It’s really difficult when you live your life as a kind, conscious and caring person, to be constantly confronted with the fact that people are not always that way. Continue reading
I left behind my blond locks, cigarettes, and any relationship with another, all in the hopes you would return home, to where I am.
Silly, really, since you are long, long gone.
In my dreams we laugh and live a life of freedom together.
All the things we never said, we say, and we mean it.
We do things differently.
I am different and then so are you.
We get a do over, to make right the wrongs.
I’m not afraid, and neither are you.
You finally see me, I mean, really see me.
In my dreams it’s great, and we are great together.
Really, really great.
Then I wake up, and you are not here.
Things are how they are, so I move on.
The ache from my heart has eased over time and has not gone though I’ve wished it to.
Wishing and praying to be released from the hold you had on me, has gotten me nowhere but here, alone.
Your absence hangs on me like a familiar scent.
Though you are far from here and now, internal longing has been the barrier between my soul and another’s.
Unspoken words protect me from allowing the new, that knows I am taken, that my heart is taken.
Funny how I chase life to fill me, but life doesn’t replace you.
I lie to myself that you left me.
I left you, that’s the truth.
So what I am chasing now?
So I’ve been watching this series on Netflix called Lost. This is the one that was on TV some years ago, where it is centered on this story about people who survived a plane crash and get stranded on a deserted tropical island.
This will have been the third time I have watched this series, as it has remained one of my favorites of all time.
I enjoy watching this series because every time I’ve watched it, in a different time of my life, in a different space, I see something new and something fascinating. I’ve come to recognize common threads that reveal the truth about who we are a human beings, why we suffer, why we seek, and what can unconsciously drive us.
It reveals the truth about what I’ve been doing to seek happiness and contentment my whole life, similar to how other humans seek, just as these characters on a show.
Characters like Jack, John, Sawyer and Kate, are always on a mission to do “something” to change their outside circumstances, with the hopes they will finally get to where they want to be. They fight and claw and scratch to get “saved” from the island, where it is apparent that they believe they will finally be happier, safer, better off, free.
The illusion of freedom always escapes them. Because no matter where they go on the island, what they do to be rescued, the small victories they win, the food and shelter they find, whoever they rescue, or whoever they kill, they always end up with yet more problems, and they get further and further away from being happy, from being free.
They run from the darkness which is depicted as the cloud of black smoke they call “the monster”, that consumes people in the jungle. Flashbacks intertwine with their present story, of things they’ve done in their old lives that haunt them.
They don’t feel safe in the jungle with the dark smoke, yet at the same time, they don’t want to live on the beach, where their eyes squint, blinded by the light of the sun.
Are these characters so different than we who suffer from alcoholism and addiction?
Is there desire to be saved so different then our desire for inner peace?
When Kate asked Sawyer why he was leaving them to go with John Lock, and stay on the island, when they finally had a real chance to be saved, He said to her “I’m doing the same thing I always do Kate… surviving.”
Is that true freedom?
Making decisions based on fear to merely survive, to just exist, compromising our truth to just stay alive?
Or is there more?
Is there another option?
Even though as the observer of the story, I can see that they just tirelessly run in circles, planning, scheming, either running from something or chasing something or someone else, never getting any closer to what it is they really want, they as characters in the story, do not see it.
Even though I know that they just need to slow down, to pause to see things clearly, and that all they need, in this very moment, they ALREADY HAVE, and all they’ll ever really need, EACH OTHER, they don’t know how to ever pause long enough, to stop to recognize it.
Whether they were together with the ones they loved, on an island or in a city, on a beach or in a park, it wouldn’t matter.
Why can’t they stop running long enough to see the beauty of the beach, the sun, the ocean waves and the coconuts that surround them, in the simple moments spent together, without constantly wanting something else, needing something else?
Why can they only relax in the seconds caught off guard, laughing and playing ping pong on the home made table made with plane parts and twine, before remembering once again that they aren’t home, they don’t have as much stuff, they don’t have as many “things” as they could have, in the way they think they should have them?
And when the THOUGHT sets in, the lightness fades from their faces, the frowns of worry appear again, and they are compelled by that thought that they must go back to planning their rescue.
Rescue from what? It appears they think it’s from the island. When after watching the culmination of their stories three times now, really what they are running from is themselves. What they run from is the darkness, the past, the pain and the disappointment of their lives.
In this series, We watch them work out these issues in their time on the island, we watch them repeat old mistakes or make new choices. We watch them suffer or heal. The ones who make peace with their lives, who forgive, who let go, come into acceptance that the rest of what they will know as life may be on the island, well… they are the ones who evolve and get free.
You may be thinking, how does this all relate to you?
Why should you care about this story?
You should care because this is YOU’RE story too.
You’re island is happening right here, your suffering on this island is optional, rescue is available TO YOU, though not by boat, by plane or submarine.
And your time is right now.
Leaving you behind is like passing someone on a freeway. For just a second we were side by side. We were in the same place.
But then I had to move on.
As I looked in my rear view mirror, I saw you behind me, appearing as though you weren’t moving. Because I was moving on so quickly, it was like you were standing still.
However instead of loosing focus, when I had distance ahead of you, I could see you more clearly.
I watch you keep taking the same exit, down the same road as before. Back around you come, and then do it all over again.
Soon I will be so far ahead of you that you will disappear from my rear view mirror, and all I will see is the open road behind me.
What I will remember is the brief moment in time when we shared that space on the freeway and the circles you drove in after I was gone.
Will it ever be different for you? Only God knows. Still I keeping driving, wondering who I might pass next.
Wrapped up in your jacket
But not through your sleeves
Your arms around your jacket and me
I can’t wiggle out
Why would I want to try
I tilt up my chin and catch your eyes
Brown with gold flecks
Looking down to the place
Where one finger brushes my lips and face
Resting my head
In the corner of your neck
Squeezing me tighter just to check
That I’m right here with you now
That I know where you are
That I feel us together
Under this winter moon and stars
I’m not leaving yet
I’m staying right here
This time and this moment
Sees us perfectly clear
Every tiny decision carries us on this path to the place ahead of us that can’t be seen until we get there.
Choices that seem so trivial, yet every choice, every action, takes us further down a specific road.
Choices others make cause ripples too. If things others had done would’ve been different than the whole picture would have changed.
Any other time it may have been different. I may not have been ready to see you.
I could’ve not gone to this party. I could’ve easily stayed home.
I do see you now.
I may have passed you up if things weren’t the way they are now, the way I am now.
I could’ve been too afraid to take a risk.
But I made a choice to take a risk on you the moment our eyes met, in a crowded room, full of music and laughter.
It seemed that everyone else vanished into the background and the music and laughter paused for just a moment.
You told me your name as I told you mine. We shared a nervous giggle as we spoke at the same time. You stuck out your hand and I reached for it.
And there it was. That thing that happens in an instant.
The feeling like you’ve always know one another, maybe in some other life.
I knew I was going to know you after that.
And I was right.
Where do we go from here?
Only the winding trail of the future knows.
From everything I am
Everything you feel
so far away
Out of reach of your world
You come back
Every so often
To let me know you still exist
A window from the outside
Over and over again
In each moment
To stay away
grow, change, laugh, cry
In a full life
While you turn over every stone
Searching to find
What is not to be found
For the day
When you know
What I know
What you gave up
Will it be too late
Is it already
And for what
In a world
where definite answers don’t exist
The truth is that what I miss the most, is the friendship we had.
Like when something great or something terrible happened, you were the first one I wanted to call.
I wanted to share the things I learned with you, because I knew you would always understand exactly what I was saying, like we spoke the same language.
I wanted to teach you the things I was taught.
Most of the time when I couldn’t put the things I wanted to say into words, I didn’t need to, because you always got it, just by the look in my eyes or the unspoken feeling expressed all over my face.
You would look at me and I knew it made sense to you.
I knew you would recognize the significance in the things we shared, that you shared the same passion for truth as I did.
The friendship I valued got overshadowed by worldly desires, complications, distractions and people that wanted to pull us apart.
Fear, selfishness, ambitions, pride and all things of ego destroyed the beauty that was not of this world, until there was nothing left but shreds of something unrecognizable.
And the rest of the story, as the story always goes on, is unwritten.
But my hope is that what is unwritten, is something not of darkness anymore, but that it is of the light.
Because there is always room for hope.
When did I unconsciously decide to start holding back again in an effort to protect my self?
It’s something I did my whole life but when I had my first profound awakening, I finally saw that the problem with having the walls up to keep out the bad, was that it came with a high cost.
It was also keeping out everything good.
I had let finally down all the walls and I allowed absolutely everything in.
As scary as it was, it was the time in my life I felt the most free, it was when I felt the most of everything.
It was like taking a leap off a cliff.
There was so much living in those moments, so many lows but yet so many highs too.
But yet again, as life happened, as it always does, ever so subtly, I starting holding back and closing off again.
I wanted to protect myself.
I chose safety over risks.
But in protecting myself, I had stopped living to the fullest like I had been.
I stopped taking those risks.
Life starting loosing the vibrance in it’s color.
I stopped living completely free in the now and tried to find a balance between acting in the moment, and being discernibly cautious.
Is there a right and a wrong way in all this?
Or are there just choices, with costs and prices to pay for each side?