There Are No Victims

The second biggest lie you keep telling yourself is that you are a victim.

No one did anything to you.

You have masterfully created everything in your life.

You created all the pain.

You created the loss.

It’s all because of the first lie you tell yourself.

The lie that has caused your whole story and created all the characters in it.

The lie that has removed all the good that has ever entered your world.

That lie is that you are are not deserving of unconditional love.

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Tears In The Background

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My latest lesson has been uncovering the truth about the pain that has been unacknowledged by me, over the separation from my children the past 2 years. I have been unwilling to look at it and let it in, so therefore it has been just haunting me.

In my eyes, under every smile, every laugh, has been a sign of mourning and sadness. No matter what I do, it’s there.

There are times when I understand that this is my life. There are times when I know that my children have their own autonomous path that may or may not include me daily.

I trust God.

Yet there are most times when my heavy heart aches because they aren’t near.

Tears aren’t far from my eyes at any given moment.

I want to find freedom from this suffering so I wrote a letter to God about this recently and went over it with my spiritual guide. We talked about how to get into solution concerning this pain.

We talked about loving my clients the way I would love my kids. Giving the women I care for the same love I express with my children. Because in all reality they are no different than my kids. If I wasn’t the mom in this story, would I believe they deserved any less love than my boys?

Loving my clients, or anyone in my life, is loving my children. When I love others I am helping make the planet a better place for my kids. We are all connected.

For some reason this helps relieve my suffering.

When I can see everyone as “one life” then the way I act to different people is exactly the same. Ego is the only thing that causes me to act differently depending on who is in front of me.

Ego is what is suffering from being apart from my boys.

I want to live in spirit.

I want to be the mom God intended me to be.

The Maze

Sometimes I catch myself wondering “What the heck is going on? I mean REALLY going on.”

Because my mind is a maze that has me running through it, trying to find my way out, when I don’t even remember how it began.

I get caught in the playing and replaying scenes from my life, over and over, analyzing what has happened, wondering where the answers lie.

I keep feeling like I am missing something, some hidden clue that will unravel this mystery. Maybe it was something someone said, a look, a tone of voice, a gesture, that reveals the truth.

Maybe it’s because I remember so little of my traumatic childhood which bothers me. My mind has me trying so hard to go back and remember.

But no matter how hard I try, the missing memories don’t come.

I am aware that I have a toxic mind, however it constantly finds new ways to trick me into falling right back into the abyss.

It was recommended to me that when I come to see that this is happening again, I remind myself of my name, my age, where I live, what day it is, what time it is, and where my feet are.

I stand planted, feet apart, in my body, and focusing on my core I imagine roots growing far and wide into the earth.

It forces me to get present where my thinking gets quiet.

Very few who have experienced trauma really recover and live happy, joyous and free.

When I hear that it reminds me that I want to be one of those who do, no matter what.

Friendship

The truth is that what I miss the most, is the friendship we had.

Like when something great or something terrible happened, you were the first one I wanted to call.

I wanted to share the things I learned with you, because I knew you would always understand exactly what I was saying, like we spoke the same language.

I wanted to teach you the things I was taught.

Most of the time when I couldn’t put the things I wanted to say into words, I didn’t need to, because you always got it, just by the look in my eyes or the unspoken feeling expressed all over my face.

You would look at me and I knew it made sense to you.

I knew you would recognize the significance in the things we shared, that you shared the same passion for truth as I did.

The friendship I valued got overshadowed by worldly desires, complications, distractions and people that wanted to pull us apart.

Fear, selfishness, ambitions, pride and all things of ego destroyed the beauty that was not of this world, until there was nothing left but shreds of something unrecognizable.

And the rest of the story, as the story always goes on, is unwritten.

But my hope is that what is unwritten, is something not of darkness anymore, but that it is of the light.

Because there is always room for hope.

Always.

The Puzzle

Can I tell you a story?

It’s about a girl who came into this world with the purpose of remembering what she was here to do.

She came from a different dimension, another world and
chose this life, these parents, this place, to fulfill a destiny.

She yearned to know the experience of what it is like to be human.

As time went on, instead of remembering that she came from her loving creator and was also equally was a part of it, therefore possessed the ability to create anything she could dream up, she just forgot more and more.

The feeling of separation from her creator grew and grew as a result of this human character that her ego created, in an effort to protect her from things that happened to her.

She suffered on this earth for a long time until she could no longer stand the suffering.

She thought she wanted to die but in reality it was her soul wishing for the death of her ego.

Eventually her ego cracked just enough to allow an awakening to occur.

Suddenly she saw the world in a different light.

She started to remember.

An outstanding idea presented itself that she could end her suffering, that she could just stop resisting.

Like a child with her nose pressed up against a puzzle, therefore not even noticing that it is in fact a puzzle, she could not see that the puzzle pieces created a whole entire image.

As she backed away from the puzzle a breathtaking image appeared.

Another idea came to her.

Even though at close range she could see how the pieces fit together so perfectly, so effortlessly, just maybe there was more to see, like a puzzle inside of a piece of a much larger puzzle.

One she might never be able to back away from enough to see the whole of it.

And that was okay with her.

She was okay with not seeing, not knowing it all because there was something else that could, the designer of it all.

If something could create such a perfect image, she might be able to trust that thing.

That was the beginning of this girl letting go.

The Truth Can Sting A Bit

Sometimes the truth stings.

Sometimes it can be a serious blow to the ego.

But like my sponsor has taught me, nothing bad can ever happen from the truth.

Nothing can ever be wrong with being really real and just putting it out there.

That is what I’ve started to do in a safe anonymous space which is my blog.

Most do not live in truth, they dance around it, cover it up, avoid it, deny it, anything other than to face it.

I am now compelled to live in nothing other than the truth.

Safe And Protected

The universe always has answers all around me, all the time, to all my questions if I just open my eyes to them.

It’s like these flashing signs screaming for my attention.

When my ego is loud and I’m caught up in expectations, resistance, and personal desires, I can’t see what’s right in front of me.

The more I try to “figure things out” with thinking, the less chance I have to be connected to the answers within.

The answers will not come from my thinking.

Times of quiet meditation, just slowing down altogether and being present, is necessary for knowing which direction to go and what path to take.

In times of indecision, although it’s taken practice and I’m never perfect, I have made progress on not reacting but just waiting until I’m sure of what action to take.

When answers become clear that’s when I need courage.

Courage enables me to step out from fear and into faith and trust, that God has my back no matter what, and I then I can follow what I know to be true.

I feel the power flow through me from a strengthened connection with God when I do this and feel the presence of God all around me.

I feel safe.

Help Me God

God help me forgive the man who stole my phone today.

A phone I had for less than a month, after losing my last one to a wave at the ocean.

He doesn’t see that by harming another he is really harming himself.

Help me let go of the anger, frustration and sadness felt from the senseless act at the hands of another.

It’s just a phone, contact numbers, pictures and writings.

It just happened a few weeks ago and I dealt with it then.

I can do it again.

It’s not really about the stolen phone though.

It triggered things much deeper, like these surface things always do.

It was just the wind that blew down my house of cards.

Help me let go of the violation I feel by this latest loss.

Thank you for helping me not stay a victim but have another experience of taking my power back.

Help me to accept this and learn what I must learn from this experience and not loose faith in human beings.

Thank you for keeping me in the light and allowing me the willingness to not stay in the darkness.

I cannot do this on my own.

I need your help.

Comfort me.

Be with me.

Keep me safe.

I trust in your will.

Judgement

Judgement is pervasive, sneaky and infiltrates every aspect of my thinking.

It separates me from God’s will, my truth and other humans.

Just when I think I am not in judgement of myself, it pops up in another form or area of my life.

If I do not remain present and aligned with my spirit, I constantly find myself judging my thoughts, feelings and experience.

Judgement will say:

I shouldn’t have done this.

I shouldn’t feel this way.

I shouldn’t think these thoughts.

I should be farther along than I am.

I made yet another mistake.

I don’t have enough.

I’m not enough.

When in truth there is no should or shouldn’t. There is no right or wrong.

There are no mistakes in God’s world.

That includes anything I say, think or do.

I am not supposed to see the whole picture, the end result, the intricacies of this divine plan.

I need to be where I am to get to where I am going.

I can’t build a skyscraper without the first brick.

God says I am enough, worthy, beautiful, perfect and right where I am supposed to be.

Nothing I could do could ever be wrong.

I have turned absolutely everything over to this power I do not understand yet experience every day.

My only concern is, have I loved those right in front of me the best I could?

If I’ve done that, my soul can rest peacefully.

Surrender and Clarity

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After every period of suffering, resistance and pain lies the rainbow of clarity, if only I look up from the ground to the sky to see it.

The path to awakening, for this girl, consists of constant shifts in perspective. Often times I get stuck in a way of perceiving the world around me that is not based in truth.

I don’t even know it’s happening.

It sneaks up on me and I can’t see it, because the more my spirit evolves, so does my ego. It has to because of the laws of the universe, the yin and the yang or Einstein’s theory of relativity.

The more evolved the soul, the more evolved the ego.

My ego (basically everything that comes from my thinking) is always evolving and changing as I do, finding new ways to infiltrate, override and confuse what my soul knows.

It is not my friend.

The “problem” if there is such a thing, is not in what is, no matter what is happening around me, but always lies in my perception of what is.

So I go to my spiritual teacher to help me see what sometimes I cannot, someone who tells me the truth. Though my ego will try fight, deny or rationalize, my soul hears it. As long as I have one thing on my side, my ego cannot win.

That indispensable thing is willingness.

Willingness allows me to hear her and to have the other things on my side that save me being owned by my mind. Those things are honesty, humility and open mindedness.

I have a chance, with all these gifts, to move towards clarity, truth and freedom.

And freedom from being chained by anything or anyone, is what I’ve always sought.

Someone said to me recently that after a tough time and then major surrender, they set out to make God their everything, to get everything they had realized they were still seeking in the outside world from God.

When they did that, a transformation occurred, bringing amazing freedom and gifts like none other.

When they said that, my soul heard it.

And now that has been my new intention.