What Do I Stand For

I used to think I stood for something

Now looking back I really fell for anything

So attached to what others thought of me

Scared of not being okay without certain people around me

Misplaced faith only in the material world

I kept my mouth shut because of being afraid that I wouldn’t get what I needed from people I mistakenly thought I needed

I did what I was told

Deep down inside I knew truth but denying it to myself kept me spiritually sick

I tried to fit in to the false beliefs of the world

It almost killed me

Today I am grateful for clarity, willingness, humility and courage

Every step I take towards truth I feel more free

I gain experience in the fact that there is a power that wants nothing but good for me

I just need to stay connected to that creative intelligence

What I focus on I magnify

So when I focus on love, happiness and miracles

Those things grow around me

I am grateful to have the life I have today

Not because of the money I have or don’t have

Not because of the people I have in my life or don’t have

It’s all because of what I have gained within me

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No Matter What

If there is one thing I know to be true

On this journey towards the light

The one thing I need to always honor

To be able to live on this earth without needing to reach for something to quiet my mind

Is to live in and speak up for truth

No matter what the world thinks

No matter what those around me think

Whether people leave me or don’t leave me

Whether people like it or don’t like it

I answer to my creator

I need to have the courage to carry the message of truth

I need to stand in the light of solution

I need to speak up about God, that all knowing creative intelligence that performs miracles on those like me that have been lifted out of darkness and shown the way

I know that my soul cannot tolerant the false reality around me that most choose to live in

I have been granted a gift and my primary purpose is to honor that

 

The Story of Goodbye Letters

Today I decided to scroll through and delete notes from my notepad on my iPhone. I wanted to create more space as I tend to use this feature for everything under the sun. I write things to remember, addresses, books and documentaries I want to read and watch eventually, test run emails to send, write out blog posts and many other things.

When I went back to the earliest of notes, which were written before I got clean and sober this time, I found some things I would’ve liked to forget.

Actually, I HAD forgotten but this journey through my notepad was a jarring reminder of the life I had led, the things I had done and said and the space I was in mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Among the documentation of dates and events for my child custody lawyer, the pleading email drafts to my children’s father, the accusatory text drafts to his on again/off again girlfriend and the delusional words of a lost little girl with no hope, I found a draft of a suicide letter I had wrote to my then 14 year old son.

In the last few weeks before my intervention, I had reached the point of making it my mission to leave this earth. There was nothing in me that believed there was any hope of a way out. My fate was to die at an early age with a tragic ending to a tragic story.

I had given up. I had tried in multiple ways to end my life but something or someone always intervened.

While in my car on one of my three day disappearing acts, I decided I better write a goodbye letter to my boys. I guess I decided to intend that these letters get to them on their eighteenth birthdays.

In these letters I explain to my boys that I just didn’t know how to live anymore, that I loved them with all my heart and I would be watching over them in spirit always. I was deeply saddened for leaving them but there was no other way.

I knew I had left them in my car where they would be easily found. I don’t know what ever happened to those letters.

What I hadn’t remembered was that I wrote them first on my iPhone notepad, which is where for the first time sober, I got to read them today.

It was like reading an excerpt of a book written about a fictional character or taking a peek into the life of someone else. I felt sadness for this girl.

She was so scared, alone and hopeless that she felt the best she could do is take her own life and leave behind her two beautiful sons because she felt they would have a better life without her.

She felt she had nothing left to offer the world or anyone in it.

It’s been over seven months now and how she, or I, have changed can only be described as a miracle.

Today my life is full of purpose and joy.

I have a full life of family, friends, loved ones and a fellowship that has risen up around me through simply being kind, loving and of service to others. Most of my days are happy, joyous and free. I strive to live life as fully as I can with new experiences every day. I am always learning new things about myself and others which bring me closer to who God intends me to be.

This miracle has happened only through working the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous which brought me to know my creator.

 

Faithful Patience

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If I pray but receive no answer
I’ll endure in faithful patience
Like the dead forests of winter
Sure of the coming
Of the season of Life

In my patience
I place my trust in your hands
Persisting in silence
As you twist my soul
Cleansing the rag of its tainted water

When the hour of your answer strikes
Like the light that breaks free
From the darkest of clouds
I will give thanks
In both tears and laughter

My wings will spread wide
Carried by Love through open skies
And I will leave behind
The broken home
I lived in patiently
Before you brought me Life

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Honoring That Voice

There is a voice inside me speaking clearly

It comes not from my head but from the center of my being

It wants me to give, love and serve others

Spirit wants me to just love and serve you

Right here

Right now

It wants me to follow where it leads

Ego wants to tell me otherwise

Oh but my past, the things I’ve done, the life I have led, the things that have happened, I won’t get what I need, everyone will leave me, I am who I have thought I was

Don’t trust

Be afraid to love

Let no one in

My story, my story, my story

Spirit says trust in me and you will be free

I am not my past

I am not that character I have played in my story

Through following the voice of my creator that lives inside me

By answering to that voice and no one else

Making no apologies for honoring the gift of knowing

I become who God intended me to be

My path becomes clearer

Purpose is revealed

I grow closer to the feeling of oneness and connection to all things in the universe

Walking through fear and constantly in trust

I find the freedom I have always been seeking

 

Open your Eyes

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Every fear, pain and sadness
Is a gift wrapped in a bow
Placed by the Great Love
At the doorstep of your life

Who hates a beautiful gift
Except those who are blind?
And what is blindness
But to look with your desires
and your mind?

Open up your inner heart
Behold the world with Divine eyes
True perception from the Sacred self
Is the vision of essence that never lies

Joy hides in sadness
Hope hides in despair
It is no secret
That the cure is in the poison

To be grateful for your hardships
Is to live a life that’s Divine
Peace is no stranger
To those who patiently give thanks

Sacrifice your false self
Unclench your grip on being
Die a hundred deaths
And be reborn without fear

…..

Image found at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/peregrineblue/8685712490/

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Nothing More Powerful Than Love

Love is the most powerful thing on the planet.

It doesn’t know space and time.

It drops even the strongest of defenses.

It pierces the hardest of hearts.

It carries us through darkness.

It heals human suffering.

More of it solves all perceived “problems”.

It reveals truth.

It connects us to the universe.

It creates life.

It performs miracles.

Give more of it today.

 

The Change Must Come From Within

My soul aches for the lesson of you.

 

Ego seeks to control and manage against what is.

 

Glimpses of perfection hang in the air like the scent of you after your gone.

 

Brief moments of freedom when nothing mattered in the world but the two of us.

 

No clamour of the past or noise of the future.

 

My reality based on perception instead perception creating what I see.

 

Was any of it really what I believed?

 

Or was the story mine alone?

 

Wanting to make something what it will not be.

 

Sending light across time and space in hopes to heal a heart that is not mine to heal.

 

Wishing the switch to turn on the fuel to ignite your flame to burn as bright as it’s meant to be.

 

Waiting for your words and actions to mirror back at me what I feel for you.

 

Exhausted by indecision.

 

Needing to just be truly seen by you.

 

Tears fall on my pillow.

 

Wishing, wanting and needing cannot free a heart from the bondage of it’s past.

 

The change must come from within.