Ugh why?

I have many shortcomings. One of which is being deep, about everything, all the time. It’s so hard for me to be light. To not spiral up or down about everything. I know that about myself. I scare people away with it sometimes, a lot of the time actually. It’s like with me it’s black or white. Like I can’t just let things be what they are and not think days, months or years ahead. Or I can’t not dissect every little thing and make permanent decisions based on temporary thoughts or feelings. Even after all this time of working on becoming self aware, there is still so much to learn! Someone asked me today why I completely turn my back and walk away from people I care about. She said life is short. We are only here for a minute so why would I do that?  She said it seems that I can’t deal directly with people to work things out, that I avoid. It’s so true. I ask God today to relieve me of this defect and free me from my never ending stream of thoughts, opinions and fears, so that I may have a different experience on the planet.

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Insanity

It’s hard not to get swallowed up by the insanity of it all.

When life gets crazy and people get crazy, I just need to stayed firmly grounded in my center. Fear pervades these humans around me and I see all the damage it creates. Fear creates all harm on this planet. It’s the root of it all, which I equate with the darkness.

People hurt other people with the things they do and say. Respect and kindness gets lost. Anxiety increases and ripples through everyone involved. Anger and frustration rise.

Blame gets thrown in all the wrong places, though there never is a “right place” to throw it.

All I can ever do is rest in the fact that I am true to myself, that I do the best I can, that I respect those around me, and I do the right thing. I am unwilling to let the chaos suck me in. I refuse to take on the fear that others try to pass on.

I stay in love and in peace knowing that people will be okay, even when going through emotionally hard times. I always ended up okay, and so will everyone else.

Story of the favorite shoes

But you’ve grown
Those shoes don’t fit
Favorite shoes, I know
You loved them
For so long

They were comfortable
And safe, and snug and right
The exact shoes you always imagined you’d wear
The ones you wanted
The ones you lost

For a long time you couldn’t find them
You searched and searched
But they were gone

You imagined all the places
You would go in those shoes
What you would and could do
In those shoes again

Dreamed about them,
woke up and realized
they were still gone
It was just a dream

You tried different,
wonderful,
beautiful new shoes
The best of the best,
But could not replace the shoes you lost
The ones you were set on having
All the amazing, fabulous shoes you tried on,
you just threw away

They weren’t your old favorite

Until one day,
You found those favorite shoes
Again
There they were, almost like they never left
Never were lost
On cloud nine you were, reunited with those shoes
Filled with glee
you hugged them,
loved them

But as you put them on you suddenly realized
YOU HAD GROWN
and
they did not fit anymore
You tried
to squeeze your feet in these shoes
BUT YOU HAD GROWN
they did not fit

You

Anymore

Choices

When did I unconsciously decide to start holding back again in an effort to protect my self?

It’s something I did my whole life but when I had my first profound awakening, I finally saw that the problem with having the walls up to keep out the bad, was that it came with a high cost.

It was also keeping out everything good.

I had let finally down all the walls and I allowed absolutely everything in.

As scary as it was, it was the time in my life I felt the most free, it was when I felt the most of everything.

It was like taking a leap off a cliff.

There was so much living in those moments, so many lows but yet so many highs too.

But yet again, as life happened, as it always does, ever so subtly, I starting holding back and closing off again.

I wanted to protect myself.

I chose safety over risks.

But in protecting myself, I had stopped living to the fullest like I had been.

I stopped taking those risks.

Life starting loosing the vibrance in it’s color.

I stopped living completely free in the now and tried to find a balance between acting in the moment, and being discernibly cautious.

Is there a right and a wrong way in all this?

Or are there just choices, with costs and prices to pay for each side?

Acting Out Of Love

I will slow down, choose my thoughts, words and actions carefully, making sure that all of these are coming from a place of love instead of fear.

I never want to live from a place of fear again.

When I am acting out of fear it comes from a place of darkness and it creates havoc and discontent in my life.

When I am acting out of love then my life enfolds in beautiful harmony and I am on the path drawing nearer to my creator.

Safe And Protected

The universe always has answers all around me, all the time, to all my questions if I just open my eyes to them.

It’s like these flashing signs screaming for my attention.

When my ego is loud and I’m caught up in expectations, resistance, and personal desires, I can’t see what’s right in front of me.

The more I try to “figure things out” with thinking, the less chance I have to be connected to the answers within.

The answers will not come from my thinking.

Times of quiet meditation, just slowing down altogether and being present, is necessary for knowing which direction to go and what path to take.

In times of indecision, although it’s taken practice and I’m never perfect, I have made progress on not reacting but just waiting until I’m sure of what action to take.

When answers become clear that’s when I need courage.

Courage enables me to step out from fear and into faith and trust, that God has my back no matter what, and I then I can follow what I know to be true.

I feel the power flow through me from a strengthened connection with God when I do this and feel the presence of God all around me.

I feel safe.

Change

Even though I’m always resistant to change, any kind of change whether I’ve labeled it good or bad, it always contains growth.

Most of the time, even if where I’m at isn’t even what I truly want, I would rather stay right where I am rather than initiate or welcome change.

It’s funny.

I look back at all my experiences, I can finally see how each moment, each piece of my life, has been valuable to my journey today.

All change has pushed and challenged me to grow as human being.

Still though, my first response to any type of change is fear.

Then a calm comes over me as I remember that I gave up resisting and turned my will and life over to something I ultimately trust with everything.

There is no need to fear change or anything else because the universe is always guiding me and showing me the way to a better existence.

Today I will welcome change and be fearless in the face of new experiences.

Love and Fear

In the book Conversations With God, Neale Walsh writes his answer from God about the two deepest emotions that motivate humans – love and fear.

“And here is how human behavior produces repeat experience after repeat experience; it is why humans love, then destroy, then love again: always there is the swing from one emotion to the other. Love sponsors fear sponsors love sponsors fear.

And the reason is found in the first lie—the lie which you hold as the truth about God—that God cannot be trusted; that God’s love cannot be depended upon; that God’s acceptance of you is conditional; that the ultimate outcome is thus in doubt. For if you cannot depend on God’s love to always be there, on whose love can you depend? If God retreats and withdraws when you do not perform properly, will not mere mortals also?

And so it is that in the moment you pledge your highest love, you greet your greatest fear.

For the first thing you worry about after saying “I love you” is whether you’ll hear it back. And if you hear it back, then you begin immediately to worry that the love you have just found, you will lose. And so all action becomes a reaction—defense against loss—even as you seek to defend yourself against the loss of God.

Yet if you knew Who You Are—that you are the most magnificent, the most remarkable, the most splendid being God has ever created—you would never fear. For who could reject such wondrous magnificence? Not even God could find fault in such a being.”

My Thinking Mind

I am so blessed to have had the gift of suffering and desperation so that I could be awakened to the truth. The pain and confusion of my existence up until almost eight months ago was necessary to push me into seeking to know my creator and what I am.

My thinking mind has been in opposition to my spirit the whole time. I just haven’t been conscious to it. My mind wants to replay the past, confine me to it and create scenarios of tragedy for the future.

When in truth, I am not my past nor my future.

These are just things that have happened. But that is just a story. It is not me. When I can become aware of the thoughts coming from my mind and that they aren’t reality, I have a chance to not buy into them.

The peace I have found is by staying present and ceasing to resist everything and everyone. The flow of the universe is something that I just go along with. It’s so much easier than attempting to struggle against it.

I can only be at peace when my mind is quiet and I’m fully in the beauty of the moment. I can experience true freedom.

Loving Is The How

Though it seems that way

You are not alone

Spirit surrounds you

God is your home

 

The heart you buried

So deep within

Hidden behind iron walls

No sunlight can get in

 

Thinking you can avoid

When hiding from pain

Failing to see

That beauty lives in the rain

 

Pride tells lies

Holding on so tight

To a false sense of safety

When there’s no wrong or right

 

Open up to life

And all it’s glory

See with your soul

You are not your story

 

Denying what is truth

Afraid to speak

That’s when you suffer

Find courage when you’re weak

 

Miracles will occur

When walking through fear

Because none of it’s real

In your heart is what’s clear

 

You get what you give

Loving is the how

Forget past and future

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