I want to live in the story that I wish to create, not someone else’s. What I mean by that a reality based on a set of belief systems drummed up by the majority of humans or specific individuals. To create a world that I can live in, that’s what is essential to my sanity and my happiness.
Every day the stories told by people about what they believe is real and stories of the world going on around me constantly attempt to pull me in. It takes daily vigilance to not get lost in the fog of it all, and come back to what I know to be real, what I know to be true.
I constantly weave in and out of clarity, going into the dream and then coming back out. Forgetting and relearning, over and over again.
In those moments, when I see everything exactly as it is, it’s like a deep breath of fresh air after holding my breath under water.
I can see people acting out their incessant patterns of insanity, and without judgement, love them and let them go to be free to live their lives as they do. I can understand them only from a deep understanding of myself when I did those things and didn’t know why. I never even thought to ask why, I just did them unconsciously.
I thought I was looking for love when I really I was looking for someone to complete me, someone to fill the void that existed while on my own, someone to hold me up, someone to fix the unhappiness.
To hold onto this awareness and not repeat old patterns, there is one important focus that remains and that is to not get drawn into the dream with others, to stay firmly planted in my reality.
When I watch people search and search for completeness in the arms of another, I am reminded of why that is not the answer for me. When I see those around me looking to fill their spiritual emptiness with someone else, someone who will never be the solution, I say to myself “Thank you God for freeing me off this need to find comfort in a person, the comfort that will only ever be found by remaining close to you.”
The journey of learning how to navigate life here on earth as a sober, conscious and awakened human being has been challenging at times.
Now that I’ve been finally facing the things in my past that have created this character I’ve needed to create to survive on this planet and have driven my thoughts and actions my whole life, I have begun to be free of it little by little.
I wasn’t ready until my soul was ready.
With faith and trust in my creator, I am able to find clarity, make decisions and then act on them with courage.
I can decide today what it is that I want my experience here on earth to look like, and when it’s really close but not quite there, I don’t have to settle out of fear that if I don’t, I’ll never have it.
That’s been my problem my whole life. I’ve settled for almost enough respect, almost enough happiness, almost enough love, almost enough living.
Then slowly but surely the bar got lower and lower and lower until I would accept anything at all.
Finally my life and beliefs got so small that there was no room for hope.
So now I’m in the process of expanding my beliefs about what life can be, setting the bar higher and placing more and more trust in my creator.
My experience so far has amazingly been that life absolutely rises to meet me where I am.
That’s a good reason today for hope.
No two human experiences are ever the same. There can similarities but really everyone has their own journey maybe only understood by the one having it.
As far as drug addicts and alcoholics, the mystery is how some people get sober young, some old or some never.
Some people get sober and stay sober for their entire life and some get sober and relapse, get sober and relapse.
I can’t even fully answer the question of my own journey. I often wonder what it was about me that just couldn’t get it and keep it.
Even though it has been my path I don’t regret any of it.
I try not to spend too much time “figuring it out”.
Trying to “figure it out” never helped me before.
Staying present is my biggest tool for peace in my life.
What matters to me most now is what I’ve done this far to have a new and different experience with the 12 steps and with life.
I see more now than ever before.
I am more conscious than ever before.
I have more courage, faith, belief, trust, awareness, calm, peace, joy, freedom and hope than ever before.
That is what is important to me today.
If it is meant to be, nothing and no one on this planet could keep you apart.
If it’s not meant to be, nothing and no one on this planet can keep you together.
Let down your tired walls
Release from holding tight
Melt into the warm embrace
Of truth, love and miracles
Forget all you know
Be free of old ideas
Trust what happens to be
Don’t be scared of now
Be all in
It’s what your spirit craves
Faith lies in the arms of love
Allow your soul happiness
Let out the light of your being
Give of yourself freely
Connect without fear
Freedom lies in this
Step into what’s real
If there is such a thing
You’ll get what you ask for
The universe is your playground
I am so blessed to have had the gift of suffering and desperation so that I could be awakened to the truth. The pain and confusion of my existence up until almost eight months ago was necessary to push me into seeking to know my creator and what I am.
My thinking mind has been in opposition to my spirit the whole time. I just haven’t been conscious to it. My mind wants to replay the past, confine me to it and create scenarios of tragedy for the future.
When in truth, I am not my past nor my future.
These are just things that have happened. But that is just a story. It is not me. When I can become aware of the thoughts coming from my mind and that they aren’t reality, I have a chance to not buy into them.
The peace I have found is by staying present and ceasing to resist everything and everyone. The flow of the universe is something that I just go along with. It’s so much easier than attempting to struggle against it.
I can only be at peace when my mind is quiet and I’m fully in the beauty of the moment. I can experience true freedom.
Though it seems that way
You are not alone
Spirit surrounds you
God is your home
The heart you buried
So deep within
Hidden behind iron walls
No sunlight can get in
Thinking you can avoid
When hiding from pain
Failing to see
That beauty lives in the rain
Pride tells lies
Holding on so tight
To a false sense of safety
When there’s no wrong or right
Open up to life
And all it’s glory
See with your soul
You are not your story
Denying what is truth
Afraid to speak
That’s when you suffer
Find courage when you’re weak
Miracles will occur
When walking through fear
Because none of it’s real
In your heart is what’s clear
You get what you give
Loving is the how
Forget past and future
I used to think I stood for something
Now looking back I really fell for anything
So attached to what others thought of me
Scared of not being okay without certain people around me
Misplaced faith only in the material world
I kept my mouth shut because of being afraid that I wouldn’t get what I needed from people I mistakenly thought I needed
I did what I was told
Deep down inside I knew truth but denying it to myself kept me spiritually sick
I tried to fit in to the false beliefs of the world
It almost killed me
Today I am grateful for clarity, willingness, humility and courage
Every step I take towards truth I feel more free
I gain experience in the fact that there is a power that wants nothing but good for me
I just need to stay connected to that creative intelligence
What I focus on I magnify
So when I focus on love, happiness and miracles
Those things grow around me
I am grateful to have the life I have today
Not because of the money I have or don’t have
Not because of the people I have in my life or don’t have
It’s all because of what I have gained within me