Run.. You are on quicksand

The law of the universe states that what goes up must must come down.

When highs are built on false happiness, unlike real joy that only comes from within, extreme lows will follow.

Outside solutions built on quicksand always fail us because the material world always demands more.

Material world, means the things that lie outside of us, money, success, relationships, attention, fame, adoration.

What once felt good becomes a need for more.

Relationships do not make us whole, they only temporarily make us feel better to mask the real problem of the spiritual hole within us if not filled with our creator.

“Make me feel better about myself.”

“Take away my sadness.”

“That fact that you love me makes me feel worthy.”

“Looking in your eyes makes me temporarily forget all my pain, all of the pain I’ve caused others just to get here.”

“Your beautiful and you love me so that must mean I’m beautiful.”

“Fill me up, make me whole, love me more, give me more of you, it’s not enough, it’s not enough, it’s just not enough, I’m not enough…”

The solution turns into the problem because you, human, will fail me.

I’ve failed me.

What was the cost of getting here, with you, right now?”

“Can I forgive it?”

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Letting Go

One thing I’ve discovered about myself is that I have a high capacity for justification. I can invariably hurt people and not see it. I lie to myself. I always have truth deep within me, but sometimes I’m far from admitting it. If I tell myself the truth, then I have to change. And if I don’t want to change, I continue to lie to myself and blame others.

I think I’m taking the easier, softer way by not having to courage to walk away from situations that are harmful to others, but really it’s because of my own selfishness. I don’t want to leave the comfort I get from someone’s attention, someone’s love, and I stay because I don’t want to be alone.

There will always come a time when the truth finds me, and I can no longer continue to live the lie. The people around me retaliate to my actions and it’s time to do the right thing.

Sometimes the right thing means walking away, freeing others from the hold I have on them. Loving them enough to allow them to finally find what they need, when I know it’s certainly not me.

The answer is always in loving more, loving myself and others. Letting go and moving on frees me from the suffering I create.

What is my choice to be?

Just A Passing Car

I saw you the other day.

I was driving down a road on a time I normally don’t, in a huge city, and you passed right by me in your car.

I don’t know if you saw me, but I saw you. I hadn’t seen you in a long time. But that day, in this big city, on that road, at that time, we passed each other.

And all of a sudden it was fresh again. The feelings I keep thinking are gone and worked through just pop up again like it all happened yesterday. I felt sadness and a sense of loss, still, after all this time.

Like I still miss you. I still can’t believe you left me. I can’t believe you chose someone else.

When we were together I never once pictured a time when you might be holding someone else at night, like you were holding me, like you are probably holding her now.

I was so sure it could never happen, like I knew the ending of a story I had read in my favorite book a thousand times.

I was so sure.

I was wrong like I’ve been so many times before about things I thought I was certain of.

Maybe this feeling will never leave. I fear it will never go away like a coffee stain on my favorite white t-shirt.

Love doesn’t ever go anywhere, even when the physical world breaks you apart from someone.

It’s all still like a dream that I woke up from, falling to floor of the truth after floating in what I thought was real. I guess you never felt the same about me as I did about you. I must have made it all up in a reality that I had created just to pretend.

I try to be happy for you.

If this is what you want, then it’s what I want. Above all else, the only meaning of true love is without conditions, which means that love doesn’t need to be returned.

Today, I want nothing from you but for you to follow your heart always, wherever that takes you.

Today you are only just a passing car in my life. Here one moment and gone the next like a stranger, like you were never even there.

That is how things are today.

The one thing I am grateful for is that I got the chance to experience loving you, even though it was one sided.

I wish you everything you dream for in life.

My love and prayers are always with you, my passing car.

What I Want

I want you wrapped around my finger, so I can hold my hand close to my heart and know you’ll be there.

I want you’re steps to follow mine on this path, and you can let me lead so if I get scared you will right behind be and maybe hold me close and tell me it will be okay.

I want you to call, if just to tell me you’ve not forgotten me, and that in your thoughts I stay, like the lingering scent of my perfume long after I am gone.

I want you to remind me, just every now and then, of all the reasons why you chose me, and continue to choose me, just in case I forget.

You asked me what I want.

I want you to let me in, all the way in, past your walls, your insecurities, your self protection, so that I can find a place to stay.

I only want all of you, all your spirit had to offer, all your fears and doubts, all your hopes and dreams, all the space in your heart that is open for me.

And maybe I’ll have more to add to this list tomorrow, but for now, all of this will do.

New Beginnings

With every ending is a new beginning, more beautiful, more deep and more lovely than before.

With every moment of deciding what I haven’t wanted, I’ve been able to discover what I do want.

Every time I have walked away from not good enough, I find that the universe provides me with something better.

It’s been there all along, the best my creator can offer, I just have missed it.

Too focused on the past to see what’s right in front of me, what’s here and now is so much more than before.

It’s the gentle wave of a new beginning.

Beauty and hope all wrapped up together in something truthful.

I hear you universe, whispering in my ear, “Push on forward, my gifts are just beginning.”

If I Could Tell You I’d Say This…

I’m human and sometimes I do things that I’m not proud of. To expect, that even though I am seeking enlightenment, that I will ever not doing stupid things, is an unrealistic expectation.

I guess somewhere in me I still hold on to the belief that it is okay to intentionally hurt someone if I feel that someone intentionally hurt me. If I look back on my experience though, never has harming another solved any problems. It in fact just adds to the problem and makes things worse.

Even though I know deep down inside that the answer to all problems is more love, I don’t always make it to that perfect ideal. I have made decisions, based on self, that have deeply harmed others. I cannot go back and undo what I’ve done but I can learn from those experiences and strive towards something better.

I can choose to not cause anymore harm to those around me.

I can ask those I’ve harmed if there is anything I can do to make it right.

There are those who I have held emotionally hostage with resentments about things that have happened in the recent past. I have blamed others for my own incompleteness, insecurities and unhappiness. Pointing the finger at others I have said, “You did this to me”, playing the victim.

As a result of that belief, I chose to harm someone I have loved and respected, by using what I know about their weaknesses specifically to hit them where I knew it would hurt.

I knew it would be an effective way to get to this person.

And it worked.

I not only harmed them, I harmed myself.

Because I’ve had to live with it.

The reality is that nothing was done to me. Things unfolded the way they were supposed to in God’s order, and yes, I just happened to be in the story.

But I have let go of any blame. I have made peace with the story, understanding that it has all happened exactly the way it should’ve and I trust in that.

I am no longer angry or resentful, no longer do I believe their was fault to be found, no longer am I using these experiences as the cause of my my own issues.

I am happy and complete today. My life is good. Actually it is really good. I wish I could let this person know all this.

I wish I could tell them that I forgive them for everything.

This person is not speaking to me and it’s understandable.

But if I could talk to them, I would tell them that I wish for them to be happy, fulfilled and free in whatever way that looks for them. I wish for them everything I wish for myself.

I would say that they don’t need to worry about me at all, because I am great, better than great.

I would say go and be happy and know that there is always at least one person out there that loves them unconditionally, no matter what, with or without me, speaking or not speaking, forever apart or together, silently cheering them on in everything they do.

And that person is me.

Time To Move On

When I feel guilt or shame over my own actions, I am not at peace and have more of a reason to be resentful at another.

The way to ease my soul is to do what I can to amend the situation and change going forward.

Blaming others is not the solution to mend my own unhappiness.

I may succeed in getting someone else to feel guilty over something, but the reason for my uncomfortableness is not fixed or healed by another’s feelings or attitudes.

The problem still resides within me.

Forgiveness does not mean I approve or agree with another’s actions, it means I accept their humanness and am ready to allow my heart to heal.

Forgiveness is so that I can move on.

Complete With Just Me

What I need to do is thank God for my life today and for the person I’ve become by allowing God to work through me instead of resisting what happens to be at this moment.

As I sat there today with my sponsor frustrated and confused my sponsor said to me, “Do you know how amazing you are?”

I just looked blankly at her because my ego tells me different even though my soul knows the truth.

Just then one of our clients came in and told her that she just wanted her to know how amazing I had been to her while my boss was gone out of the country and how good I had taken care of her. It was followed up by many of the girls I care for saying the same thing.

She said everyone knows it see?

The truth is that I have a beautiful life today full of people who think I’m just an angel, which is far different from what people had thought of me just over a year ago.

I can lay my head down at night and know my day has been in service to my creator and I’ve been the best person I can be.

I am free.

Path to Awakening

When you wrap your arms around me, hold me close and whisper in my ear, “I feel safe”, I understand.

You said you see light in my eyes and you just want to spend time with me.

You say you see the world in my eyes.

I know what you really see, even if you don’t.

I know why you feel this way, even when you don’t.

If I could just give you all the answers you seek, I would.

If I could hand you all of what I see and know to be true, I would serve it to you on a silver platter.

If I told you that all that I have within me, you have as well but you just don’t know it, would you believe me?

I can be all of this, be the light of being, and hope that you follow.

But your path to awakening is between you and God alone.

I will hold your hand though.

I will try and make things easier.

I will love you the entire way.