The Puzzle

Can I tell you a story?

It’s about a girl who came into this world with the purpose of remembering what she was here to do.

She came from a different dimension, another world and
chose this life, these parents, this place, to fulfill a destiny.

She yearned to know the experience of what it is like to be human.

As time went on, instead of remembering where and from whom she came from and was also equally was a part of it, therefore possessed the ability to create anything she could dream up, she just forgot more and more.

The feeling of separation from where she came from grew and grew as a result of this human character that she created, in an effort to protect her from things that happened to her.

She suffered greatly on this earth for a long time until she could no longer stand the suffering.

She thought she wanted to die but in reality it was her soul wishing for the death of the human part of her.

Eventually that human part cracked just enough to allow an awakening to occur.

Suddenly she saw the world in a different light.

She started to remember.

An outstanding idea presented itself. She could end her suffering, she could just stop resisting.

Like a child with her nose pressed up against a puzzle, therefore not even noticing that it is in fact a puzzle, she could not see that the puzzle pieces created a whole entire image. The pieces being everything that has happened in and around her in her life, and in this world.

As she backed away from the puzzle a breathtaking image of perfection appeared.

Another idea came to her.

Even though at close range she could see how the pieces fit together so perfectly, so effortlessly, just maybe there was more to see, like a puzzle inside of a piece of a much larger puzzle.

A puzzle so large that she might never be able to back away from it enough to see the whole of it.

And for once, that was okay with her.

She was okay with not seeing it all, not knowing it all because there was clearly a divine plan that could, made by the ultimate designer of it all.

If something beyond her comprehension could create such a perfect and beautiful plan, maybe, she just might, be able to place her trust in that. Like allowing yourself to fall into a net that was built to hold you up, and resting in the comfort of the safety of that net.

It was then that stopped resisting.

That was the beginning of this girl letting go.

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Facing The Hard Stuff

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As I sit on my wooden patio, the warm morning sun shining down on my face, in my favorite patio chair working on a writing assignment as part of my step 12, I am consumed by the past.

Something I try daily to avoid thinking about, as much as I try to keep it away and pretend I have no past, it’s still there.

I go through periods where I am able to be present, where I know that today I am safe, I am okay.

Then it oozes in through the cracks.

Something someone says will remind me of what happened and I realize I am not over it yet. I think I have worked through a specific resentment or fear but it pops back up like that Whack A Mole game.

As much as I want complete freedom from being affected by my past, I cannot attain it by avoidance.

I must face these events, beliefs and fears, leaning into them so that I can rewrite the story I tell myself and gain clarity.

Though I know the freedom I gain from looking at these feelings and areas that cause me pain, there’s this part of me that feels like I will break in two if I allow myself to really feel the feelings attached to my past.

The reason why I sit here on my patio in the fresh air and morning sun today, though this work is not my idea of fun, writing about the things about my life that still affect me and facing my fears, is so I can read it to someone, gain an outside perspective and ask God to remove these things from me so I can be free today.

Again my goal is to be present today.

To enjoy the moments of this precious life and find peace is what I’m seeking.

I chase it the way I chased drugs and alcohol.

I’m seeking freedom.

To enjoy the moments of this precious life and find peace is what I’m seeking.

I’m seeking freedom.

Sun Beams

As the clouds part, sun rays peak out from behind and beam down from the sky up above

Beams of light reflecting off the tiny particles of moisture in the air

When this happens, it reminds me that so much of what is real cannot be seen with the eyes

Whenever I notice this occurrence, I think of God

That God is always there in the air surrounding me, even touching my skin like the tiny water particles

Only I can’t see it

But if I’m quiet enough, still enough and aware enough

I can feel it

Sometimes it’s more pronounced, like a droplet of rain bouncing off my nose or catching me on my eyelashes

Sometimes it’s as subtle as misty morning air brushing by my cheeks

But when the clouds move in and the sun rays vanish into grey skies

Always

And especially when I forget it

God is there with me

Acting Out Of Love

I will slow down, choose my thoughts, words and actions carefully, making sure that all of these are coming from a place of love instead of fear.

I never want to live from a place of fear again.

When I am acting out of fear it comes from a place of darkness and it creates havoc and discontent in my life.

When I am acting out of love then my life enfolds in beautiful harmony and I am on the path drawing nearer to my creator.

Don’t Forget, It’s Simple

As I have grown and awakened to truth throughout this life’s journey, as much I have learned, what I know about myself today is that I can easily forget everything.

I can shut myself off from God in a second, stop doing what I have been doing that works and then instead of being driven by spirit, I am driven by ego.

I become closed, ego prevents me from hearing truth and the downward spiral occurs.

Instead of standing in the light with my fellows, I end up standing in darkness alone.

The good news is as soon as I become wiling and open to listen, I again remember why I’m here, what my purpose is and what is really important, like being awakened from a bad dream.

There is no past, no future, just now.

I am not this body nor this character in my story.

I’m not here to for the career, the money, the things, the partner, the friends, the kids, the family or any acknowledgement I may seek to gain from these things.

The main thing that remains constant, the truth I always come back to from all this, is that my only job here on the planet is to love and embody love.

It seems too simple to be true.

It is entirely that simple.

But that’s it.

It’s all about love.

Safe And Protected

The universe always has answers all around me, all the time, to all my questions if I just open my eyes to them.

It’s like these flashing signs screaming for my attention.

When my ego is loud and I’m caught up in expectations, resistance, and personal desires, I can’t see what’s right in front of me.

The more I try to “figure things out” with thinking, the less chance I have to be connected to the answers within.

The answers will not come from my thinking.

Times of quiet meditation, just slowing down altogether and being present, is necessary for knowing which direction to go and what path to take.

In times of indecision, although it’s taken practice and I’m never perfect, I have made progress on not reacting but just waiting until I’m sure of what action to take.

When answers become clear that’s when I need courage.

Courage enables me to step out from fear and into faith and trust, that God has my back no matter what, and I then I can follow what I know to be true.

I feel the power flow through me from a strengthened connection with God when I do this and feel the presence of God all around me.

I feel safe.

Honoring This Gift

In this period of completing a year sober, I look back on all the people who had at one point been on this journey with me but did not make it.

They have just fallen away from my life, usually back into drugs and alcohol.

I often wonder why me?

I constantly ask God what is it that I’m meant to do on this planet.

I must have a purpose.

Sometimes I feel solid in knowing what that is.

Sometimes I feel lost and I don’t know what God wants from me.

That’s when I’m pushed into seeking more.

At all times when I’m brought to my knees by confusion, lack of answers, loss of direction, sadness and pain, as long as I stay close to my creator, there is the other side awaiting me.

On the other side is more self knowledge, more consciousness and always there is more love.

Whatever the reasons I am still here are, above all else, I honor this gift of life and sobriety today.

1 Year and 1 Day Sober

Yesterday I turned one year sober. I started to write this on the actual day but couldn’t finish it because my day was so full of love, joy, emotion and amazing experiences.

I can’t even seem to put into words all that I am feeling.

To know the change that has occurred in me, to be able to see the woman I have become, to feel my heart full of gratitude for the life I know I have today because of God’s grace and the willingness to allow God to work through me, is something indescribable.

It’s never been about just not using drugs and drinking for me this time.

It’s not been about counting the days behind me that I have collected abstinent from substances that alter me.

It’s been about seeking a relationship with and connecting to this all knowing, all loving creator of everything and everyone.

It’s been about spiritual growth.

It’s been about my soul’s evolution and experiencing a freedom like I’ve never known.

The gift of willingness I have been granted, that you can’t buy or sell, has been graced upon me for what reason I do not know, but I hope to always keep, and has transformed me into the person that God intended me to be.

Today that’s more than enough for me.

Change

Even though I’m always resistant to change, any kind of change whether I’ve labeled it good or bad, it always contains growth.

Most of the time, even if where I’m at isn’t even what I truly want, I would rather stay right where I am rather than initiate or welcome change.

It’s funny.

I look back at all my experiences, I can finally see how each moment, each piece of my life, has been valuable to my journey today.

All change has pushed and challenged me to grow as human being.

Still though, my first response to any type of change is fear.

Then a calm comes over me as I remember that I gave up resisting and turned my will and life over to something I ultimately trust with everything.

There is no need to fear change or anything else because the universe is always guiding me and showing me the way to a better existence.

Today I will welcome change and be fearless in the face of new experiences.

Unconditional Love

I will never feel the love I’ve been looking for by seeking to get it from others. It is by giving love that I feel love.

In the phrase giving love, it hints that it is a verb, an action, not a thing or noun.

Love is in the commitment to the action of being loving.

What that looks like for me is showing up when I say I will, teaching others what I’ve come to know, telling the truth whether someone wants it or not and not having this love be conditionally attached to people’s attitudes, actions and behaviors.

I take myself, my selfish needs and desires out of the equation and do what’s in the best interest of the other person.

Because I could never get any of the things I might be seeking from another anyway, it comes from my all loving creator.

So if I need nothing from you, if you could never take anything away from me by anything you say or do, there comes the love independent of conditions.

The closer I get to knowing this truth, not by my intellectual mind but by experience, the closer I get to feeling the oneness with my creator I have been craving my entire existence.