Out of Self

When I am suffering, the answer may seem to be to delve into “self” and go into past stories of my life to find the answer to my problem. Some may say we need to “process” what we’ve been through to get to a state of well being.

Yet my problem is of a spiritual nature.

And every spiritual teaching tells us that the answer is to get out of self.

The idea of self is just ego trying to create separation between ourselves, God and others.

The more I go into my story, my past, my own suffering, I just get more of the same.

When we get out of self, remember that we are not separate at all, we finally feel the oneness with all that is created.

We know we are just a part of the same whole.

We find relief in giving more love to others, taking less interest in our own selfish wants and desires.

We find we are understood only in the understanding of others.

However we cannot fully understand and accept others until we love them unconditionally first.

We find comfort in comforting others.

The peace and comfort I wish to find is never in the seeking for myself.

Today my only goal is to be loving to those in my life.

I never know if I’ll have a tomorrow.

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My Thinking Mind

I am so blessed to have had the gift of suffering and desperation so that I could be awakened to the truth. The pain and confusion of my existence up until almost eight months ago was necessary to push me into seeking to know my creator and what I am.

My thinking mind has been in opposition to my spirit the whole time. I just haven’t been conscious to it. My mind wants to replay the past, confine me to it and create scenarios of tragedy for the future.

When in truth, I am not my past nor my future.

These are just things that have happened. But that is just a story. It is not me. When I can become aware of the thoughts coming from my mind and that they aren’t reality, I have a chance to not buy into them.

The peace I have found is by staying present and ceasing to resist everything and everyone. The flow of the universe is something that I just go along with. It’s so much easier than attempting to struggle against it.

I can only be at peace when my mind is quiet and I’m fully in the beauty of the moment. I can experience true freedom.

Out of self, more God

The disease of alcoholism is alive and well inside me even when abstaining from mind altering substances.

It took me many relapses to finally see what that meant for myself and to have enough willingness to treat it.

The day can be perfect. I can wake up with a beautiful day before me, read spiritual literature, be grateful to God for my life and my sobriety and hold tremendous hope for the day ahead.

All it takes is a second and a thought and I’m in my alcoholism. I’m consumed with the past, the pain, the “mistakes”, the darkness, the fear, the things that “happened to me”. My ego, self and thinking have taken over and all of a sudden I am overwhelmed with the perception that things are not okay.

Thoughts happen, a lot of thoughts at a rapid rate, and they circulate around and around in my mind.

I’m for a time, convinced that I should be in guilt, shame and unhappiness for the life I’ve lived. Hope disappears and I feel like I can’t participate in the day.

These thoughts override everything, when in reality, nothing has changed.

I doubt myself, my choices, my path and I just want to crawl deep inside myself, alone and sink into thinking my way out of it, or perhaps not anything like that but just staying there.

It’s a miserable place to be. I want to retreat from life.

It never fails that when I am focused on self, how I am possibly going to get what I want and need, I get miserable and fearful very quickly.

So what do I do?

Thank God I have the answers laid out before me. Thank God I am now aware of when this is my alcoholism because when I am coming from a place of my spirit, witnessing this occurring, I can take action to release myself from this needless suffering.

I can bring my body and my spirit and my mind has no choice but to follow.

I can move towards God away from self and selfishness. I can reach out to others with light and love.

Between the fight of ego and spirit, the one that wins is the one I feed.

So all I have to do is choose to feed the light within me.

The light burns brighter and the darkness fades.

The only thing I know that cuts through darkness is to shine a light where it lives.