Why Do Some Get And Stay Sober?

No two human experiences are ever the same. There can similarities but really everyone has their own journey maybe only understood by the one having it.

As far as drug addicts and alcoholics, the mystery is how some people get sober young, some old or some never.

Some people get sober and stay sober for their entire life and some get sober and relapse, get sober and relapse.

I can’t even fully answer the question of my own journey. I often wonder what it was about me that just couldn’t get it and keep it.

Even though it has been my path I don’t regret any of it.

I try not to spend too much time “figuring it out”.

Trying to “figure it out” never helped me before.

Staying present is my biggest tool for peace in my life.

What matters to me most now is what I’ve done this far to have a new and different experience with the 12 steps and with life.

I see more now than ever before.

I am more conscious than ever before.

I have more courage, faith, belief, trust, awareness, calm, peace, joy, freedom and hope than ever before.

That is what is important to me today.

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Alcoholism And The Solution

“If he is to find God, the desire must come from within.”

Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 95

The only solution for my problem is a spiritual solution. After years and years of research on how to treat Alcoholism, the only thing that has been working in the lives of alcoholics and drug addicts, that gives us a chance to live free from the obsession to drink or use drugs, is spiritual growth.

No person can save another alcoholic. We can be the light, live as examples of freedom and work with others but unless the person suffering has willingness, there isn’t much else that can be done.

People who do not stay sober either can not or will not. The only thing that can save us from this progressive and fatal illness is God.

When we don’t have the willingness we can pray to God for it to come.

It’s hard to watch when others we love and care about aren’t willing to reach for solution. There is going to be loss as we travel this narrowing path. People will come in and out of our lives.

It just is.

The focus must remain on ourselves and our own spiritual growth so when those who are ready to grow towards the light come to us, we can be there to help.

Everyone has there own path on this earth and I don’t need to understand it and never will, but today I can be grateful for the freedom I have found and the willingness to know and serve God. I can be grateful for those I have in my life that bring me such joy.

I can thank God for another day on this planet free from bondage and suffering.

I can thank God for having the miracle of today.

The Miracle Already IS

The miracle that happens for a girl like me through living a spiritual way of life, is to have another day alive and sober on this planet.

For whatever reason, I have a disease called alcoholism that is progressive and fatal. I hadn’t been able to live comfortably without putting something in my body to alter my mind for most of my life.

However, today I live free from the obsession to use a drink or a drug. Not only have I not used a mind altering substance in over eight months but I have had the most interesting and fun journey thus far.

At this point it cannot just about getting “relief”. I’m constantly shooting for happy, joyous and FREE.

And it happens.

So it baffles me that I used to deny the existence of an unconditionally loving God. According to the odds, I should be dead or loaded.

But I’m not.

If no human power can help me, no thing, job, amount of money, then my only hope is God.

So I pray every day to know God and his will for me.

Only someone like me, with alcoholism, would be granted the miracle and gift of life but then that not be enough, still be unsatisfied and want more.

This is the disease centered in self.

I have been granted the gift of life for today therefore my first priority has to be how can I love and serve God.

As long as I remember this and have gratitude in my heart, I can possibly have yet another day.

Born Into A New Life

If someone would’ve told me eight months ago that I would be living in another city, sober from any mind altering substances, awakened, with a new amazing job caring for a house full of girls that are like family, the same house that saved my life and be looking at a future full of hope, I would’ve called them crazy.

I expected to be six feet under the earth. I wanted to die. I prayed for death to come take me.

But death would not come for me as much as I invited it.

Instead I was lifted out of hell by a God that had different plans for me. Although I did not choose it, I was awakened.  I didn’t know how I knew but it was clear to me early on in my sobriety that I had a job to do on this planet.

And I was willing.

Willingness turned into determination. The more I seek answers, to understand the truth, the more it becomes clear where my place is in this world and what I must do.

Serve God first, help others awaken and then everything else.

It’s no longer about me and what I want.

I now get that every second of my existence on earth so far had to happen, in the exact way it happened, to prepare me for this next part of my journey. All of the darkness has been necessary because without it I wouldn’t have sought out the light.

There is always more work to be done, if my soul is to evolve. The work that needs to be done can only be done within. It’s a gift to be able to be present for this experience, so I can see the things that still block me from God, myself and others.

I can be present for the lessons.

By putting first thing first, my life has opened up and amazing things are happening.

I can’t wait to see what comes next. But one thing I know for sure is that whatever it is, I will be right here and right now to experience it.

And for that I am thankful.

No Matter What

If there is one thing I know to be true

On this journey towards the light

The one thing I need to always honor

To be able to live on this earth without needing to reach for something to quiet my mind

Is to live in and speak up for truth

No matter what the world thinks

No matter what those around me think

Whether people leave me or don’t leave me

Whether people like it or don’t like it

I answer to my creator

I need to have the courage to carry the message of truth

I need to stand in the light of solution

I need to speak up about God, that all knowing creative intelligence that performs miracles on those like me that have been lifted out of darkness and shown the way

I know that my soul cannot tolerant the false reality around me that most choose to live in

I have been granted a gift and my primary purpose is to honor that

 

The Story of Goodbye Letters

Today I decided to scroll through and delete notes from my notepad on my iPhone. I wanted to create more space as I tend to use this feature for everything under the sun. I write things to remember, addresses, books and documentaries I want to read and watch eventually, test run emails to send, write out blog posts and many other things.

When I went back to the earliest of notes, which were written before I got clean and sober this time, I found some things I would’ve liked to forget.

Actually, I HAD forgotten but this journey through my notepad was a jarring reminder of the life I had led, the things I had done and said and the space I was in mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Among the documentation of dates and events for my child custody lawyer, the pleading email drafts to my children’s father, the accusatory text drafts to his on again/off again girlfriend and the delusional words of a lost little girl with no hope, I found a draft of a suicide letter I had wrote to my then 14 year old son.

In the last few weeks before my intervention, I had reached the point of making it my mission to leave this earth. There was nothing in me that believed there was any hope of a way out. My fate was to die at an early age with a tragic ending to a tragic story.

I had given up. I had tried in multiple ways to end my life but something or someone always intervened.

While in my car on one of my three day disappearing acts, I decided I better write a goodbye letter to my boys. I guess I decided to intend that these letters get to them on their eighteenth birthdays.

In these letters I explain to my boys that I just didn’t know how to live anymore, that I loved them with all my heart and I would be watching over them in spirit always. I was deeply saddened for leaving them but there was no other way.

I knew I had left them in my car where they would be easily found. I don’t know what ever happened to those letters.

What I hadn’t remembered was that I wrote them first on my iPhone notepad, which is where for the first time sober, I got to read them today.

It was like reading an excerpt of a book written about a fictional character or taking a peek into the life of someone else. I felt sadness for this girl.

She was so scared, alone and hopeless that she felt the best she could do is take her own life and leave behind her two beautiful sons because she felt they would have a better life without her.

She felt she had nothing left to offer the world or anyone in it.

It’s been over seven months now and how she, or I, have changed can only be described as a miracle.

Today my life is full of purpose and joy.

I have a full life of family, friends, loved ones and a fellowship that has risen up around me through simply being kind, loving and of service to others. Most of my days are happy, joyous and free. I strive to live life as fully as I can with new experiences every day. I am always learning new things about myself and others which bring me closer to who God intends me to be.

This miracle has happened only through working the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous which brought me to know my creator.

 

The Space Between You And I

God exists not only in each one of us but in the space between you and I.

I cannot claim to want to experience intimacy if I cannot give up trying to protect myself.

The two cannot coexist.

I can only be in true connection with myself, God and others, when I truly allow myself to be vulnerable.

I can only be free when I stop trying to control the universe which will not be controlled.

My soul WILL evolve whether my ego likes it or not.

I will choose to be free.

5 Principles To Freedom

The 5 spiritual principles that lead me to freedom that I have sought my who human life are:

1. To thine own self be true

I follow it no matter what. I don’t let fear of consequences, people’s reactions or my thinking mind determine how I live in this day. I push fear aside and follow my heart. I don’t allow my ego or pride to dictate my actions.

2. Loving without conditions

It’s always about loving more, never less. I allow myself to love and be loving. Only when I give love to others, can I feel love and allow myself to be loved. It’s never in the seeking.

3. Non-judgement

Truth is there is no good and bad, right and wrong, should and shouldn’t. That is the lie the ego tells us. It is a trap that keeps us isolated from God and away from the light.

4. Non-violation

I don’t cause harm to myself or others. Shutting of from God, being unwilling, stuck and not reaching for solution harms me and I, in turn, harm others.

5. Presence

I stay in the now. I let go of the past and stay out of the future. I allow God to work in my life and experience peace. I turn everything over. I remain present so I can see the beauty of what’s been given to me. I allow people in. I remain teachable. I stay open and allow the experience of right now.

I have been given everything I need. It’s whether I choose to recognise the gifts from God or turn away from them.

Do I live in self will and return to insanity?

Or do I let go?

The choice is mine alone.

When Willingness Meets Clarity

Willingness is the key to spiritual growth.

All I need is a beginning.

When I don’t have it, I humbly ask the universe to provide me with willingness.

It’s that simple.

All I have to do is ask and it is given to me.

It is the stepping stone to attaining what someone like me has always been looking for my whole life, just in the wrong places.

I always ask my sponsor why I have been granted the life and sobriety that I have been blessed with today and most importantly, how to keep it.

I have relapsed so many times but have never been as awake and connected as I have been this time.

I want more than anything to keep this gift and continue to evolve.

She said that the only thing she can say is that it’s when clarity meets willingness.

I love to surround myself with people that are willing.

People that are excited to talk about the things they learn about themselves, the growth they experience, the honest self appraisals, the hope in life and the freedom they experience from being present and free.

It inspires me.

Amazing things happen when we feel truly free.

We meet people we may have never met.

We allow people to know us and experience powerful connections that can only happen when two people are open.

It’s amazing.

There is so much left to learn.

There is so much love to share, feel and give.

I can only have this life if I stay willing and teachable.

And I have a special place in my heart for those who do the same.

Let Go And Just Be Present

When the now becomes intolerable, I know it’s time to let go and move on.

I don’t have to follow my knowing but when I don’t I suffer.

Every experience I’ve had I’ve needed to grow spiritually, to learn what I’ve needed to learn and to get to the next thing.

And I have experience and proof in my own life that the next thing is ALWAYS way better when I believe in the fact that I meant for something better.

When I set my intentions out in the universe it responds, for me lately, rather quickly.

One of the most important things I’m learning to practice is to listen to my soul, my spirit, my heart and follow that no matter what anyone says or thinks.

The steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and my angelic sponsor are my guide to fine tuning my connection with God and hearing the answers from within me.

My relationship with God and the universe is mine alone.

It’s for me to find the answers within.

The answer is not for any other human on the planet to tell me where I should be, what I should do or what experiences are necessary for me to fulfill my purpose on this earth.

When I stay present I am not in fear and miracles happen around me.

People are placed in my life at the exact time they should be and more importantly I am present to recognize it.

I’m not missing anything.

My faith in God is growing by leaps and bounds everyday.

Life just keeps getting better and better.

Today is a miracle.

The best is yet to come.