As I look back on the past and the life I have lived I can’t hold the sadness at bay. I am in the process of looking at the harm I have caused myself and others, as part of my spiritual journey. Immersed in the past, I can’t help but feel great sadness for all of the darkness and pain.
Loss of relationships, betrayal, selfishness and fear is all I can see of my past when stuck in self. I have participated in the darkness and never believed anything else existed. It was a sad life to live.
This new journey has many highs and lows. Thanks to my alcoholism, the lows can be full of suffering. My thinking constantly blurs the lines of reality and truth. When forgetting to rely upon God, I can’t see truth.
I am needy.
I seek validation, comfort and love and forget that I will never be whole while taking that approach. I am only okay when relying upon God and in a state of serving my fellow humans.
That means focusing on how I be the most loving to everyone.
When seeking to get “mine”, to get validation from others, to achieve in the material world, I hurt others. I forget about how I affect others entirely. I miss the present. I can’t connect with those around me. If it’s all up to me, I can’t handle it. I tire easily. I am spinning and everything goes to shit.
I am only okay when giving love and shining light on the dark. It’s a daily necessity. I must constantly focus on gaining power from the spirit within me. To find peace I must connect with God.
Making peace with my past can be a struggle with an ego that wants me to feel guilt and shame. The only way to stop ego is with spiritual growth.
The only way past the pain is through.