I was recently told that as light carriers, it’s nearly impossible for people to be in relationships with us. The reason is that it means constantly having to look in the mirror, constantly having to be in solution. Most humans can’t do it, especially alcoholics.
I can imagine that if the last girl I hurt could have one last chance to tell me how she felt about what I did, it might go something like this…
I know you know me well enough that I am unafraid to speak my truth. I don’t even know that it’s even a choice anymore. I can’t be unauthentic.
You need to hear this and I know you’re listening.
I wish sometimes I didn’t know what I know. I wish I didn’t see truth so clearly. I sometimes wish I could just stay in what’s easier and comfortable. My ego wants so badly to just hold on to things so tightly instead of letting go.
I am angry because I know it has nothing to do with me. I am angry because you knew how I felt and you kept pulling me to vocalise it. You kept taking.
It was all so you could feel better about you.
I am powerless over you. If it has nothing to do with me then I can do nothing to change it.
I could say that you did a great job in trying not to hurt me. I could ask you why you said the beautiful things you said to me that led me to believe that things were different than they really were & had me trusting in you.
You said I could trust you.
Need I remind you that you said things like, “Who says there is no God?”, as you looked into my eyes at the French cafe. Or I could ask why you sent texts that said things like, “I’ve been asking the universe for someone like you.”
I could analyse every conversation and ask you what you thought I would think or feel when hearing you say the things you did.
But what would that change in the end?
I never asked you for anything. I never asked for labels, commitments, more time, less time, future plans…
I just wanted you to be honest with me at all times. I didn’t want to be manipulated. All I wanted was the present with you, whenever that was.
I could say I feel used. I could say that it seems you actually thought very little about how I would be affected during this whole experience or that you really need to work on honest communication. You should’ve said more. You should’ve taken less from me.
Although answers may seem on the surface at times like they would help me make sense of all this, I know better. How can that be when I don’t believe you can even make sense of why you did the things you did?
In reality I already know what I need to know.
I feel a great deal of sadness because of the nature of alcoholism and the pain and wreckage that untreated ego and self causes.
I am so crushed.
I’m so disappointed.
At least I see that there are huge lessons in this experience and tremendous growth on the other side. It’s like the rainbow after the storm.
I’m just waiting on the rainbow.