There Are No Victims

The second biggest lie you keep telling yourself is that you are a victim.

No one did anything to you.

You have masterfully created everything in your life.

You created all the pain.

You created the loss.

It’s all because of the first lie you tell yourself.

The lie that has caused your whole story and created all the characters in it.

The lie that has removed all the good that has ever entered your world.

That lie is that you are are not deserving of unconditional love.

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Brittle

There’s some people that have such a committed and detailed view of what they consider to be the perfect partner, the perfect picture, to have the perfect life. Their expectations are so brittle, that they mostly spend life alone.

Story of the favorite shoes

But you’ve grown
Those shoes don’t fit
Favorite shoes, I know
You loved them
For so long

They were comfortable
And safe, and snug and right
The exact shoes you always imagined you’d wear
The ones you wanted
The ones you lost

For a long time you couldn’t find them
You searched and searched
But they were gone

You imagined all the places
You would go in those shoes
What you would and could do
In those shoes again

Dreamed about them,
woke up and realized
they were still gone
It was just a dream

You tried different,
wonderful,
beautiful new shoes
The best of the best,
But could not replace the shoes you lost
The ones you were set on having
All the amazing, fabulous shoes you tried on,
you just threw away

They weren’t your old favorite

Until one day,
You found those favorite shoes
Again
There they were, almost like they never left
Never were lost
On cloud nine you were, reunited with those shoes
Filled with glee
you hugged them,
loved them

But as you put them on you suddenly realized
YOU HAD GROWN
and
they did not fit anymore
You tried
to squeeze your feet in these shoes
BUT YOU HAD GROWN
they did not fit

You

Anymore

The Maze

Sometimes I catch myself wondering “What the heck is going on? I mean REALLY going on.”

Because my mind is a maze that has me running through it, trying to find my way out, when I don’t even remember how it began.

I get caught in the playing and replaying scenes from my life, over and over, analyzing what has happened, wondering where the answers lie.

I keep feeling like I am missing something, some hidden clue that will unravel this mystery. Maybe it was something someone said, a look, a tone of voice, a gesture, that reveals the truth.

Maybe it’s because I remember so little of my traumatic childhood which bothers me. My mind has me trying so hard to go back and remember.

But no matter how hard I try, the missing memories don’t come.

I am aware that I have a toxic mind, however it constantly finds new ways to trick me into falling right back into the abyss.

It was recommended to me that when I come to see that this is happening again, I remind myself of my name, my age, where I live, what day it is, what time it is, and where my feet are.

I stand planted, feet apart, in my body, and focusing on my core I imagine roots growing far and wide into the earth.

It forces me to get present where my thinking gets quiet.

Very few who have experienced trauma really recover and live happy, joyous and free.

When I hear that it reminds me that I want to be one of those who do, no matter what.

Help Me God

God help me forgive the man who stole my phone today.

A phone I had for less than a month, after losing my last one to a wave at the ocean.

He doesn’t see that by harming another he is really harming himself.

Help me let go of the anger, frustration and sadness felt from the senseless act at the hands of another.

It’s just a phone, contact numbers, pictures and writings.

It just happened a few weeks ago and I dealt with it then.

I can do it again.

It’s not really about the stolen phone though.

It triggered things much deeper, like these surface things always do.

It was just the wind that blew down my house of cards.

Help me let go of the violation I feel by this latest loss.

Thank you for helping me not stay a victim but have another experience of taking my power back.

Help me to accept this and learn what I must learn from this experience and not loose faith in human beings.

Thank you for keeping me in the light and allowing me the willingness to not stay in the darkness.

I cannot do this on my own.

I need your help.

Comfort me.

Be with me.

Keep me safe.

I trust in your will.

Judgement

Judgement is pervasive, sneaky and infiltrates every aspect of my thinking.

It separates me from God’s will, my truth and other humans.

Just when I think I am not in judgement of myself, it pops up in another form or area of my life.

If I do not remain present and aligned with my spirit, I constantly find myself judging my thoughts, feelings and experience.

Judgement will say:

I shouldn’t have done this.

I shouldn’t feel this way.

I shouldn’t think these thoughts.

I should be farther along than I am.

I made yet another mistake.

I don’t have enough.

I’m not enough.

When in truth there is no should or shouldn’t. There is no right or wrong.

There are no mistakes in God’s world.

That includes anything I say, think or do.

I am not supposed to see the whole picture, the end result, the intricacies of this divine plan.

I need to be where I am to get to where I am going.

I can’t build a skyscraper without the first brick.

God says I am enough, worthy, beautiful, perfect and right where I am supposed to be.

Nothing I could do could ever be wrong.

I have turned absolutely everything over to this power I do not understand yet experience every day.

My only concern is, have I loved those right in front of me the best I could?

If I’ve done that, my soul can rest peacefully.

Surrender and Clarity

image

After every period of suffering, resistance and pain lies the rainbow of clarity, if only I look up from the ground to the sky to see it.

The path to awakening, for this girl, consists of constant shifts in perspective. Often times I get stuck in a way of perceiving the world around me that is not based in truth.

I don’t even know it’s happening.

It sneaks up on me and I can’t see it, because the more my spirit evolves, so does my ego. It has to because of the laws of the universe, the yin and the yang or Einstein’s theory of relativity.

The more evolved the soul, the more evolved the ego.

My ego (basically everything that comes from my thinking) is always evolving and changing as I do, finding new ways to infiltrate, override and confuse what my soul knows.

It is not my friend.

The “problem” if there is such a thing, is not in what is, no matter what is happening around me, but always lies in my perception of what is.

So I go to my spiritual teacher to help me see what sometimes I cannot, someone who tells me the truth. Though my ego will try fight, deny or rationalize, my soul hears it. As long as I have one thing on my side, my ego cannot win.

That indispensable thing is willingness.

Willingness allows me to hear her and to have the other things on my side that save me being owned by my mind. Those things are honesty, humility and open mindedness.

I have a chance, with all these gifts, to move towards clarity, truth and freedom.

And freedom from being chained by anything or anyone, is what I’ve always sought.

Someone said to me recently that after a tough time and then major surrender, they set out to make God their everything, to get everything they had realized they were still seeking in the outside world from God.

When they did that, a transformation occurred, bringing amazing freedom and gifts like none other.

When they said that, my soul heard it.

And now that has been my new intention.

Friends and Truth

Thank god I have loving people in my life, surrounding me, that tell me the truth. They don’t co-sign on my crap and tell me what I want to hear to make me “feel better”.

They don’t hold my hand and placate me co-dependenttly.

That is not love.

They love me enough to risk me being angry by hearing the harsh truth from them.

If the ones I care about continually were to tell me that hurtful behaviour was okay, that I am right to be angry, cowardly, selfish and self centered, then my ego will grasp onto that and tell me I don’t need to change anything.

That I am justified in my actions.

I don’t need to grow towards anything better.

I am stuck.

But I choose those to surround myself with.

If I don’t really want truth and growth, I won’t allow people into my circle that won’t let me get away with selfish, ego driven behaviour.

If I stay stuck I do not grow.

I suffer.

And most of all harm myself.

“Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, DEPEND upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.” Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Practice Staying Present

I am so blessed to be where I am today. The universe has led me on a beautiful path to purpose and freedom. When I finally awakened, spirit said to me that I have a job to do on this planet. At that beginning point, clouded by a loud thinking mind, it just wasn’t clear yet exactly what that was.

My being knew it was true.

The path hasn’t always been a straight one. I am always learning and growing. My mind left unchecked has taken me off course at times but thankfully by constantly working to come back to center, I get back on track.

I stay as humble as possible and learn from my experiences so I can keep evolving.

Reading The Power Of Now by Ekhart Tolle has been transformative for me. I have found that I literally awaken as I read it. It’s amazing and has helped free me from the bondage of my ego or “thinking”.

Staying present and becoming conscious to the truth, that I am not what comes from my mind, has been setting me free. Understanding that my ego can only survive if I am in the past or the future, I can observe the thoughts and feelings that come up and know that they are not what’s real.

More and more I can distinguish the difference between the voice of ego and the voice of my being. I can find peace and lasting joy by shining a light of consciousness on my ego.

It only takes constant practice of being present.

Ego cannot survive if I stay present.

It’s so simple.

Everything in the here in now is perfect… and exactly how it should be.

My Thinking Mind

I am so blessed to have had the gift of suffering and desperation so that I could be awakened to the truth. The pain and confusion of my existence up until almost eight months ago was necessary to push me into seeking to know my creator and what I am.

My thinking mind has been in opposition to my spirit the whole time. I just haven’t been conscious to it. My mind wants to replay the past, confine me to it and create scenarios of tragedy for the future.

When in truth, I am not my past nor my future.

These are just things that have happened. But that is just a story. It is not me. When I can become aware of the thoughts coming from my mind and that they aren’t reality, I have a chance to not buy into them.

The peace I have found is by staying present and ceasing to resist everything and everyone. The flow of the universe is something that I just go along with. It’s so much easier than attempting to struggle against it.

I can only be at peace when my mind is quiet and I’m fully in the beauty of the moment. I can experience true freedom.