“This is what I know for sure, you don’t get what you wish for, you don’t even get what you hope for. You get what you believe.” –Oprah
I’m writing less on my blog because I started writing my book. The book I’ve been saying I’m going to write for the last 2 years. It’s not at all what I thought I’d write about but isn’t life always like that? Never ending up the way we imagined? But still it’s what’s inside me, needing to come out. This story that needs to be told. It’s living inside me and I want it out. It’s time.
This is my story.
I want to live in the story that I wish to create, not someone else’s. What I mean by that a reality based on a set of belief systems drummed up by the majority of humans or specific individuals. To create a world that I can live in, that’s what is essential to my sanity and my happiness.
Every day the stories told by people about what they believe is real and stories of the world going on around me constantly attempt to pull me in. It takes daily vigilance to not get lost in the fog of it all, and come back to what I know to be real, what I know to be true.
I constantly weave in and out of clarity, going into the dream and then coming back out. Forgetting and relearning, over and over again.
In those moments, when I see everything exactly as it is, it’s like a deep breath of fresh air after holding my breath under water.
I can see people acting out their incessant patterns of insanity, and without judgement, love them and let them go to be free to live their lives as they do. I can understand them only from a deep understanding of myself when I did those things and didn’t know why. I never even thought to ask why, I just did them unconsciously.
I thought I was looking for love when I really I was looking for someone to complete me, someone to fill the void that existed while on my own, someone to hold me up, someone to fix the unhappiness.
To hold onto this awareness and not repeat old patterns, there is one important focus that remains and that is to not get drawn into the dream with others, to stay firmly planted in my reality.
When I watch people search and search for completeness in the arms of another, I am reminded of why that is not the answer for me. When I see those around me looking to fill their spiritual emptiness with someone else, someone who will never be the solution, I say to myself “Thank you God for freeing me off this need to find comfort in a person, the comfort that will only ever be found by remaining close to you.”
I’m a writer.
Because I say I am.
Because I believe I am.
Because I write.
Because I have something to say and the best way I know how to say it is to write it.
Not that I’m not good with being verbal, because I am.
But I’m better when I write it down.
I don’t need to be paid for it.
I do it for free.
I do it because I have a passion for it.
Because I love it.
Because I know I’m supposed to.
I write about what I know.
And what do I know better than my own experience?
What could I possibly know better than the story of my life?
What do I know better than what happens all around me?
I write about what needs to be said.
I write the truth.
Harsh at times, loving at times, confusing at times, but always the truth.
Love it, hate it, accept it or deny it.
Just know this, words hold a lot of power, written or spoken, texted or tweeted.
And these words are written just for you.
I see you.
I see your soul.
I see past the mask and the character, the shortcomings and all of your humanness.
I see myself in you, and you in me.
We are the same you and I, just decorated a bit differently on the outside.
I know you.
Maybe better than YOU know you.
And you’re very much okay.
It’s all going to be okay.
What a better way to remind you, just in case you forget, than etching these written words in this very place, to be part of history, so when you forget you can re-read them.
You can come back to find these very words.
By a writer.
I don’t believe there is such a thing as “bad luck”. There was a time when I would use those words to describe the things that happened to me that I didn’t like, or that I labeled as “bad”.
Now I see that everything that goes on in my life is a product of something on my part.
It says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that “we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.”
I had read this line what felt like a thousand times until one day it clicked in a way it never had before.
I finally realized that though I had no control over other people’s actions, and may not have directly caused an action on someone else’s part, that if I went back far enough I could see a decision based on self that placed me in the position to be hurt. Even if that decision was as simple as seeing the signs but not walking away from harms way.
I saw that the chaos that happened in my outer life was a reflection of what was going on inside, that energetically I drew these events to me. If I had an argument, I had a part, because one person can’t argue. If I was treated poorly by someone in my life more than once, just maybe I allowed it.
Once I made a decision to not tolerate abuse, it just fell away from my life. Once I had hit a bottom with drama, it ended. Once I stopped believing in limitations, they vanished. Once I had enough of the kind of relationships that caused me pain and decided I was done settling with them, they didn’t happen any more.
They just may have been my creation, because deep down I didn’t believe I was worthy of love, so I couldn’t allow people who just wanted to love me, into my heart.
The bad news, if all this is true, is that I have no right to complain about “bad luck” because I am the cause.
The good news is that I don’t have to wait on the luck of the world to swing my way to finally be happy and free, I get to chose.
It’s up to me.
And that’s some really good news.
I found the love I had been seeking in the eyes of others, my entire life, and that love has been found inside of me.
My journey to become whole, totally on my own has led me here, standing over the pool, looking at my own reflection ripple over the illuminated water, in this warm summer’s evening air.
Here in this space, is a place where I am completely enough on my own.
A year ago I was still needing to be seen by someone else.
A year ago I was needing a particular someone to make life seem complete. I thought if I had that, then I could be truly happy. I thought having them was the missing piece of the puzzle. I was wanting so badly to be loved but I was still lost and seeking outside of myself something that would never be the answer.
Because the answer was not outside of myself, it was inside of me.
Today I am not looking to be seen by someone else to know my worth, only my eyes matter in examining this water’s reflection.
No longer to do I need the approval or acceptance of another to feel loved or loveable.
When I wake up in the morning, I know I am going out into the day to be the person I want to be.
And when I lay my head down at night, I know I have lived and loved the best I can.
I know I’ve served the best I know how.
And on this ball of dirt and water flying through space around and about the other stars, planets and sun, the rest does not matter.
The only thing that matters is life right here and now.
The only thing that matters is love.
And always life responds, and provides abundance to what we focus on.
I dare to dream and then the dream becomes real.
I envisioned myself here, in this place, with this amazing career in a field I care deeply about, with this life.
I ignored all the boundaries, the walls became doors, and I continue to live a life with purpose.
All I ever wanted was for my life to matter.
And today, it does.
The journey of learning how to navigate life here on earth as a sober, conscious and awakened human being has been challenging at times.
Now that I’ve been finally facing the things in my past that have created this character I’ve needed to create to survive on this planet and have driven my thoughts and actions my whole life, I have begun to be free of it little by little.
I wasn’t ready until my soul was ready.
With faith and trust in my creator, I am able to find clarity, make decisions and then act on them with courage.
I can decide today what it is that I want my experience here on earth to look like, and when it’s really close but not quite there, I don’t have to settle out of fear that if I don’t, I’ll never have it.
That’s been my problem my whole life. I’ve settled for almost enough respect, almost enough happiness, almost enough love, almost enough living.
Then slowly but surely the bar got lower and lower and lower until I would accept anything at all.
Finally my life and beliefs got so small that there was no room for hope.
So now I’m in the process of expanding my beliefs about what life can be, setting the bar higher and placing more and more trust in my creator.
My experience so far has amazingly been that life absolutely rises to meet me where I am.
That’s a good reason today for hope.
My life today is more amazing than I could’ve ever imagined.
I have been awakened to truth.
Through this experience I have unlearned most of what I thought knew.
I have held myself back my whole life by thinking and believing small.
In reality, the sky is the limit.
I have been opened up to love deeply.
I’ve recently met a lovely person that I can share anything with and is absolutely inspiring.
I have an unshakable foundation and connection with God to weather any storm.
I work at the best place on the planet and my career is taking off super quickly.
I get paid to be of service to humanity.
Today I am free, full of hope, joyous and happy.
Thank you universe for lifting me up out of the darkness and into the light.
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
Ralph Waldo Emerson