The God Within

Maybe God has been listening all along.

Maybe God already has placed the perfect person in my life, right in front of me, yet I just refused to see it.

Maybe I’ve already met my soul mate but I was afraid of getting everything I’ve been saying I want all along?

I say I want a partner, a lover, loyalty, love without conditions, someone who makes me better, someone who won’t leave me, yet when that person comes along I turn them away?

Maybe I really don’t want these things.

Maybe I chase those who end up leaving me because I get uncomfortable with someone who really loves me exactly the way I am?

Someone who sees into my soul and knows the very parts that make me who I am?

Someone who sees the good in me, and accepts the “not so good”.

Maybe the intimacy that kind of person brings is the one holding a mirror to myself, showing me that I’d rather chase someone who is unavailable.

How do I know that something I thought was wrong, is actually right?

How do I know that something I thought was harmful was actually the perfect thing for me?

How does one know that?

Who makes those decisions? My friends? Therapist? Sponsor? My head? My alcoholism?

Where is God in all this?

What and who do I listen to?

What would my soul have me do? What would love do? What would self love do?

Sometimes it’s hard to know which is the voice of fear and which is the voice of love.

Awakening is listening to the God within.

Ohm
Namah
Shiviah

One That Is All

A blade of grass in a golden field
A petal on a white rose in a bush
A bird in a flock flying high
A wave crashing on the shore

I am all of these
Under the believe I am separate
Not knowing I am the same
A living part of the whole

I am the ocean
and the other waves are me
I am all the petals on the rose, the whole field of grass, every bird, the sun and the moon

I am the night sky
The stars, the galaxies,
the nothingness

You will find me in the wind, the breath you take and the exhale

I am the love in your eyes,
the tears that run down your cheek, the sound of thunder, the laughter of children, the soil of the earth

I am the end and the beginning

It is in me that I find all that I seek,
because in me lies the everything that is and it expresses itself out there,
what is seen and unseen,
what is heard and unheard,
what is felt and what is not

It is all that are one
And the one that is all

Baby Blue Balloon

Hold my string around your finger
for I am the baby blue balloon at the other end
Floating, striving to reach greater heights
up over trees and buildings,
heading for the clouds

One little cotton string
connects me to it all
so don’t let go too soon

Lightly I glide,
gravity no match for me
Looking down from an areal view
as if I sat on the moon,
watching giant dancing patterns
of tiny humans weave over and around each other
in harmonious disarray

The patterns from my view
are in synch with the symphony of life
as the songs change
but the music keeps playing

Is this the big picture?
Or is there even more to see?

Don’t ask me to come down,
for it will never look the same
When I return home to the ground
will I forget what I learned?
Will I forget what it all meant?
when I was high in sky
weightless and careless
as a baby blue balloon

Staying Out Of The Dream

I want to live in the story that I wish to create, not someone else’s. What I mean by that a reality based on a set of belief systems drummed up by the majority of humans or specific individuals. To create a world that I can live in, that’s what is essential to my sanity and my happiness.

Every day the stories told by people about what they believe is real and stories of the world going on around me constantly attempt to pull me in. It takes daily vigilance to not get lost in the fog of it all, and come back to what I know to be real, what I know to be true.

I constantly weave in and out of clarity, going into the dream and then coming back out. Forgetting and relearning, over and over again.

In those moments, when I see everything exactly as it is, it’s like a deep breath of fresh air after holding my breath under water.

I can see people acting out their incessant patterns of insanity, and without judgement, love them and let them go to be free to live their lives as they do. I can understand them only from a deep understanding of myself when I did those things and didn’t know why. I never even thought to ask why, I just did them unconsciously.

I thought I was looking for love when I really I was looking for someone to complete me, someone to fill the void that existed while on my own, someone to hold me up, someone to fix the unhappiness.

To hold onto this awareness and not repeat old patterns, there is one important focus that remains and that is to not get drawn into the dream with others, to stay firmly planted in my reality.

When I watch people search and search for completeness in the arms of another, I am reminded of why that is not the answer for me. When I see those around me looking to fill their spiritual emptiness with someone else, someone who will never be the solution, I say to myself “Thank you God for freeing me off this need to find comfort in a person, the comfort that will only ever be found by remaining close to you.”

Reminders

I am constantly reminded by the gentle whispers of truth, heard in the soft breeze brushing by my ears in the midst of presence.

It’s says to me, “Remember child, it’s not about snatching all the love you can out of life, but fulfilment is found in the giving.”

When I forget, as I do regularly, that what I need to make my soul complete is not about seeking anything, it’s about giving all that I have to give, these whispers are there to remind me.

And when I follow the guidance that is provided for me, from a place found deep within, it is like a veil has been lifted and I start to see clearly again.

The direction of my steps change slightly and I find myself back on the path to inner peace.

Only then, I start to feel whole again.

Only then, I am home.

Watching Water

There is a lot to be learned by being present and observing one’s environment.

The smallest, most mundane thing can have the most amazing meaning and connection to all things.

As I sat by the pool in the hot sun, with the water completely still, I dipped just one toe in the water.

I watched as the ripples spread out in circles across the pool. When finally, it reached one of the chlorine dispensers floating in the pool, circular ripples bounced off and outward, eventually crossing over the ripples from my toe. When the ripples finally reached the edge of the pool, it bounced back, creating a giant pattern of ripples.

I took a step back and looked at the pool, once still, that now was dancing with a multitude of waves and ripples, vibrating all throughout.

It dawned on me that this is what we do, everyday with our words and actions. A small thing like a smile, vibrates outward to everything it touches. And then that object or person reacts back outward into the universe, touching more and more people, reaching farther and farther distances.

Can a tiny act of kindness reach across the entire globe and cause great things to happen?

Can magnificent, beautiful and perfect change happen from one simple loving thing?

I believe so.

All you have to do is just watch water.

The Answer Is Inside

I found the love I had been seeking in the eyes of others, my entire life, and that love has been found inside of me.

My journey to become whole, totally on my own has led me here, standing over the pool, looking at my own reflection ripple over the illuminated water, in this warm summer’s evening air.

Here in this space, is a place where I am completely enough on my own.

A year ago I was still needing to be seen by someone else.

A year ago I was needing a particular someone to make life seem complete. I thought if I had that, then I could be truly happy. I thought having them was the missing piece of the puzzle. I was wanting so badly to be loved but I was still lost and seeking outside of myself something that would never be the answer.

Because the answer was not outside of myself, it was inside of me.

Today I am not looking to be seen by someone else to know my worth, only my eyes matter in examining this water’s reflection.

No longer to do I need the approval or acceptance of another to feel loved or loveable.

When I wake up in the morning, I know I am going out into the day to be the person I want to be.

And when I lay my head down at night, I know I have lived and loved the best I can.

I know I’ve served the best I know how.

And on this ball of dirt and water flying through space around and about the other stars, planets and sun, the rest does not matter.

The only thing that matters is life right here and now.

The only thing that matters is love.