful. I’m focusing on building back my connection to the universe and everything in it. Life is happening around me. I’m saying yes to everything. I’m opening up to people, helping those around me, telling the truth and asking for help. I’m humbled once again.
I never can assume that I am guaranteed another day or that I can rest on the spirituality of yesterday.
I only have today.
And to the person who took a chance and answered my call for help, thank you. You have no idea how you changed the course of my life that night.
No human can save me from alcoholism.
No human can “fix” me.
No human can love me enough if I can’t love myself first.
No one can be good enough for me until I believe that I am good enough.
Untreated alcoholism looks like addiction to tragedy and suffering.
It looks like addiction to drama and running from everything that is good and full of light.
I was warned about a spiritual sickness where some people would suck the light and energy from me.
I have experienced this.
It’s something unconscious that happens. These people aren’t bad, just sick.
I was one of these people once.
There’s a lot to be said for protecting our space. For knowing our limits and not giving up our light for ANYONE. No matter how much we love them.
It’s frustrating to see what others cannot recognise about themselves. To see people struggle, to see people choose to live in sad stories and pain, is almost too much to watch sometimes.
We must let these people go and find their own way. Staying too long can drag us down.
I refuse to live trapped on this earth by ego, abstinent from mood altering substances. If I am to live, I must live free and find what I was seeking all along…
A spiritual experience.
There is growth in every experience. The suffering comes from the judgement I place on what I’ve done and the choices I’ve made.
I need to have a complete shift in perspective in the way I view the world to survive this thing called alcoholism. I was told I could be happy, happy, happy to have learned that I have the gift of not only the intuitiveness, knowing what I know, but that I can no longer go against what my soul cannot tolerate.
There is freedom in saying what I need to say, when I need to say it and without the bondage of what the world would tell me or fear of the results. I was told to act on my truth and let the chips fall where they may.
That’s being true to myself.
That’s faith in a higher power.
When I can know that walking away from something my ego wants and trust that what’s in store ahead of me is more beautiful than I ever could’ve imagined, I can move forward.
When I refuse to settle for less, I get so much more.
Everything will be exactly as it should be.
A weight is lifted when I can be free of “needing” anything or anyone. With God’s help I can be emotionally self supporting. It’s essential for me to really have a concept of God that I can give these wants to. I have to know without a doubt that I can trust this thing with my life, future and happiness.
That has been the turning point for me.
As I feel sadness, fear and lost at times, I don’t need to stay there. Climbing out of a down word spiral of my thinking mind can be agonising but in my heart I know it’s possible.
It’s happened for me and others.
The first step in this is for me to ask, “God please help me.”