Deep in the center of my being is light, a light that is love, a warmth that wants to love. In my mind lies the desire to be loved, to feel it from somewhere outside of myself. But the truth … Continue reading
And always life responds, and provides abundance to what we focus on.
I dare to dream and then the dream becomes real.
I envisioned myself here, in this place, with this amazing career in a field I care deeply about, with this life.
I ignored all the boundaries, the walls became doors, and I continue to live a life with purpose.
All I ever wanted was for my life to matter.
And today, it does.
In this period of completing a year sober, I look back on all the people who had at one point been on this journey with me but did not make it.
They have just fallen away from my life, usually back into drugs and alcohol.
I often wonder why me?
I constantly ask God what is it that I’m meant to do on this planet.
I must have a purpose.
Sometimes I feel solid in knowing what that is.
Sometimes I feel lost and I don’t know what God wants from me.
That’s when I’m pushed into seeking more.
At all times when I’m brought to my knees by confusion, lack of answers, loss of direction, sadness and pain, as long as I stay close to my creator, there is the other side awaiting me.
On the other side is more self knowledge, more consciousness and always there is more love.
Whatever the reasons I am still here are, above all else, I honor this gift of life and sobriety today.
Yesterday I turned one year sober. I started to write this on the actual day but couldn’t finish it because my day was so full of love, joy, emotion and amazing experiences.
I can’t even seem to put into words all that I am feeling.
To know the change that has occurred in me, to be able to see the woman I have become, to feel my heart full of gratitude for the life I know I have today because of God’s grace and the willingness to allow God to work through me, is something indescribable.
It’s never been about just not using drugs and drinking for me this time.
It’s not been about counting the days behind me that I have collected abstinent from substances that alter me.
It’s been about seeking a relationship with and connecting to this all knowing, all loving creator of everything and everyone.
It’s been about spiritual growth.
It’s been about my soul’s evolution and experiencing a freedom like I’ve never known.
The gift of willingness I have been granted, that you can’t buy or sell, has been graced upon me for what reason I do not know, but I hope to always keep, and has transformed me into the person that God intended me to be.
Today that’s more than enough for me.
Today it’s raining.
As I sit out in the back yard and watch the rain drops fall, soaking the roof of the house, trees, grass and flowers, it causes me to think about how necessary the rain is for the life flow of the planet.
So it is with the human experience that times of darkness, rain, storm and suffering is necessary for our own ebb and flow of life.
In times where I could not see truth, when I didn’t understand, when I questioned everything in defiance and resistance, through the dark clouds there inevitably came the light of the sun.
With the light came surrender and then an awakening.
I always came out the other side and with more knowledge and consciousness.
No matter what happens, life does go on.
Although I prefer the upswing that happens after dark times, one can’t exist without the other.
So today I thank the universe for the lessons, for everything, so I can get closer to my creator and know myself better.
I am so grateful for this journey as crazy, busy, messy, and just silly as it had been at times.
The beauty is revealed to me as I take moments to sit back and just watch those around me.
Women come into my life when they have hit bottom, beat down, their lives are in turmoil and the problems are stacked high against them, yet they still can relax, have fun, laugh and be silly.
To see them just let go, maybe for the first time in their lives, if for only a few moments, and find the joy in just being totally makes everything worth it.
Everything I went through, the depths of darkness, allows me to relate to others and send a message of hope.
I can say that I have been there, I’ve experienced that and I felt like that but I’m free of it and they can be too.
Just to know that no matter what happens when they leave here, that hopefully they have felt love without any conditions attached, that I’ve done my job of loving them well, is all I can hope for.
Today has been a good day.
Today marks eleven months of sobriety without any mind altering substances.
Coming to believe in an all loving creator has transformed everything about me. Building a relationship with my creator, placing my life in his hands and slowly walking step by step, hand in hand with faith, has made this last eleven months the most amazing time in my life.
It has been full of triumphs and heartache. I have had moments of feeling lost and moments of bliss.
That’s the human experience.
Most of all, I finally have the solid belief that anything is possible and limits have seemed to fall away.
Continually I learn, grow and awaken.
How could I not be grateful for my life as it is today compared to how I’ve lived before this?
There’s so much beauty in the world.
It’s in every moment.
Only if I’m constantly looking back into the past or planning, worrying or stressing about the future, I can’t see the beauty and amazement that lies in what’s right in front of me.
Some say life is tough.
They say it’s supposed to be hard.
I’ve thought that before.
I think it is hard if you believe it is supposed to be hard.
I am eternally thankful that I’ve had a different experience now.
I’m more free now than ever before, not because life has gone or suddenly started going my way but because I gave up resisting everything and everyone.
I strive to remain present.
By giving up resistance I find I don’t need to suffer.
How can I judge what’s happening when I can’t see the end result?
What my experience tells me is that allowing what is to just be, I am happier, calmer, more peaceful and joyous.
Living in gratitude for what I have just brings more into my life.
The universe comes to me and my life just becomes a whole lot better.