Tears In The Background

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My latest lesson has been uncovering the truth about the pain that has been unacknowledged by me, over the separation from my children the past 2 years. I have been unwilling to look at it and let it in, so therefore it has been just haunting me.

In my eyes, under every smile, every laugh, has been a sign of mourning and sadness. No matter what I do, it’s there.

There are times when I understand that this is my life. There are times when I know that my children have their own autonomous path that may or may not include me daily.

I trust God.

Yet there are most times when my heavy heart aches because they aren’t near.

Tears aren’t far from my eyes at any given moment.

I want to find freedom from this suffering so I wrote a letter to God about this recently and went over it with my spiritual guide. We talked about how to get into solution concerning this pain.

We talked about loving my clients the way I would love my kids. Giving the women I care for the same love I express with my children. Because in all reality they are no different than my kids. If I wasn’t the mom in this story, would I believe they deserved any less love than my boys?

Loving my clients, or anyone in my life, is loving my children. When I love others I am helping make the planet a better place for my kids. We are all connected.

For some reason this helps relieve my suffering.

When I can see everyone as “one life” then the way I act to different people is exactly the same. Ego is the only thing that causes me to act differently depending on who is in front of me.

Ego is what is suffering from being apart from my boys.

I want to live in spirit.

I want to be the mom God intended me to be.

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Unlearn Everything

“We don’t need to learn anything new. We just need to unlearn everything we think we know.”

I never realized that I was going to try to just settle for an average life. Old beliefs, the ones I never even questioned or stopped to think about where they came from, kept me from believing I could go anywhere and do anything I could dream up.

My deepest dreams seemed somehow unreachable. So one by one as I grew up from being a child, I let them all go. I was told that I needed a college education to be anything, that I would have to work hard for my money (and not necessarily enjoy it), that if I didn’t get married and have children something was off with me. I believed I should find “the one” and it should last forever.

I believed that to have a powerful impact on my children, I had to be physically present with them everyday. These are just some of the beliefs that determined how I lived life. No one ever told me to just be who I felt I was meant to be. That I could just be free to be me and what everyone else is doing may not equal happiness.

My experience so far has been that anything is possible and love wins over everything else. Being loving without conditions on that love not only grants me freedom but it creates a path for the impossible to occur.

My job is not hard. It doesn’t feel like work. I get to be me. I get to be of service to amazing girls. I get the daughters I never had. I get to be around those that are walking the same path towards enlightenment that I travel.

The bond I have with my children through the love I have given and continue to give is beyond anything. I don’t have to live with them or do the things most moms do to be their hero. It’s the love that they recognize and eat up.  

It’s why my 15 year old sings me songs in the car that people have made about their moms. It’s why he tells me more than most teenage boys tell their parents. It’s why his smile and eyes shine when we are together. It’s why he feels safe with me. It’s why he proudly talks to his friends about who his mom is. It’s the reason he asks me to stay longer because it’s important to him for me to meet his girlfriend.

My love, he says, is the reason he feels encouraged to follow his truth and succeed.

Success means something totally different to me today. It doesn’t consist of a pay check, money, the car, the house, the intimate partner, the admiration of others or anything like that.

Today it means that my life is full of love and close relationships, self respect, self love, inner peace and fulfillment. It’s only been seven and a half months on this new part of my human journey and I’ve gained so much of what I always wanted but was looking in all the wrong places for.

Gratitude fills my heart and if I really take a good look at truth, I’m already exactly where I need to be.

Nine Years Ago

Nine years ago
The day you were born
I first saw your little face
And I knew the heavens were smiling down on us

Your little fingers and toes
I counted every single one
The fuzzy hair on top of your head
My hand smoothed with a gentle touch

Crying subdued as you heard the sound of my voice you already knew
And felt the warmth of my skin
I held you close
As I whispered silent promises of lifelong dedication
To help you live your dreams

Little button nose
Soft round cheeks
Tiny lids and lashes
Your eyes finally opened

As I gazed into those baby blues
I felt the light of unconditional love that touched me at my core
In an instant I understood it all
That we were two halves of a whole

Every day I’ve seen you grow into who you are meant to be
My heart fills more and more with joy
To know you is a sacred and precious gift
To be your mother is an honor and my love for you will go on long after forever

 

 

 

 

 

 

Standing In The Light

We cannot go into the darkness to save anyone.

We can only stand in the light and take the hand of those who are willing to step into the light with us.

That is truth.

It’s sad to see another human we love suffer. It’s hard when we have been granted freedom from our own suffering by taking action with the solution.

We know without a doubt that it works.

We want this for others.

But like a mother on an airplane who is instructed to place the oxygen mask first before placing it on the mouths of her children, we have to build within ourselves if we hope to be of any help to another human being.

If we were to offer to help place the oxygen mask on someone who can’t do it on their own and they were to refuse the oxygen mask, do we stay and struggle to force it while vital seconds of survival tick away?

There may be someone in another part of the plane crying for help, wanting the mask, willing to accept the gift of life.

We don’t get to choose who wants joy, freedom, happiness, love, connection and life.

It is true powerlessness.

By standing in the light, putting out goodness into the world, loving without conditions, we get to help create spiritual warriors on the planet.

Today I will stand in the light and look for those who are reaching up their hands for help.