A Small Prayer

It’s funny how the human part of me needs much of everything. The desire for community, safety, companionship, intimacy, success, love, drive my attitudes and actions. I’m always wanting but no matter how much I seek outside myself, it’s never enough.

I play this game of life and yet spirit knows it’s just a game. It’s all just a creation, a story I’m making. It means a lot, yet it means little. How often do I go down dead end roads expecting to find a pot of gold when all there is is a dead end. An end or a beginning or both? When I can look within to find a soul that is just looking to be freed, when I let all earthly desires go like sand through my fingers, I find peace and love unconditional.

God, let me be free today and help me to stop looking for false happiness. Help me find something real, something that lasts.

Help me to know you and feel close to you, all the moments of my life.

Help Me God

God help me forgive the man who stole my phone today.

A phone I had for less than a month, after losing my last one to a wave at the ocean.

He doesn’t see that by harming another he is really harming himself.

Help me let go of the anger, frustration and sadness felt from the senseless act at the hands of another.

It’s just a phone, contact numbers, pictures and writings.

It just happened a few weeks ago and I dealt with it then.

I can do it again.

It’s not really about the stolen phone though.

It triggered things much deeper, like these surface things always do.

It was just the wind that blew down my house of cards.

Help me let go of the violation I feel by this latest loss.

Thank you for helping me not stay a victim but have another experience of taking my power back.

Help me to accept this and learn what I must learn from this experience and not loose faith in human beings.

Thank you for keeping me in the light and allowing me the willingness to not stay in the darkness.

I cannot do this on my own.

I need your help.

Comfort me.

Be with me.

Keep me safe.

I trust in your will.

Knowledge and Power

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God grant me knowledge and power.

Help me to quiet my mind and see with my soul.

Allow my knowing to be clear and give me the courage and power to carry out your will.

Help me be loving and tolerant of others.

Please remove my fears.

Help me to forget everything I think I know for a new experience today.

Help me remain humble and teachable.

Help me to be in the moment so that I may experience the beauty and joy that exists all around me.

Help me to always look at the world with childlike wonder.

Keep me from retreating, holding back and being closed off from loving and caring for others.

Help me to be open to what is.

Keep me from being locked in this idea of self and see where I can be of help to those I may reach.

Allow me to release my past and who I think I am so I may grow towards who I am meant to be.

Give me courage to live in and speak truth unattached to the result.

God please just for today, replace my fears and resentments with trust and belief in your will for me.

May thy will and mine be one.

Gratitude

I am grateful for:

The awkwardness of first kisses
Baby blue eyes
Love songs
Dinner’s for two
Trying new food with someone I trust
Kitties
Thoughtful text messages
Hand holding
Sidewalk hugs
The moon by the pool house
Photo memories
Late night talks with giggles
Cuddling
Passionate embraces
Intimate stares
Ocean air and the negative ions from the waves
Your touching my soul
Having known you
Allowing you to know me
Experiencing even a moment of perfection
Friendship
Love
Kindness
Freedom to do it all over again

The Change Must Come From Within

My soul aches for the lesson of you.

 

Ego seeks to control and manage against what is.

 

Glimpses of perfection hang in the air like the scent of you after your gone.

 

Brief moments of freedom when nothing mattered in the world but the two of us.

 

No clamour of the past or noise of the future.

 

My reality based on perception instead perception creating what I see.

 

Was any of it really what I believed?

 

Or was the story mine alone?

 

Wanting to make something what it will not be.

 

Sending light across time and space in hopes to heal a heart that is not mine to heal.

 

Wishing the switch to turn on the fuel to ignite your flame to burn as bright as it’s meant to be.

 

Waiting for your words and actions to mirror back at me what I feel for you.

 

Exhausted by indecision.

 

Needing to just be truly seen by you.

 

Tears fall on my pillow.

 

Wishing, wanting and needing cannot free a heart from the bondage of it’s past.

 

The change must come from within.

 

 

 

 

Creating Reality

The problem that causes all of my “problems” in this human experience lies not in truth but in my perception of my day.

My reality is based in the story I tell myself. My feelings follow from whatever story I am telling myself.

Most always, nothing changes in my day. Truth does not change. It’s the story I start telling myself from my thoughts that cause me to feel a certain way.

It comes from my judgement of events.

That judgement comes from belief systems not based in truth.

I can start to tell myself a new story.

I can tell myself any story I wish and then my feelings can change around what I see is happening.

I can tell myself wonderful stories, stories of gratitude, and create a wonderful existence.

I have the power to control my feelings.

I can tell myself that every moment in my present life is bringing me to something greater.

It lies in the connection of mind, body and spirit.

Guided by spirit, I can change what my mind thinks, my “feelings” and the reaction of my body to my thinking mind.

Being constantly aware of the story I tell myself takes practice.

If I let God in I have the power to change it all, to change my entire reality.

 

When Willingness Meets Clarity

Willingness is the key to spiritual growth.

All I need is a beginning.

When I don’t have it, I humbly ask the universe to provide me with willingness.

It’s that simple.

All I have to do is ask and it is given to me.

It is the stepping stone to attaining what someone like me has always been looking for my whole life, just in the wrong places.

I always ask my sponsor why I have been granted the life and sobriety that I have been blessed with today and most importantly, how to keep it.

I have relapsed so many times but have never been as awake and connected as I have been this time.

I want more than anything to keep this gift and continue to evolve.

She said that the only thing she can say is that it’s when clarity meets willingness.

I love to surround myself with people that are willing.

People that are excited to talk about the things they learn about themselves, the growth they experience, the honest self appraisals, the hope in life and the freedom they experience from being present and free.

It inspires me.

Amazing things happen when we feel truly free.

We meet people we may have never met.

We allow people to know us and experience powerful connections that can only happen when two people are open.

It’s amazing.

There is so much left to learn.

There is so much love to share, feel and give.

I can only have this life if I stay willing and teachable.

And I have a special place in my heart for those who do the same.

Return of the darkness

It’s easy to forget, the further I get away from the time I lived in complete darkness, that I am blessed to still be alive on this planet. It’s easy to forget everything I should be grateful for when I have the disease of alcoholism. The odds of surviving alcoholism aren’t good. It doesn’t mean it’s not possible to live a life that’s free and joyous, it’s just that people like me have to constantly work at it, constantly connect with a higher power.

This weekend reminded me of how fragile I am.

Looking back on things I seem to have more clarity than when I’m “in it”. My ego was hard at work before I was even conscious to it. I was already in a downward spiral of lack of faith and heightened fear. I was forgetting everything that had become clear.

My connection was fading.

I felt like I needed to go back to see my boys. I went back to the town where everything “happened” thinking I would be alright.

So I went.

When I got there my thinking mind went to work to screw me. I was not in a good place. But I was there. Every place I went I had horrible memories flash before me. It had happened when I had made previous visits but this time was different. It was vivid and “real”.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt uneasy. I felt and underlying anxiousness that would not go away. I prayed “God help me” over and over.

It seemed too late for that.

When the second night finally came I was not prepared for what was to come. A situation came up that I was totally not in a place to deal with. Suddenly not only did I not trust myself but I didn’t trust God or anyone else. Thoughts of a drink or a drug seemed inevitable. I just wanted the terrible feeling to go away. The worst of it had gone on for hours. It seemed like an eternity.

I felt completely at the mercy of my circumstances and my alcoholism. My mind would not allow me to accept help. It was almost over.

My life flashed before my eyes, especially about the last 6 months I have spent sober. I thought to myself how sad it was going to be, to end this way. I mean end this way because I wouldn’t last long if I went back to alcohol and drugs. I know it. I lived in complete hell. I can’t even stand the memories of it. The disease has progressed too far for me to live like that anymore. I wouldn’t come back.

I don’t know how I asked for help when it felt like everything in me was fighting it. Maybe my previous praying did work. I know it was God.

It wasn’t me.

I made it back out of my old home town. I am back in my safe bubble, fragile, overwhelmed and a little lost still but I’m alive, sober and grateful. I’m focusing on building back my connection to the universe and everything in it. Life is happening around me. I’m saying yes to everything. I’m opening up to people, helping those around me, telling the truth and asking for help. I’m humbled once again.

I never can assume that I am guaranteed another day or that I can rest on the spirituality of yesterday.

I only have today.

And to the person who took a chance and answered my call for help, thank you. You have no idea how you changed the course of my life that night.