Insanity

It’s hard not to get swallowed up by the insanity of it all.

When life gets crazy and people get crazy, I just need to stayed firmly grounded in my center. Fear pervades these humans around me and I see all the damage it creates. Fear creates all harm on this planet. It’s the root of it all, which I equate with the darkness.

People hurt other people with the things they do and say. Respect and kindness gets lost. Anxiety increases and ripples through everyone involved. Anger and frustration rise.

Blame gets thrown in all the wrong places, though there never is a “right place” to throw it.

All I can ever do is rest in the fact that I am true to myself, that I do the best I can, that I respect those around me, and I do the right thing. I am unwilling to let the chaos suck me in. I refuse to take on the fear that others try to pass on.

I stay in love and in peace knowing that people will be okay, even when going through emotionally hard times. I always ended up okay, and so will everyone else.

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A Small Prayer

It’s funny how the human part of me needs much of everything. The desire for community, safety, companionship, intimacy, success, love, drive my attitudes and actions. I’m always wanting but no matter how much I seek outside myself, it’s never enough.

I play this game of life and yet spirit knows it’s just a game. It’s all just a creation, a story I’m making. It means a lot, yet it means little. How often do I go down dead end roads expecting to find a pot of gold when all there is is a dead end. An end or a beginning or both? When I can look within to find a soul that is just looking to be freed, when I let all earthly desires go like sand through my fingers, I find peace and love unconditional.

God, let me be free today and help me to stop looking for false happiness. Help me find something real, something that lasts.

Help me to know you and feel close to you, all the moments of my life.

Story of the favorite shoes

But you’ve grown
Those shoes don’t fit
Favorite shoes, I know
You loved them
For so long

They were comfortable
And safe, and snug and right
The exact shoes you always imagined you’d wear
The ones you wanted
The ones you lost

For a long time you couldn’t find them
You searched and searched
But they were gone

You imagined all the places
You would go in those shoes
What you would and could do
In those shoes again

Dreamed about them,
woke up and realized
they were still gone
It was just a dream

You tried different,
wonderful,
beautiful new shoes
The best of the best,
But could not replace the shoes you lost
The ones you were set on having
All the amazing, fabulous shoes you tried on,
you just threw away

They weren’t your old favorite

Until one day,
You found those favorite shoes
Again
There they were, almost like they never left
Never were lost
On cloud nine you were, reunited with those shoes
Filled with glee
you hugged them,
loved them

But as you put them on you suddenly realized
YOU HAD GROWN
and
they did not fit anymore
You tried
to squeeze your feet in these shoes
BUT YOU HAD GROWN
they did not fit

You

Anymore

One That Is All

A blade of grass in a golden field
A petal on a white rose in a bush
A bird in a flock flying high
A wave crashing on the shore

I am all of these
Under the belief I am separate
Not knowing I am the same
A living part of the whole

I am the ocean
and the other waves are me
I am all the petals on the rose, the whole field of grass, every bird, the sun and the moon

I am the night sky
The stars, the moon, the sun
the nothingness

You will find me in the wind, the breath you take and the exhale

I am the love in your eyes,
the tears that run down your cheek, the sound of thunder, the laughter of children, the soil of the earth

I am the end and the beginning

It is in me that I find all that I seek,
because in me lies the everything that is, and it expresses itself out there,
what is seen and unseen,
what is heard and unheard,
what is felt and what is not

It is all within me that is one
And I am the one that is all

Baby Blue Balloon

Hold my string around your finger
for I am the baby blue balloon at the other end
Floating, striving to reach greater heights
up over trees and buildings,
heading for the clouds

One little cotton string
connects me to it all
so don’t let go too soon

Lightly I glide,
The earth’s pull no match for me
Looking down from an areal view
as if I sat on the moon,
watching giant dancing patterns
of tiny humans weave over and around each other
in harmonious disarray

The patterns from my view
are in sync with the symphony of life
as the songs change
but the music keeps playing

Is this the big picture?
Or is there even more to see?

Don’t ask me to come down,
for it will never look the same
When I return home to the ground
will I forget what I learned?
Will I forget what it all meant?
when I was high in sky
weightless and careless
as a baby blue balloon

Your Jacket

Wrapped up in your jacket
But not through your sleeves
Your arms around your jacket and me

I can’t wiggle out
Why would I want to try
I tilt up my chin and catch your eyes

Blue with gray flecks
Looking down to the place
Where one finger brushes my lips and face

Resting my head
In the corner of your neck
Squeezing me tighter just to check

That I’m right here with you now
That I know where you are
That I feel us together
Under this winter moon and stars

I’m not leaving yet
I’m staying right here
This time and this moment
Sees us perfectly clear

Tears In The Background

image

My latest lesson has been uncovering the truth about the pain that has been unacknowledged by me, over the separation from my children the past 2 years. I have been unwilling to look at it and let it in, so therefore it has been just haunting me.

In my eyes, under every smile, every laugh, has been a sign of mourning and sadness. No matter what I do, it’s there.

There are times when I understand that this is my life. There are times when I know that my children have their own autonomous path that may or may not include me daily.

I trust God.

Yet there are most times when my heavy heart aches because they aren’t near.

Tears aren’t far from my eyes at any given moment.

I want to find freedom from this suffering so I wrote a letter to God about this recently and went over it with my spiritual guide. We talked about how to get into solution concerning this pain.

We talked about loving my clients the way I would love my kids. Giving the women I care for the same love I express with my children. Because in all reality they are no different than my kids. If I wasn’t the mom in this story, would I believe they deserved any less love than my boys?

Loving my clients, or anyone in my life, is loving my children. When I love others I am helping make the planet a better place for my kids. We are all connected.

For some reason this helps relieve my suffering.

When I can see everyone as “one life” then the way I act to different people is exactly the same. Ego is the only thing that causes me to act differently depending on who is in front of me.

Ego is what is suffering from being apart from my boys.

I want to live in spirit.

I want to be the mom God intended me to be.

Well Hello There Life!

imageI realize that as I do all these things to figure myself out…

Life is passing me by.

I operate under the belief that I have all the time in the world…

When in truth that is the lie.

It’s an excuse to hide.

I think I’m just making myself better, by analyzing my behavior and reviewing my history…

Yet without balance I am no longer really living.

There is no better version of me…

I’m just me, complete already.

As I wait and strive for perfection, the perfect job, perfect home, perfect romance…

The truth is that “perfect” only exists in my mind, the same mind that will never admit perfection even if perfection were to arrive.

Because the mind will only then want something else, something better.

The solution…

Is to go live an incredibly full and messy life, allowing it to be all what life is.

What better time than in “the now”?