Release and Surrender

I can feel the release in my body when surrender comes.

It’s like I don’t even know how much has actually built up until the point that I finally let go.

I release my reality to God, to the universe.

Tears normally come and I say “God please help me. Help to know and follow your will for me. Whatever that may be or whatever that looks like, give me the strength and courage to follow you in times where I feel powerless, lost and tired of trying to do it on my own.”

My shoulders drop and I plead with complete and utter humility.

When the surrender comes, then there can be recovery, in any area of my life.

Room is made for a new power to flow in, the power of God I allow to channel through me.

In those moments, I know what miracles feel like.

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Well Hello There Life!

imageI realize that as I do all these things to figure myself out…

Life is passing me by.

I operate under the belief that I have all the time in the world…

When in truth that is the lie.

It’s an excuse to hide.

I think I’m just making myself better, by analyzing my behavior and reviewing my history…

Yet without balance I am no longer really living.

There is no better version of me…

I’m just me, complete already.

As I wait and strive for perfection, the perfect job, perfect home, perfect romance…

The truth is that “perfect” only exists in my mind, the same mind that will never admit perfection even if perfection were to arrive.

Because the mind will only then want something else, something better.

The solution…

Is to go live an incredibly full and messy life, allowing it to be all what life is.

What better time than in “the now”?

When The Student Is Ready

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If we are made in God’s image, and God is everything or God is nothing, then humans are a piece of God.

Some call it “the God within”.

If our goal is to seek to know God, to feel connected, then it’s essential we strive to be close with the planet, nature, animals and…
humans.

When we are feel separate or apart from other humans, we only increase the separation from God.

The ugliness we see and fear in others is directly correlated with what we see and fear in ourselves.

Embrace and forgive yourself for the dark, for without it, we wouldn’t know light.

Without bad we wouldn’t know good.

When we can see the God in others, when we can look for the good, the beauty, the light, we can move closer into God consciousness.

Unity means we don’t do this alone, we do it together. When you ask for those you need to assist you on your journey, you will be given those guides.

It’s up to you to recognize them when they appear. It takes willingness to take the hand of those God given to you, and allow them to lead you.

Trust in God and his humble servants to not lead you astray.

Shed the old that hold you back.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

The Maze

Sometimes I catch myself wondering “What the heck is going on? I mean REALLY going on.”

Because my mind is a maze that has me running through it, trying to find my way out, when I don’t even remember how it began.

I get caught in the playing and replaying scenes from my life, over and over, analyzing what has happened, wondering where the answers lie.

I keep feeling like I am missing something, some hidden clue that will unravel this mystery. Maybe it was something someone said, a look, a tone of voice, a gesture, that reveals the truth.

Maybe it’s because I remember so little of my traumatic childhood which bothers me. My mind has me trying so hard to go back and remember.

But no matter how hard I try, the missing memories don’t come.

I am aware that I have a toxic mind, however it constantly finds new ways to trick me into falling right back into the abyss.

It was recommended to me that when I come to see that this is happening again, I remind myself of my name, my age, where I live, what day it is, what time it is, and where my feet are.

I stand planted, feet apart, in my body, and focusing on my core I imagine roots growing far and wide into the earth.

It forces me to get present where my thinking gets quiet.

Very few who have experienced trauma really recover and live happy, joyous and free.

When I hear that it reminds me that I want to be one of those who do, no matter what.

Bad Luck???

I don’t believe there is such a thing as “bad luck”. There was a time when I would use those words to describe the things that happened to me that I didn’t like, or that I labeled as “bad”.

Now I see that everything that goes on in my life is a product of something on my part.

It says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that “we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.”

I had read this line what felt like a thousand times until one day it clicked in a way it never had before.

I finally realized that though I had no control over other people’s actions, and may not have directly caused an action on someone else’s part, that if I went back far enough I could see a decision based on self that placed me in the position to be hurt. Even if that decision was as simple as seeing the signs but not walking away from harms way.

I saw that the chaos that happened in my outer life was a reflection of what was going on inside, that energetically I drew these events to me. If I had an argument, I had a part, because one person can’t argue. If I was treated poorly by someone in my life more than once, just maybe I allowed it.

Once I made a decision to not tolerate abuse, it just fell away from my life. Once I had hit a bottom with drama, it ended. Once I stopped believing in limitations, they vanished. Once I had enough of the kind of relationships that caused me pain and decided I was done settling with them, they didn’t happen any more.

They just may have been my creation, because deep down I didn’t believe I was worthy of love, so I couldn’t allow people who just wanted to love me, into my heart.

The bad news, if all this is true, is that I have no right to complain about “bad luck” because I am the cause.

The good news is that I don’t have to wait on the luck of the world to swing my way to finally be happy and free, I get to chose.

It’s up to me.

And that’s some really good news.

Teaching Angels To Fly

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In the world of recovery, as with my job and with my personal life in the program, people often come and go into my life.

I take women under my wing.

I like to say that I teach angels how to fly.

I help them put on the training wheels and give them a little push.

Some touch my heart more than others.

Instead of focusing on the painful goodbyes, I focus on the beauty and light they shed in my life during the brief time I had them with me.

They each bring something unique with them and leave me with sacred memories.

One in particular is out there suffering right now and I cannot help her because the only help she needs can come from her connection with her creator.

A few days ago we were laughing and having fun being silly and then next thing I know she is lost to this disease and gone.

Every time I have the memory of the last time I saw her face flash before me in my mind, so broken and so lost, I pray for her and hope that someday she follows the light to guide her home.

I love you Liz.

It’s Not A Theory

Those of us that are sober, really sober, have an amazing internal truth detector.

When listening to people speak or share in meetings that are disingenuous we can tell.

When people speak truth we can tell.

There’s a big difference between knowing how to talk program and making people laugh, and living by spiritual principles.

A speaker in AA said recently “if you’re sitting in meetings and not working the steps, we can tell.”

It’s true.

Those of us who work the steps, who honestly look at ourselves and strive towards spiritual growth, shine like little flames.

You can see the light in people’s eyes.

There is no need for anyone to talk about it.

It’s clearly evident through the way we live it.

This spiritual way of life is not a theory.

The Truth Can Sting A Bit

Sometimes the truth stings.

Sometimes it can be a serious blow to the ego.

But like my sponsor has taught me, nothing bad can ever happen from the truth.

Nothing can ever be wrong with being really real and just putting it out there.

That is what I’ve started to do in a safe anonymous space which is my blog.

Most do not live in truth, they dance around it, cover it up, avoid it, deny it, anything other than to face it.

I am now compelled to live in nothing other than the truth.

Firmly Planted On The Ground

Today I was reading in my morning meditation book about God wanting our heads in the clouds with God but our feet planted firmly on the ground because this is where our work is to be done.

I think all of me was floating in the clouds for most of the first year of my sobriety and I did not want to come down and firmly live as a human on earth.

It was a beautiful experience that I cherish.

However, no matter how much I didn’t want to connect to my human side and come down, it happened anyway.

It feels like I came down hard.

Even though it feels uncomfortable and terribly painful, it is the touchstone of growth.

I heard a song lyric the other day that comforts me and it says, “even the best fall down sometimes”.

I don’t have to be perfect, I am already perfectly perfect just how I am.

If I am to be who God wants me to be and do God’s work then it must be here on earth, connected fully with mind, body and spirit.

This is the new part of my journey and I must remember that I am never alone in this.

God is all around me in every moment, with every breath I take and with every step I make, no matter where I go.

Honoring This Gift

In this period of completing a year sober, I look back on all the people who had at one point been on this journey with me but did not make it.

They have just fallen away from my life, usually back into drugs and alcohol.

I often wonder why me?

I constantly ask God what is it that I’m meant to do on this planet.

I must have a purpose.

Sometimes I feel solid in knowing what that is.

Sometimes I feel lost and I don’t know what God wants from me.

That’s when I’m pushed into seeking more.

At all times when I’m brought to my knees by confusion, lack of answers, loss of direction, sadness and pain, as long as I stay close to my creator, there is the other side awaiting me.

On the other side is more self knowledge, more consciousness and always there is more love.

Whatever the reasons I am still here are, above all else, I honor this gift of life and sobriety today.