The insane thing about alcoholism, is that I could be going along throughout my day feeling really great, spiritually connected, the sun is shining, humming birds by the pool, great music playing and then a thought comes.
I’m cleaning my room and I stop to look at my roommate’s photos on the wall. In the photos I see her with her babies, her daughters now older and looking stunning in her wedding dress with her mother.
Nothing has changed about my day what-so-ever. But the thoughts happen out of the blue, ego takes over and I’m instantly in suffering.
I look at the photos of my two boys in matching black frames and I feel immense sadness and loss. My past consumes me and I’m back there, in all the darkness and judgement of myself as a mother.
I saw a baby maybe just shy of a year old last night in the arms of this man. The baby girl was sitting fairly still but like all little ones sitting in a quiet environment with little stimulation, she started to squirm in this man’s arms to the point where he got up and left the room with her. I thought back of myself in those situations and how much anxiety it created to just deal that. It just seemed so difficult. I just needed something to alter my being so that I could handle moments like that.
Any everyday situation I look back on when dealing with the monotony of “physical” motherhood was just uncomfortable for me.
This morning, my thoughts take me back through time to when I let my boys down, checked out or handed them off to someone else and now, the physical separation. I see my eight year old son’s face looking up at me last time I left him, hugging me tightly around the waist and his eyes brimming with tears.
I know why I’m leaving. I know why I’m here, away from them today. There’s no doubt that I need to be, for me and for them. I’m clear about who I am today and what my main thing has to be.
It’s God, 12 steps and then everything else and that means before my children. I need to do this thing everyday because of the thoughts that come out of the blue and attack my perception of reality. These thoughts of nothing good are dangerous and without a spiritual solution I have no defence against my ego.
There is pain and sadness, of course. But I don’t need to stay there because I have a clear cut solution that brings me back to reality, as long as I choose to let go and reach for it. I know enough now of where suffering leads me and I don’t want to stay there.
So I allow the feelings to pass through me. I feel them until I can move on and let them go. The only way I know to get to the other side is through them.