It’s Not A Theory

Those of us that are sober, really sober, have an amazing internal truth detector.

When listening to people speak or share in meetings that are disingenuous we can tell.

When people speak truth we can tell.

There’s a big difference between knowing how to talk program and making people laugh, and living by spiritual principles.

A speaker in AA said recently “if you’re sitting in meetings and not working the steps, we can tell.”

It’s true.

Those of us who work the steps, who honestly look at ourselves and strive towards spiritual growth, shine like little flames.

You can see the light in people’s eyes.

There is no need for anyone to talk about it.

It’s clearly evident through the way we live it.

This spiritual way of life is not a theory.

Advertisements

The Truth Can Sting A Bit

Sometimes the truth stings.

Sometimes it can be a serious blow to the ego.

But like my sponsor has taught me, nothing bad can ever happen from the truth.

Nothing can ever be wrong with being really real and just putting it out there.

That is what I’ve started to do in a safe anonymous space which is my blog.

Most do not live in truth, they dance around it, cover it up, avoid it, deny it, anything other than to face it.

I am now compelled to live in nothing other than the truth.

Surviving The Fellowship

Someone said to me recently that we alcoholics not only need to survive alcoholism but then we must survive the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

People in the fellowship, although most are seeking a spiritual solution, are not the most mentally stable and healthy people on the planet.

AA is a small world even in the big city where I live. So the problem is when someone screws over someone else in the program, people know about it.

Then when a person who has caused wreckage and harm to another happens to end up speaking at a meeting and is clearly dishonest about their account on things that have happened between them and others, there are many who happen to be sitting in the meeting that know the truth.

It’s hard to hide these things in the fellowship.

This is one of the main reasons that I keep my side of the street clean and conduct myself with integrity.

I know I need this fellowship to survive and I would always want to respect it and those in it so that I not only know that I am being a good person but also so that I know I am respected by others that I have constant contact with.

As for other people in the program, well they have their own journey and will learn by experience how to act and what kind of life they want to live.

That is not up to me.

My part is taking care of myself.

Why Do Some Get And Stay Sober?

No two human experiences are ever the same. There can similarities but really everyone has their own journey maybe only understood by the one having it.

As far as drug addicts and alcoholics, the mystery is how some people get sober young, some old or some never.

Some people get sober and stay sober for their entire life and some get sober and relapse, get sober and relapse.

I can’t even fully answer the question of my own journey. I often wonder what it was about me that just couldn’t get it and keep it.

Even though it has been my path I don’t regret any of it.

I try not to spend too much time “figuring it out”.

Trying to “figure it out” never helped me before.

Staying present is my biggest tool for peace in my life.

What matters to me most now is what I’ve done this far to have a new and different experience with the 12 steps and with life.

I see more now than ever before.

I am more conscious than ever before.

I have more courage, faith, belief, trust, awareness, calm, peace, joy, freedom and hope than ever before.

That is what is important to me today.

Today

I am so grateful for this journey as crazy, busy, messy, and just silly as it had been at times.

The beauty is revealed to me as I take moments to sit back and just watch those around me.

Women come into my life when they have hit bottom, beat down, their lives are in turmoil and the problems are stacked high against them, yet they still can relax, have fun, laugh and be silly.

To see them just let go, maybe for the first time in their lives, if for only a few moments, and find the joy in just being totally makes everything worth it.

Everything I went through, the depths of darkness, allows me to relate to others and send a message of hope.

I can say that I have been there, I’ve experienced that and I felt like that but I’m free of it and they can be too.

Just to know that no matter what happens when they leave here, that hopefully they have felt love without any conditions attached, that I’ve done my job of loving them well, is all I can hope for.

Today has been a good day.

Reborn

Never would I have been able to predict how my life was going to turn out so far if I would’ve been asked a year ago.

A year ago I was in the darkest time of my life. I didn’t know it could get that dark.

Yet it did.

I was full of terror, hopeless and had a feeling of impending doom, as I predicted the end of my life had finally come and I could see it happening in slow motion before my eyes.

I had lost my sanity, stuck circling the drain of madness.

My 2 sons were scared of me and for me, with the rest of my family baffled as to what to do with me.

I had lost everything.

The memories and flashbacks that come of the last year are a gift, for it reminds me of where I came from and pushes me forward to seek something better.

I hope I never forget.

Today my life looks so different on the inside and outside. I have a full life with people who inspire and encourage me, an amazing career in helping others that have come from where I did and most importantly I am able to love and be loved.

I know am on the path I need to be on because everything just falls into place.

I have a purpose on this planet and my most important job is to seek and fulfill what that is.

Gratitude fills my heart for being lifted out of my old life.

I have been reborn.

9 Months of Days

Today marks nine months since I have put any mind altering substances in my body.

Nine months ago was the start of an amazing journey towards self realisation, that I never could’ve dreamt up.

I was lifted up out of darkness, when I could not do it for myself, and carried towards hope.

I didn’t make a phone call to a rehab asking for help. I didn’t want to live anymore. I had given up on myself and the world we live in. I was hopeless.

My creator had different plans for me, though I didn’t want it.

Thank God my story didn’t end in tragedy.

It’s been at times hard, messy, funny and absolutely beautiful, all wrapped up in one tremendous experience.

And it’s been my own unique experience.

Some things I’ve done I do not wish to do again.

My only regret in any situation so far is that I didn’t fear less and love more.

I would have never been able to get this far without building a connection with my creator, that I take with me into everything I do.

This has afforded me more happiness, laughter and freedom I’ve ever experience in all my life.

Being open to love without conditions and see that each spirit that walks this planet in human form is part of me and I a part of them, has been the greatest gift I’ve been given.

To everyone who has touched my heart along the way, I hold you and the things I’ve learned from you with me always.

Those who have loved me and allowed me to love you make this all worth it.

Friends and Truth

Thank god I have loving people in my life, surrounding me, that tell me the truth. They don’t co-sign on my crap and tell me what I want to hear to make me “feel better”.

They don’t hold my hand and placate me co-dependenttly.

That is not love.

They love me enough to risk me being angry by hearing the harsh truth from them.

If the ones I care about continually were to tell me that hurtful behaviour was okay, that I am right to be angry, cowardly, selfish and self centered, then my ego will grasp onto that and tell me I don’t need to change anything.

That I am justified in my actions.

I don’t need to grow towards anything better.

I am stuck.

But I choose those to surround myself with.

If I don’t really want truth and growth, I won’t allow people into my circle that won’t let me get away with selfish, ego driven behaviour.

If I stay stuck I do not grow.

I suffer.

And most of all harm myself.

“Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, DEPEND upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.” Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous