If I Could Tell You I’d Say This…

I’m human and sometimes I do things that I’m not proud of. To expect, that even though I am seeking enlightenment, that I will ever not doing stupid things, is an unrealistic expectation.

I guess somewhere in me I still hold on to the belief that it is okay to intentionally hurt someone if I feel that someone intentionally hurt me. If I look back on my experience though, never has harming another solved any problems. It in fact just adds to the problem and makes things worse.

Even though I know deep down inside that the answer to all problems is more love, I don’t always make it to that perfect ideal. I have made decisions, based on self, that have deeply harmed others. I cannot go back and undo what I’ve done but I can learn from those experiences and strive towards something better.

I can choose to not cause anymore harm to those around me.

I can ask those I’ve harmed if there is anything I can do to make it right.

There are those who I have held emotionally hostage with resentments about things that have happened in the recent past. I have blamed others for my own incompleteness, insecurities and unhappiness. Pointing the finger at others I have said, “You did this to me”, playing the victim.

As a result of that belief, I chose to harm someone I have loved and respected, by using what I know about their weaknesses specifically to hit them where I knew it would hurt.

I knew it would be an effective way to get to this person.

And it worked.

I not only harmed them, I harmed myself.

Because I’ve had to live with it.

The reality is that nothing was done to me. Things unfolded the way they were supposed to in God’s order, and yes, I just happened to be in the story.

But I have let go of any blame. I have made peace with the story, understanding that it has all happened exactly the way it should’ve and I trust in that.

I am no longer angry or resentful, no longer do I believe their was fault to be found, no longer am I using these experiences as the cause of my my own issues.

I am happy and complete today. My life is good. Actually it is really good. I wish I could let this person know all this.

I wish I could tell them that I forgive them for everything.

This person is not speaking to me and it’s understandable.

But if I could talk to them, I would tell them that I wish for them to be happy, fulfilled and free in whatever way that looks for them. I wish for them everything I wish for myself.

I would say that they don’t need to worry about me at all, because I am great, better than great.

I would say go and be happy and know that there is always at least one person out there that loves them unconditionally, no matter what, with or without me, speaking or not speaking, forever apart or together, silently cheering them on in everything they do.

And that person is me.

To Amend

I regret ever making you feel

Not good enough

Not smart enough

Unloved

Un-evolved

Untrustworthy

Hurt

Upset

Sad

Attacked

Not special enough

Not worth it

Judged in any way.

It is my intention to not repeat this behavior.

Are there any other ways I have harmed you for which I am unaware?

What can I do to make it right?

Amends to self

My intention is to not repeat the same behaviours, at least not consciously.

This is a commitment I make to myself as part of my living amends to myself.

I commit to speaking my truth no matter what the consequences.

I commit to not avoiding pain, love, conflict or difficulties but to meet them head on.

I commit to not running when things get to be uncomfortable, especially from those who are important to me.

I commit to rigorous honesty, with myself and others.

I commit to loving others without conditions, whether or not I understand their words, feelings or actions and especially when these words, feelings or actions personally affect me.

I commit to honouring other human being’s feelings, because as Pat Allen says, “Feelings are not negotiable.”

I promise not to withhold my love of others out of punishment, not to shut others out, hurt others intentionally or manipulate situations and people for my own selfish ends.

I promise to understand rather than seek to be understood, to comfort rather than seek to be comforted and to love rather than seek to be loved.

This is self love.

This is working a program.

Causing Harm To Others

As I am about to attempt to set right harm I have caused others I came across the name of someone I spent a good amount of time with before things got really, really bad.

She was someone who I knew had strong feelings for me. I think I was vaguely aware of what my motivation was at the time but self was so strong that I was only seeking for what I needed and thought very little about how I was affecting her. She was a coworker and even though I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea to cross that boundary, I did it anyway.

Now I can see that I spent time with her because she thought I was so wonderful. I didn’t want to be alone. It felt really good. Even though I knew I just didn’t feel the same, I hoped the feelings would develop.

Wouldn’t it be perfect if I fell for someone who thought I was so amazing for once?

We hung out all the time and had a lot of fun. She would tell me about how her vision boards changed her life and how focus on putting positivity into the world came back to her. She was a huge light in the darkness I had lived in.

The problems came when the feelings didn’t follow. I think I knew somewhere inside they never would. So the longer we hung out the worse it got because she wanted something from me that I couldn’t give. I pushed away from her, using excuses that it was what she had done or not done.

I didn’t stop to think that she could feel and experience that I didn’t feel the same. She wasn’t going to walk away though. It caused her to suffer.

It turned out to eventually end in a painful way for her. I walked away with a huge resentment. Ironically, she took my job after I was let go.

What I could’ve done if I wasn’t so afraid and self centred was to be truthful with her when I knew I was never going to be in a place where I would feel the same. I could’ve freed her and allowed her to find what she was looking for.

Was I really doing her a favour by not speaking my truth? Was I really trying not to hurt her or was it all about me and what I needed?

I know now it was about me and what I needed, nothing to do with her. I caused her much more pain by not telling her the truth the moment I knew. She deserved the truth and to continue her journey without me. And what she must have been feeling knowing the truth but still waiting for me to just say it must have been awful.

It is the subtle ways I caused harm that can go unnoticed if I am not thorough.

The hope in this is that now that I am conscious of my behaviour, I can’t change the past but I can work on how I affect others, starting now.