The Lost Little Soul

And out of the blue, and angel appeared. The little soul, lost in darkness, recognized the light shining from the angel with blue eyes so bright, so untouched by the evils of this world.

The little soul asked the Angel questions, “How do I escape all this darkness? How do I leave a life I so much do not want to be in? Tell me everything!”

The Angel answered in a soft voice, “Everything you seek is within you, if you want to leave this darkness then take my hand and I will show you the way out.”

The little soul was afraid, darkness is all it ever knew. But the one thing it did know, beyond a doubt, was that it knew this Angel very well. They had met before in another life and fate or destiny brought them together again, at the time the little soul needed her most.

And every soul has free will, to do as it pleases, to choose light or to choose dark. Frozen in indecision, the soul did not choose. But not choosing, is a choice, and so the Angel moved on, tears of sadness streaming down it’s cheeks as she left the little soul behind but the Angel understood the importance of choice.

To this day, the Angel dreams of the day they will reunite, in this life or the next, as kindred spirits always do, and waits at the bottom of the tree of wisdom, picking daisies, for the choice to finally be made.

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Run.. You are on quicksand

The law of the universe states that what goes up must must come down.

When highs are built on false happiness, unlike real joy that only comes from within, extreme lows will follow.

Outside solutions built on quicksand always fail us because the material world always demands more.

Material world, means the things that lie outside of us, money, success, relationships, attention, fame, adoration.

What once felt good becomes a need for more.

Relationships do not make us whole, they only temporarily make us feel better to mask the real problem of the spiritual hole within us if not filled with our creator.

“Make me feel better about myself.”

“Take away my sadness.”

“That fact that you love me makes me feel worthy.”

“Looking in your eyes makes me temporarily forget all my pain, all of the pain I’ve caused others just to get here.”

“Your beautiful and you love me so that must mean I’m beautiful.”

“Fill me up, make me whole, love me more, give me more of you, it’s not enough, it’s not enough, it’s just not enough, I’m not enough…”

The solution turns into the problem because you, human, will fail me.

I’ve failed me.

What was the cost of getting here, with you, right now?”

“Can I forgive it?”

LOST

So I’ve been watching this series on Netflix called Lost. This is the one that was on TV some years ago, where it is centered on this story about people who survived a plane crash and get stranded on a deserted tropical island.

This will have been the third time I have watched this series, as it has remained one of my favorites of all time.

I enjoy watching this series because every time I’ve watched it, in a different time of my life, in a different space, I see something new and something fascinating. I’ve come to recognize common threads that reveal the truth about who we are a human beings, why we suffer, why we seek, and what can unconsciously drive us.

It reveals the truth about what I’ve been doing to seek happiness and contentment my whole life, similar to how other humans seek, just as these characters on a show.

Characters like Jack, John, Sawyer and Kate, are always on a mission to do “something” to change their outside circumstances, with the hopes they will finally get to where they want to be. They fight and claw and scratch to get “saved” from the island, where it is apparent that they believe they will finally be happier, safer, better off, free.

The illusion of freedom always escapes them. Because no matter where they go on the island, what they do to be rescued, the small victories they win, the food and shelter they find, whoever they rescue, or whoever they kill, they always end up with yet more problems, and they get further and further away from being happy, from being free.

They run from the darkness which is depicted as the cloud of black smoke they call “the monster”, that consumes people in the jungle. Flashbacks intertwine with their present story, of things they’ve done in their old lives that haunt them.

They don’t feel safe in the jungle with the dark smoke, yet at the same time, they don’t want to live on the beach, where their eyes squint, blinded by the light of the sun.

Are these characters so different than we who suffer from alcoholism and addiction?

Is there desire to be saved so different then our desire for inner peace?

When Kate asked Sawyer why he was leaving them to go with John Lock, and stay on the island, when they finally had a real chance to be saved, He said to her “I’m doing the same thing I always do Kate… surviving.”

Is that true freedom?

Making decisions based on fear to merely survive, to just exist, compromising our truth to just stay alive?

Or is there more?

Is there another option?

Even though as the observer of the story, I can see that they just tirelessly run in circles, planning, scheming, either running from something or chasing something or someone else, never getting any closer to what it is they really want, they as characters in the story, do not see it.

Even though I know that they just need to slow down, to pause to see things clearly, and that all they need, in this very moment, they ALREADY HAVE, and all they’ll ever really need, EACH OTHER, they don’t know how to ever pause long enough, to stop to recognize it.

Whether they were together with the ones they loved, on an island or in a city, on a beach or in a park, it wouldn’t matter.

Why can’t they stop running long enough to see the beauty of the beach, the sun, the ocean waves and the coconuts that surround them, in the simple moments spent together, without constantly wanting something else, needing something else?

Why can they only relax in the seconds caught off guard, laughing and playing ping pong on the home made table made with plane parts and twine, before remembering once again that they aren’t home, they don’t have as much stuff, they don’t have as many “things” as they could have, in the way they think they should have them?

And when the THOUGHT sets in, the lightness fades from their faces, the frowns of worry appear again, and they are compelled by that thought that they must go back to planning their rescue.

Rescue from what? It appears they think it’s from the island. When after watching the culmination of their stories three times now, really what they are running from is themselves. What they run from is the darkness, the past, the pain and the disappointment of their lives.

In this series, We watch them work out these issues in their time on the island, we watch them repeat old mistakes or make new choices. We watch them suffer or heal. The ones who make peace with their lives, who forgive, who let go, come into acceptance that the rest of what they will know as life may be on the island, well… they are the ones who evolve and get free.

You may be thinking, how does this all relate to you?

Why should you care about this story?

You should care because this is YOU’RE story too.

You’re island is happening right here, your suffering on this island is optional, rescue is available TO YOU, though not by boat, by plane or submarine.

And your time is right now.

Teaching Angels To Fly

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In the world of recovery, as with my job and with my personal life in the program, people often come and go into my life.

I take women under my wing.

I like to say that I teach angels how to fly.

I help them put on the training wheels and give them a little push.

Some touch my heart more than others.

Instead of focusing on the painful goodbyes, I focus on the beauty and light they shed in my life during the brief time I had them with me.

They each bring something unique with them and leave me with sacred memories.

One in particular is out there suffering right now and I cannot help her because the only help she needs can come from her connection with her creator.

A few days ago we were laughing and having fun being silly and then next thing I know she is lost to this disease and gone.

Every time I have the memory of the last time I saw her face flash before me in my mind, so broken and so lost, I pray for her and hope that someday she follows the light to guide her home.

I love you Liz.

Why Do Some Get And Stay Sober?

No two human experiences are ever the same. There can similarities but really everyone has their own journey maybe only understood by the one having it.

As far as drug addicts and alcoholics, the mystery is how some people get sober young, some old or some never.

Some people get sober and stay sober for their entire life and some get sober and relapse, get sober and relapse.

I can’t even fully answer the question of my own journey. I often wonder what it was about me that just couldn’t get it and keep it.

Even though it has been my path I don’t regret any of it.

I try not to spend too much time “figuring it out”.

Trying to “figure it out” never helped me before.

Staying present is my biggest tool for peace in my life.

What matters to me most now is what I’ve done this far to have a new and different experience with the 12 steps and with life.

I see more now than ever before.

I am more conscious than ever before.

I have more courage, faith, belief, trust, awareness, calm, peace, joy, freedom and hope than ever before.

That is what is important to me today.

Back to Center

Today was absolutely beautiful.

Part of it was that I had the honor of speaking at a local treatment center for alcohol and drug addiction.

I am an observer.

I watch people.

As I looked around and watched everyone before the meeting, some laughing and joking, some solemn, some scared, I felt full. I saw a room full of people looking for a solution.

I felt hopeful.

I always take time to say a silent prayer before I speak, asking for God to speak through me, to not speak from ego and for God to allow me to speak truth to these people.

I ask that I say something that at least one person would hear to be of help.

I ask that I can touch people at a soul level.

It was an absolutely amazing experience to finish speaking and see people light up, newly sober, and want to share their truth.

To feel the outpouring of love and gratitude from this group of people is incomparable.

To connect with others, be real, share on an honest level and watch everyone open up, is why I continue to do what I do.

There is nothing like being a part of raising consciousness.

I feel purposeful.

I feel closer to God.

Still raw and vulnerable from events of this week, I so needed this today.

I needed to come back to center.

Thank you God.

9 Months of Days

Today marks nine months since I have put any mind altering substances in my body.

Nine months ago was the start of an amazing journey towards self realisation, that I never could’ve dreamt up.

I was lifted up out of darkness, when I could not do it for myself, and carried towards hope.

I didn’t make a phone call to a rehab asking for help. I didn’t want to live anymore. I had given up on myself and the world we live in. I was hopeless.

My creator had different plans for me, though I didn’t want it.

Thank God my story didn’t end in tragedy.

It’s been at times hard, messy, funny and absolutely beautiful, all wrapped up in one tremendous experience.

And it’s been my own unique experience.

Some things I’ve done I do not wish to do again.

My only regret in any situation so far is that I didn’t fear less and love more.

I would have never been able to get this far without building a connection with my creator, that I take with me into everything I do.

This has afforded me more happiness, laughter and freedom I’ve ever experience in all my life.

Being open to love without conditions and see that each spirit that walks this planet in human form is part of me and I a part of them, has been the greatest gift I’ve been given.

To everyone who has touched my heart along the way, I hold you and the things I’ve learned from you with me always.

Those who have loved me and allowed me to love you make this all worth it.

Alcoholism And The Solution

“If he is to find God, the desire must come from within.”

Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 95

The only solution for my problem is a spiritual solution. After years and years of research on how to treat Alcoholism, the only thing that has been working in the lives of alcoholics and drug addicts, that gives us a chance to live free from the obsession to drink or use drugs, is spiritual growth.

No person can save another alcoholic. We can be the light, live as examples of freedom and work with others but unless the person suffering has willingness, there isn’t much else that can be done.

People who do not stay sober either can not or will not. The only thing that can save us from this progressive and fatal illness is God.

When we don’t have the willingness we can pray to God for it to come.

It’s hard to watch when others we love and care about aren’t willing to reach for solution. There is going to be loss as we travel this narrowing path. People will come in and out of our lives.

It just is.

The focus must remain on ourselves and our own spiritual growth so when those who are ready to grow towards the light come to us, we can be there to help.

Everyone has there own path on this earth and I don’t need to understand it and never will, but today I can be grateful for the freedom I have found and the willingness to know and serve God. I can be grateful for those I have in my life that bring me such joy.

I can thank God for another day on this planet free from bondage and suffering.

I can thank God for having the miracle of today.

Survive

Getting sober is not for the faint at heart. A lot of times things come up from the past. Memories of events too painful for our psyche to deal with finally surface. We have shoved these events far down in our consciousness.

Sometimes these things that happen when we are children are so traumatic that it’s like we never knew they happened to us. It feels like remembering for the first time. It’s not an easy thing to confront.

I watch as women around me just can’t move past the pain. They just can’t face these traumas and they don’t make it.  I thank God for those lessons in what I don’t want to be.

So many of us women don’t make it.

As much as I don’t want these things to have happened to me, as much as I wish it would just go away, that it wasn’t THIS specific person, it doesn’t make it not true. It doesn’t make it go away. It can’t change what has already happened.

To try avoid going through this would be a death sentence.

Why has this come up now after all these months? I wish I understood.

My spiritual guide says that the timing of these memories surfacing is no mistake, that God doesn’t reveal things to us that we are not ready to handle. She says if it comes up, it’s time.

I made a decision a long time back that if I was going to get sober again that I was going to be one of the ones who make it. I see that this can be survived. I believe it to be true.

I know there are solutions if only I reach for them. Even when paralysed with sadness, sometimes if I can just lift a finger in that direction, I can see the horizon of hope.

All I have to do is be willing to try.

What’s In A Bottom?

Spiritual lessons come in all shapes and sizes, in all areas of life. So do bottoms. The problem with bottoms is that you may think you’re already there and then you go back just to find a new, lower bottom.

In my experience, I don’t really know I’m done with something until some time passes. I may be done for a short time because of the sting of my ego being bruised but then I go back for more.

Inevitably comes a time in every painful situation where the suffering out ways the benefits and therein lies a bottom.

Time away brings clarity. When emotionally removed from a situation I am able to see the truth I couldn’t see while in it.

The real lessons start to be revealed.

What do I really want? Why was I so willing to settle for less than everything I know is possible? Why couldn’t I just let go until now? What was it that drove my actions?

These are valuable questions that, if asked, are surely answered.

Being open to find the answers takes a lot of humility.

The hope is that I don’t keep finding myself in the same situations and expecting different results.

If I really trust in a power that is all loving and wants the best for me then I can let go and trust that if I move on from situations that no longer serve me, there are tremendous gifts on the other side.

The gift in bottoms that seem so sad and tragic at the time, is the growth we can attain, the self knowledge that is possible and faith in a better tomorrow in all things.

It’s only when I believe I deserve better that I attain better.

Today I surrender all to God and love myself enough to allow God to work in my life.

I just let go.