Army

My spiritual guide suggested that each day, when I do something I regularly do throughout the day, I spend a few moments with God. She said just be with God for a little while all through the day.

I decided that when I’m driving alone, which I do quite a bit, I would listen to this song and imagine the lyrics are about me and God and just be with him.

This is my song.

And it’s working.

Army

 

Advertisements

Wide Open

My heart is wide open, flowing, like silk curtains blowing in the breeze through a patio door in the summer time.

I feel so much that it fills me up and shines through every cell of my body.

This life is full of wondrous beauty in moments of perfection when I know I am alive and I know exactly what being alive means.

The song of birds chirping in the trees, wind on my face, caressing my arms, as the sun kisses every thing it touches, this is when with feet planted firmly on the ground, I am one with consciousness.

This is connection.

First Thing’s First

The problem of being stuck in self was the root of all my problems.

When I all I think about is how I am going to manage in this world, how I am going to have money, security, a career, friends, lovers, having fun, safety and everything else I can obsess about, the result is misery.

For me everything goes back to the relationship I have with my creator. If I trust this thing, if I believe it is always by my side, guiding and protecting me, then I have much less fear about life and my place in it.

I have surrendered to the fact that I am here to do the will of my creator first and not my own.

That doesn’t mean I don’t get to have an amazing life. In fact the more I put others first and serve my creator and humanity, the more my life steadily improves.

It sometimes feels like getting out of self is against my natural inclination. However it is only my ego that fights it, not the ultimate nature of my being.

I just continually do all I can to keep the gift of my awakening alive and take actions to not slip backwards into unconsciousness.

It works, it really does.

What’s In A Bottom?

Spiritual lessons come in all shapes and sizes, in all areas of life. So do bottoms. The problem with bottoms is that you may think you’re already there and then you go back just to find a new, lower bottom.

In my experience, I don’t really know I’m done with something until some time passes. I may be done for a short time because of the sting of my ego being bruised but then I go back for more.

Inevitably comes a time in every painful situation where the suffering out ways the benefits and therein lies a bottom.

Time away brings clarity. When emotionally removed from a situation I am able to see the truth I couldn’t see while in it.

The real lessons start to be revealed.

What do I really want? Why was I so willing to settle for less than everything I know is possible? Why couldn’t I just let go until now? What was it that drove my actions?

These are valuable questions that, if asked, are surely answered.

Being open to find the answers takes a lot of humility.

The hope is that I don’t keep finding myself in the same situations and expecting different results.

If I really trust in a power that is all loving and wants the best for me then I can let go and trust that if I move on from situations that no longer serve me, there are tremendous gifts on the other side.

The gift in bottoms that seem so sad and tragic at the time, is the growth we can attain, the self knowledge that is possible and faith in a better tomorrow in all things.

It’s only when I believe I deserve better that I attain better.

Today I surrender all to God and love myself enough to allow God to work in my life.

I just let go.

Seeing through the soul

My eyes have been opened to the truth

But this sight is not through my eyes

It is through my soul that I truly see

I will never understand why it happened now

Why it happened to me

Not before nor after this moment in time

I only know that I have woke from a dream

The dream I thought was real until now

A light switch flicked on

Bright and burning for the whole world to see

No longer am I separate, different and alone

God is in me

I just was not awake to this fact

If I walked the earth with no person by my side

For the rest of whatever human life I have left

This temporary journey

I would never be alone

I have everything I need already within me

I always have but have failed to see

That this power of ultimate and unconditional love

Has already shown to itself to be

Working miracles big and small

This way it has always been

Only if I pay attention to not miss them

I am aware of the beauty of what lies around me

In each spirit that roams this lifetime

I finally know the potential for what is to come

In all things

And for this reason I carry the flame of hope

 

 

Power of trust

How quickly I can forget how bad the road was that led me to my bottom. I can forget all kinds of things pretty quickly. If only my last bottom was enough to motivate me to continuously grow spiritually and protect myself from sliding back to a road that eventually leads to relapse.

The problem with relapse, and I’ve experienced it too many times, is that I can’t see it coming until it’s usually too late. Nothing anyone says gets through to me because I am by then, blocked from God and the ways in which God speaks to me through others.

If I go back further, I have lost my willingness to take action that can lift me out of my suffering.

Back even further than that, I have lost my connection, faith and trust in God.

Or maybe I never had it to begin with.

The most important factor for me this time is that I have a concept of God that I can trust with every aspect of my life. I must always put serving God first, or I have nothing.

I spent a lot of time coming to terms with what I figured a concept I could trust would be, just to begin with. And since then, with just a beginning, that concept is constantly changing and evolving.

I can’t give up trying to manage and control the world unless I believe there is something far more capable than me already doing so, with my and everyone else’s best interests at heart.

I can’t let go of one thing without the faith of something far better, if I have no faith that things are removed from me for a good reason.

If I stay on this road of faith, even through what appears to be the worst of times, there is always something better. All I have to do is look back on my life to see why things had to happen the way they did, to bring me to the beauty of today.

If I really take a good look around me, with the vision of gratitude, life is pretty terrific today, just as it is.

I am constantly reminded that living a spiritual path takes effort in the day I’m in.  Amazingly enough, when I am consumed by problems, taking the focus off the problems and focusing on my spiritual maintenance makes all the problems fall away.

Focusing on how I can replace fear, anger, judgement, guilt and shame, with love for myself and others changes everything. For a girl like me, starting my day with a spiritual reading, followed by prayer and meditation, is a necessity.

I can only shift from starting my day driven by ego to allowing spirit to guide me by plugging into to my power source which is God.

I laid in bed for 20 minutes this morning after waking, trying so hard to fall back asleep, instead of just getting up when my body woke me.  During those 20 minutes, I got a good look at my alcoholism.  My mind just was waiting for me to wake up so it could start shouting at me. Thoughts came of the days before, past judgements on myself, what could happen in the future, what could go wrong and I was having conversations with people in my mind that I wished I could have had differently.

Thoughts circled in my mind round and round until I just had to get up and connect with God. I asked for help to be loving, kind and gentle with myself and others.  I sat with a girl who I am guiding through this journey as well and helped her through conversation and direction.

We had an amazing conversation and connected through our similar experiences.  Getting out of self, I felt a calm and peace.

Being loving, giving of myself and sharing the solution to suffering is true fulfillment.

Love is the answer to all my problems today.

I can only connected with God in the present moment.

I must slow down to be present.

I find peace and love only by grounding myself in the now.

Power of Conscious Contact

The longest period of sobriety I had before I relapsed yet again, was a gift. I believe it gave me a taste of what life could be like in Alcoholics Anonymous, abstaining from mind altering substances and a glimpse of the existence of God.

Just believing that God existed was not enough, for me. I couldn’t completely surrender to a God I didn’t trust. Therefore I still felt that I had to control life and people around me to feel okay.

I had heard people say that God is love, but I didn’t believe it.

I heard people say that I could find the voice of God inside of me, but I didn’t believe it.

Without realizing it, I made people my higher power. I was always asking my sponsor what to do when I had a crisis. She would tell me what to do. Sometimes I did it, sometimes I didn’t.

What happened was when I didn’t follow her “advice” I felt guilt and shame and started hiding things from her. Without building a conscious contact with God to find the answer within myself, I would ask other people what they thought and pick and choose who else’s advice I might listen to.

This was very confusing.

I never stopped to think that if I knew nothing of how God worked because I was not God, how would anyone else know? How could a human tell me what I should do when they weren’t God either?

Now sober again, the direction I have been given is purely towards a spiritual solution and the steps to get closer to God. The things that are suggested I do by my sponsor are to work the steps to find answers within myself.

This has given me a new way of life. I have a new power to navigate through life. I am not dependent on others to find my way. I can hear my fellow humans in a different way, listening for God in what they say instead of feeling pressured to do what others think I should do.

I know that no matter how much I understand what the voice inside of me says, which is my intuition, or how strong my knowing is for myself, I can’t pretend to know what it would say for other people. So how could I ever carry judgement or tell anyone else what they should do?

I know I needed every second of my past, especially the pain, to get me to today. I needed a bottom and a surrender.

I am forever grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It brought me to God and gave me a new life.