I have many shortcomings. One of which is being deep, about everything, all the time. It’s so hard for me to be light. To not spiral up or down about everything. I know that about myself. I scare people away with it sometimes, a lot of the time actually. It’s like with me it’s black or white. Like I can’t just let things be what they are and not think days, months or years ahead. Or I can’t not dissect every little thing and make permanent decisions based on temporary thoughts or feelings. Even after all this time of working on becoming self aware, there is still so much to learn! Someone asked me today why I completely turn my back and walk away from people I care about. She said life is short. We are only here for a minute so why would I do that? She said it seems that I can’t deal directly with people to work things out, that I avoid. It’s so true. I ask God today to relieve me of this defect and free me from my never ending stream of thoughts, opinions and fears, so that I may have a different experience on the planet.
One thing I’ve discovered about myself is that I have a high capacity for justification. I can invariably hurt people and not see it. I lie to myself. I always have truth deep within me, but sometimes I’m far from admitting it. If I tell myself the truth, then I have to change. And if I don’t want to change, I continue to lie to myself and blame others.
I think I’m taking the easier, softer way by not having to courage to walk away from situations that are harmful to others, but really it’s because of my own selfishness. I don’t want to leave the comfort I get from someone’s attention, someone’s love, and I stay because I don’t want to be alone.
There will always come a time when the truth finds me, and I can no longer continue to live the lie. The people around me retaliate to my actions and it’s time to do the right thing.
Sometimes the right thing means walking away, freeing others from the hold I have on them. Loving them enough to allow them to finally find what they need, when I know it’s certainly not me.
The answer is always in loving more, loving myself and others. Letting go and moving on frees me from the suffering I create.
What is my choice to be?
“I would like my life to be a statement of love and compassion–and where it isn’t, that’s where my work lies.”
― Ram Dass
Today I was reading in my morning meditation book about God wanting our heads in the clouds with God but our feet planted firmly on the ground because this is where our work is to be done.
I think all of me was floating in the clouds for most of the first year of my sobriety and I did not want to come down and firmly live as a human on earth.
It was a beautiful experience that I cherish.
However, no matter how much I didn’t want to connect to my human side and come down, it happened anyway.
It feels like I came down hard.
Even though it feels uncomfortable and terribly painful, it is the touchstone of growth.
I heard a song lyric the other day that comforts me and it says, “even the best fall down sometimes”.
I don’t have to be perfect, I am already perfectly perfect just how I am.
If I am to be who God wants me to be and do God’s work then it must be here on earth, connected fully with mind, body and spirit.
This is the new part of my journey and I must remember that I am never alone in this.
God is all around me in every moment, with every breath I take and with every step I make, no matter where I go.
The journey of learning how to navigate life here on earth as a sober, conscious and awakened human being has been challenging at times.
Now that I’ve been finally facing the things in my past that have created this character I’ve needed to create to survive on this planet and have driven my thoughts and actions my whole life, I have begun to be free of it little by little.
I wasn’t ready until my soul was ready.
With faith and trust in my creator, I am able to find clarity, make decisions and then act on them with courage.
I can decide today what it is that I want my experience here on earth to look like, and when it’s really close but not quite there, I don’t have to settle out of fear that if I don’t, I’ll never have it.
That’s been my problem my whole life. I’ve settled for almost enough respect, almost enough happiness, almost enough love, almost enough living.
Then slowly but surely the bar got lower and lower and lower until I would accept anything at all.
Finally my life and beliefs got so small that there was no room for hope.
So now I’m in the process of expanding my beliefs about what life can be, setting the bar higher and placing more and more trust in my creator.
My experience so far has amazingly been that life absolutely rises to meet me where I am.
That’s a good reason today for hope.
Today it’s raining.
As I sit out in the back yard and watch the rain drops fall, soaking the roof of the house, trees, grass and flowers, it causes me to think about how necessary the rain is for the life flow of the planet.
So it is with the human experience that times of darkness, rain, storm and suffering is necessary for our own ebb and flow of life.
In times where I could not see truth, when I didn’t understand, when I questioned everything in defiance and resistance, through the dark clouds there inevitably came the light of the sun.
With the light came surrender and then an awakening.
I always came out the other side and with more knowledge and consciousness.
No matter what happens, life does go on.
Although I prefer the upswing that happens after dark times, one can’t exist without the other.
So today I thank the universe for the lessons, for everything, so I can get closer to my creator and know myself better.
Even though I’m always resistant to change, any kind of change whether I’ve labeled it good or bad, it always contains growth.
Most of the time, even if where I’m at isn’t even what I truly want, I would rather stay right where I am rather than initiate or welcome change.
I look back at all my experiences, I can finally see how each moment, each piece of my life, has been valuable to my journey today.
All change has pushed and challenged me to grow as human being.
Still though, my first response to any type of change is fear.
Then a calm comes over me as I remember that I gave up resisting and turned my will and life over to something I ultimately trust with everything.
There is no need to fear change or anything else because the universe is always guiding me and showing me the way to a better existence.
Today I will welcome change and be fearless in the face of new experiences.
Today marks eleven months of sobriety without any mind altering substances.
Coming to believe in an all loving creator has transformed everything about me. Building a relationship with my creator, placing my life in his hands and slowly walking step by step, hand in hand with faith, has made this last eleven months the most amazing time in my life.
It has been full of triumphs and heartache. I have had moments of feeling lost and moments of bliss.
That’s the human experience.
Most of all, I finally have the solid belief that anything is possible and limits have seemed to fall away.
Continually I learn, grow and awaken.
How could I not be grateful for my life as it is today compared to how I’ve lived before this?
In times of suffering and struggle, when we perceive things as bad, wrong, or not how they should be, there are always hidden gifts to be found.
For example, when some of my past relationships had ended, I had a hard time letting go.
With each one, I held onto the pain and confusion having no idea what was behind the inability to let go.
Intellectually I knew that these relationships weren’t working.
Intellectually, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted.
What my mind was telling me was that I missed them terribly because I loved them and getting over it was just a waiting game.
It wasn’t until the last relationship ended that through finally honestly asking God for knowledge and power in this area of my life, had I been granted the gift of awareness that what I really was needing was to work on facing these painful things that were holding me back from a new level of freedom.
I wasn’t awake to the fact that while I loved these people, what I was really missing were those opportunities to loose myself in something else, using them to distract myself from, and avoid the things that at the time were too painful to deal with from within myself.
And that was when I became free of it.
It wasn’t the specific person at all.
My soul was finally ready for this deeper understanding.
My soul was ready to face these things I needed to be free from.
I never would’ve seen this while I was in it.
I thank God for the opportunity through pain and suffering for the chance to know him and myself better.