Bad Luck???

I don’t believe there is such a thing as “bad luck”. There was a time when I would use those words to describe the things that happened to me that I didn’t like, or that I labeled as “bad”.

Now I see that everything that goes on in my life is a product of something on my part.

It says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that “we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.”

I had read this line what felt like a thousand times until one day it clicked in a way it never had before.

I finally realized that though I had no control over other people’s actions, and may not have directly caused an action on someone else’s part, that if I went back far enough I could see a decision based on self that placed me in the position to be hurt. Even if that decision was as simple as seeing the signs but not walking away from harms way.

I saw that the chaos that happened in my outer life was a reflection of what was going on inside, that energetically I drew these events to me. If I had an argument, I had a part, because one person can’t argue. If I was treated poorly by someone in my life more than once, just maybe I allowed it.

Once I made a decision to not tolerate abuse, it just fell away from my life. Once I had hit a bottom with drama, it ended. Once I stopped believing in limitations, they vanished. Once I had enough of the kind of relationships that caused me pain and decided I was done settling with them, they didn’t happen any more.

They just may have been my creation, because deep down I didn’t believe I was worthy of love, so I couldn’t allow people who just wanted to love me, into my heart.

The bad news, if all this is true, is that I have no right to complain about “bad luck” because I am the cause.

The good news is that I don’t have to wait on the luck of the world to swing my way to finally be happy and free, I get to chose.

It’s up to me.

And that’s some really good news.

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Breaking The Cycle

Taking an honest look at my past is valuable because it can be used as my doorway to freedom.

I say this because unless I know where I came from and what those experiences taught me about the world I live in, I won’t be able to see how and why I keep recreating it over and over today.

The continual unconscious drive to keep living out the same insanity keeps me in bondage.

Unless and until I become awake to the patterns of my actions and the underlying beliefs behind them, I am unable to make new choices and do something different for a different result.

As a survivor of molestation by someone who was supposed to be my protector, I have continued out that cycle by the choices I have made in my intimate life.

What seemed “normal” to me was that the person who was supposed to protect me was actually my abuser, like a kidnapped victim falling for their kidnapper.

I couldn’t see what was actually happening.

I didn’t understand why this was happening over and over again.

I didn’t know that I was the one who was creating it now.

I have become to see this play out in my life today and now can recognise it much quicker and finally have the awareness to make new choices and take different actions that lead me towards a better existence.

More consciousness develops from this inside work.

I get closer and closer to the life I want.

That is what I call freedom.

Survive

Getting sober is not for the faint at heart. A lot of times things come up from the past. Memories of events too painful for our psyche to deal with finally surface. We have shoved these events far down in our consciousness.

Sometimes these things that happen when we are children are so traumatic that it’s like we never knew they happened to us. It feels like remembering for the first time. It’s not an easy thing to confront.

I watch as women around me just can’t move past the pain. They just can’t face these traumas and they don’t make it.  I thank God for those lessons in what I don’t want to be.

So many of us women don’t make it.

As much as I don’t want these things to have happened to me, as much as I wish it would just go away, that it wasn’t THIS specific person, it doesn’t make it not true. It doesn’t make it go away. It can’t change what has already happened.

To try avoid going through this would be a death sentence.

Why has this come up now after all these months? I wish I understood.

My spiritual guide says that the timing of these memories surfacing is no mistake, that God doesn’t reveal things to us that we are not ready to handle. She says if it comes up, it’s time.

I made a decision a long time back that if I was going to get sober again that I was going to be one of the ones who make it. I see that this can be survived. I believe it to be true.

I know there are solutions if only I reach for them. Even when paralysed with sadness, sometimes if I can just lift a finger in that direction, I can see the horizon of hope.

All I have to do is be willing to try.