Run.. You are on quicksand

The law of the universe states that what goes up must must come down.

When highs are built on false happiness, unlike real joy that only comes from within, extreme lows will follow.

Outside solutions built on quicksand always fail us because the material world always demands more.

Material world, means the things that lie outside of us, money, success, relationships, attention, fame, adoration.

What once felt good becomes a need for more.

Relationships do not make us whole, they only temporarily make us feel better to mask the real problem of the spiritual hole within us if not filled with our creator.

“Make me feel better about myself.”

“Take away my sadness.”

“That fact that you love me makes me feel worthy.”

“Looking in your eyes makes me temporarily forget all my pain, all of the pain I’ve caused others just to get here.”

“Your beautiful and you love me so that must mean I’m beautiful.”

“Fill me up, make me whole, love me more, give me more of you, it’s not enough, it’s not enough, it’s just not enough, I’m not enough…”

The solution turns into the problem because you, human, will fail me.

I’ve failed me.

What was the cost of getting here, with you, right now?”

“Can I forgive it?”

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Facing The Hard Stuff

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As I sit on my wooden patio, the warm morning sun shining down on my face, in my favorite patio chair working on a writing assignment as part of my step 12, I am consumed by the past.

Something I try daily to avoid thinking about, as much as I try to keep it away and pretend I have no past, it’s still there.

I go through periods where I am able to be present, where I know that today I am safe, I am okay.

Then it oozes in through the cracks.

Something someone says will remind me of what happened and I realize I am not over it yet. I think I have worked through a specific resentment or fear but it pops back up like that Whack A Mole game.

As much as I want complete freedom from being affected by my past, I cannot attain it by avoidance.

I must face these events, beliefs and fears, leaning into them so that I can rewrite the story I tell myself and gain clarity.

Though I know the freedom I gain from looking at these feelings and areas that cause me pain, there’s this part of me that feels like I will break in two if I allow myself to really feel the feelings attached to my past.

The reason why I sit here on my patio in the fresh air and morning sun today, though this work is not my idea of fun, writing about the things about my life that still affect me and facing my fears, is so I can read it to someone, gain an outside perspective and ask God to remove these things from me so I can be free today.

Again my goal is to be present today.

To enjoy the moments of this precious life and find peace is what I’m seeking.

I chase it the way I chased drugs and alcohol.

I’m seeking freedom.

To enjoy the moments of this precious life and find peace is what I’m seeking.

I’m seeking freedom.

Teaching Angels To Fly

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In the world of recovery, as with my job and with my personal life in the program, people often come and go into my life.

I take women under my wing.

I like to say that I teach angels how to fly.

I help them put on the training wheels and give them a little push.

Some touch my heart more than others.

Instead of focusing on the painful goodbyes, I focus on the beauty and light they shed in my life during the brief time I had them with me.

They each bring something unique with them and leave me with sacred memories.

One in particular is out there suffering right now and I cannot help her because the only help she needs can come from her connection with her creator.

A few days ago we were laughing and having fun being silly and then next thing I know she is lost to this disease and gone.

Every time I have the memory of the last time I saw her face flash before me in my mind, so broken and so lost, I pray for her and hope that someday she follows the light to guide her home.

I love you Liz.

It’s Not A Theory

Those of us that are sober, really sober, have an amazing internal truth detector.

When listening to people speak or share in meetings that are disingenuous we can tell.

When people speak truth we can tell.

There’s a big difference between knowing how to talk program and making people laugh, and living by spiritual principles.

A speaker in AA said recently “if you’re sitting in meetings and not working the steps, we can tell.”

It’s true.

Those of us who work the steps, who honestly look at ourselves and strive towards spiritual growth, shine like little flames.

You can see the light in people’s eyes.

There is no need for anyone to talk about it.

It’s clearly evident through the way we live it.

This spiritual way of life is not a theory.

The Truth Can Sting A Bit

Sometimes the truth stings.

Sometimes it can be a serious blow to the ego.

But like my sponsor has taught me, nothing bad can ever happen from the truth.

Nothing can ever be wrong with being really real and just putting it out there.

That is what I’ve started to do in a safe anonymous space which is my blog.

Most do not live in truth, they dance around it, cover it up, avoid it, deny it, anything other than to face it.

I am now compelled to live in nothing other than the truth.

Complete With Just Me

What I need to do is thank God for my life today and for the person I’ve become by allowing God to work through me instead of resisting what happens to be at this moment.

As I sat there today with my sponsor frustrated and confused my sponsor said to me, “Do you know how amazing you are?”

I just looked blankly at her because my ego tells me different even though my soul knows the truth.

Just then one of our clients came in and told her that she just wanted her to know how amazing I had been to her while my boss was gone out of the country and how good I had taken care of her. It was followed up by many of the girls I care for saying the same thing.

She said everyone knows it see?

The truth is that I have a beautiful life today full of people who think I’m just an angel, which is far different from what people had thought of me just over a year ago.

I can lay my head down at night and know my day has been in service to my creator and I’ve been the best person I can be.

I am free.

Surviving The Fellowship

Someone said to me recently that we alcoholics not only need to survive alcoholism but then we must survive the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

People in the fellowship, although most are seeking a spiritual solution, are not the most mentally stable and healthy people on the planet.

AA is a small world even in the big city where I live. So the problem is when someone screws over someone else in the program, people know about it.

Then when a person who has caused wreckage and harm to another happens to end up speaking at a meeting and is clearly dishonest about their account on things that have happened between them and others, there are many who happen to be sitting in the meeting that know the truth.

It’s hard to hide these things in the fellowship.

This is one of the main reasons that I keep my side of the street clean and conduct myself with integrity.

I know I need this fellowship to survive and I would always want to respect it and those in it so that I not only know that I am being a good person but also so that I know I am respected by others that I have constant contact with.

As for other people in the program, well they have their own journey and will learn by experience how to act and what kind of life they want to live.

That is not up to me.

My part is taking care of myself.