I saw you the other day.
I was driving down a road on a time I normally don’t, in a huge city, and you passed right by me in your car.
I don’t know if you saw me, but I saw you. I hadn’t seen you in a long time. But that day, in this big city, on that road, at that time, we passed each other.
And all of a sudden it was fresh again. The feelings I keep thinking are gone and worked through just pop up again like it all happened yesterday. I felt sadness and a sense of loss, still, after all this time.
Like I still miss you. I still can’t believe you left me. I can’t believe you chose someone else.
When we were together I never once pictured a time when you might be holding someone else at night, like you were holding me, like you are probably holding her now.
I was so sure it could never happen, like I knew the ending of a story I had read in my favorite book a thousand times.
I was so sure.
I was wrong like I’ve been so many times before about things I thought I was certain of.
Maybe this feeling will never leave. I fear it will never go away like a coffee stain on my favorite white t-shirt.
Love doesn’t ever go anywhere, even when the physical world breaks you apart from someone.
It’s all still like a dream that I woke up from, falling to floor of the truth after floating in what I thought was real. I guess you never felt the same about me as I did about you. I must have made it all up in a reality that I had created just to pretend.
I try to be happy for you.
If this is what you want, then it’s what I want. Above all else, the only meaning of true love is without conditions, which means that love doesn’t need to be returned.
Today, I want nothing from you but for you to follow your heart always, wherever that takes you.
Today you are only just a passing car in my life. Here one moment and gone the next like a stranger, like you were never even there.
That is how things are today.
The one thing I am grateful for is that I got the chance to experience loving you, even though it was one sided.
I wish you everything you dream for in life.
My love and prayers are always with you, my passing car.
I made a decision, after about as much suffering as I could stand, to do things differently to have a new experience on this planet.
The benefit to becoming more and more conscious as a result of continually looking at myself and doing the inside work, is that I can recognize when I’m repeating old behavior, and then I can change.
As a result of changing, I get a new experience and I get closer and closer to feeling one with God and others.
If I want the same results then I can keep doing the same thing.
But if I want something different, I must change the way I view the world and change my actions.
It’s not easy but the rewards are tremendous.
Find some courage and do something different today.
I want you wrapped around my finger, so I can hold my hand close to my heart and know you’ll be there.
I want you’re steps to follow mine on this path, and you can let me lead so if I get scared you will right behind be and maybe hold me close and tell me it will be okay.
I want you to call, if just to tell me you’ve not forgotten me, and that in your thoughts I stay, like the lingering scent of my perfume long after I am gone.
I want you to remind me, just every now and then, of all the reasons why you chose me, and continue to choose me, just in case I forget.
You asked me what I want.
I want you to let me in, all the way in, past your walls, your insecurities, your self protection, so that I can find a place to stay.
I only want all of you, all your spirit had to offer, all your fears and doubts, all your hopes and dreams, all the space in your heart that is open for me.
And maybe I’ll have more to add to this list tomorrow, but for now, all of this will do.
Why is it that you meet certain people and immediately you feel connected, comfortable, close and it’s just…
Like things just fall into place, there’s no struggle, no need to try, it’s just right.
Can it be called chemistry, destiny, magic, meant to be?
The gravitational pull of two people to each other, a perfect meeting of souls, a spark fanning flames of desire, an unexplainable need to know someone, encompasses you.
When you just fit together perfectly, effortlessly, beautifully, sinking in to one another, melting at each touch, you thank God for being blessed with the experience.
It’s like when I look in his eyes and can hide nothing, because everything I’m feeling is told in my eyes, and I see everything in his.
Whatever you call it, however we try to quantify it, it exists.
It’s just as real as the water in the pool I’m dipping my feet in right now.
It’s as real as my cold hand in his as we walk a dark trail to find the lights.
When I look at him my heart beat ripples like soft waves echoing outward from the pull of the moon.
Do I care so much why this is happening, or what it is that’s happening?
Or do I just allow it to be?
I think I’ll just allow it to be the beauty that it is.
And stay right here for now.
What I’m left with, at the end of the day, is the relationship I have with myself and God.
I now know what it means to live this human existence by spiritual principles.
I’ve been around enough now to be able to talk about it, explain it, theorize about it and intellectually know how it works.
But when it comes down to living it, right here and right now, do I actually do these things?
Do I live with integrity and honesty?
Do I lie to myself or am I honest with myself?
Do I constantly judge myself, beating myself up for meeting the unrealistic expectations I hold myself to?
Can I forgive myself for being human today?
When someone I’m faced with affects me in a way that I don’t like, do I treat them with tolerance and patience?
Do I relax into the fact that no one can hurt me or take anything from me without my allowing it, therefore allowing people to just be who they are with the security of knowing that I’m okay no matter what?
When things don’t go my way, do I get angry and frustrated, trying to manipulate and control people?
Do I accept those in my life for who they are and can I look for the good in everyone?
Is my love conditional?
Have I said what I need to say today, would my soul be at peace if I had no tomorrow?
Do I live in fear of not getting what I want and is what I think I need to be okay lie in the material world?
Or do I live in a world where things of importance or the things you can’t see, like inner peace, joy, love without conditions and freedom?
Do I focus on what I can give rather than what I can take?
These are some of the questions I ask myself daily to remind myself that I cannot intellectualize my way into freedom.
Freedom lies in the actions I take in the present moment.
Freedom lies in right now.
A first kiss with magic dust sprinkled on top.
Or was it the first?
Maybe in this existence, this time and space, this human experience, this was the first, but in many other lifetimes it had already happened.
Maybe when our souls met somewhere before now but we just don’t remember.
It tingled like the first, but had something familiar about it, like a connection, a comfort and safety known before.
Brought together in a twist of life’s intricate web woven, crossing paths at exactly this moment in time.
To have this first kiss yet again, to experience it yet again, to keep in time until the next first, is to live in each moment anew.
Exactly like first kisses are intended to be.
If anyone else had good things happen to them I would immediately compare myself to them and be jealous and resentful.
Never grateful for what I had, it was never enough. I always wanted more.
Even with people I thought I loved, I felt this competitive nature about it.
Like everyone else was always to going to get ahead and I wasn’t.
Get ahead where?
I don’t even know now.
I wanted people to be happy, but not happier than me.
I wanted good things for others, but not more than me.
Now I feel tremendous joy when I see others grow and succeed.
I have put myself aside and I strive to help others get what they want out of life.
Where does this change come from?
It comes from the knowledge that when others succeed, I succeed.
When others awaken, I awaken.
We are all connected.
It comes from a deep belief that God wants the best for me and that my purpose on this planet is to help turn the lights on in other people.
God has granted me with a gift of being able to heal others hearts.
God will ensure that I am where I am meant to be as long I take the path suggested and I use my gift to do God’s will.
And I have a solid knowing that I am right where I am supposed to be.