Insanity

It’s hard not to get swallowed up by the insanity of it all.

When life gets crazy and people get crazy, I just need to stayed firmly grounded in my center. Fear pervades these humans around me and I see all the damage it creates. Fear creates all harm on this planet. It’s the root of it all, which I equate with the darkness.

People hurt other people with the things they do and say. Respect and kindness gets lost. Anxiety increases and ripples through everyone involved. Anger and frustration rise.

Blame gets thrown in all the wrong places, though there never is a “right place” to throw it.

All I can ever do is rest in the fact that I am true to myself, that I do the best I can, that I respect those around me, and I do the right thing. I am unwilling to let the chaos suck me in. I refuse to take on the fear that others try to pass on.

I stay in love and in peace knowing that people will be okay, even when going through emotionally hard times. I always ended up okay, and so will everyone else.

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Bad Luck???

I don’t believe there is such a thing as “bad luck”. There was a time when I would use those words to describe the things that happened to me that I didn’t like, or that I labeled as “bad”.

Now I see that everything that goes on in my life is a product of something on my part.

It says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that “we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.”

I had read this line what felt like a thousand times until one day it clicked in a way it never had before.

I finally realized that though I had no control over other people’s actions, and may not have directly caused an action on someone else’s part, that if I went back far enough I could see a decision based on self that placed me in the position to be hurt. Even if that decision was as simple as seeing the signs but not walking away from harms way.

I saw that the chaos that happened in my outer life was a reflection of what was going on inside, that energetically I drew these events to me. If I had an argument, I had a part, because one person can’t argue. If I was treated poorly by someone in my life more than once, just maybe I allowed it.

Once I made a decision to not tolerate abuse, it just fell away from my life. Once I had hit a bottom with drama, it ended. Once I stopped believing in limitations, they vanished. Once I had enough of the kind of relationships that caused me pain and decided I was done settling with them, they didn’t happen any more.

They just may have been my creation, because deep down I didn’t believe I was worthy of love, so I couldn’t allow people who just wanted to love me, into my heart.

The bad news, if all this is true, is that I have no right to complain about “bad luck” because I am the cause.

The good news is that I don’t have to wait on the luck of the world to swing my way to finally be happy and free, I get to chose.

It’s up to me.

And that’s some really good news.

Surviving The Fellowship

Someone said to me recently that we alcoholics not only need to survive alcoholism but then we must survive the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

People in the fellowship, although most are seeking a spiritual solution, are not the most mentally stable and healthy people on the planet.

AA is a small world even in the big city where I live. So the problem is when someone screws over someone else in the program, people know about it.

Then when a person who has caused wreckage and harm to another happens to end up speaking at a meeting and is clearly dishonest about their account on things that have happened between them and others, there are many who happen to be sitting in the meeting that know the truth.

It’s hard to hide these things in the fellowship.

This is one of the main reasons that I keep my side of the street clean and conduct myself with integrity.

I know I need this fellowship to survive and I would always want to respect it and those in it so that I not only know that I am being a good person but also so that I know I am respected by others that I have constant contact with.

As for other people in the program, well they have their own journey and will learn by experience how to act and what kind of life they want to live.

That is not up to me.

My part is taking care of myself.

Darkness

It’s sad but there are just people in this world that honour their darkness and just can’t stand their own light.

Darkness is a cancer that spreads.

They are hurt people who continue to hurt people.

Jesus said, “forgive them for they know not what they do.”

Unconsciousness.

People who act and react based on the character created by their past, never gaining awareness of themselves or why they do what they do, create havoc in the lives of others.

What’s worse are those who have awareness of what they do but have no desire to change.

They just stay stuck in their story, their “character”.

You can do nothing to help someone who is unwilling to be helped. That’s when the job is done and it’s time to move on.

Some people just will live out their fate in darkness, living in sickness, and never grow towards anything better.

I’m sad for those people.

As sad as it is to watch, I thank God that it’s not me.

I will never be perfect.

I do however thank God that I have the gift of willingness to strive towards light and truth, that I can reach for solution.

I fight hard everyday to keep the darkness at bay.

I can lay my head down on my pillow and know if there’s no tomorrow, my soul will be at peace.

I loved and served those in front of me the best I could.

I wouldn’t want the alternative.

Thank you God for the lesson so my soul can evolve.

I got the message loud and clear.

Survive

Getting sober is not for the faint at heart. A lot of times things come up from the past. Memories of events too painful for our psyche to deal with finally surface. We have shoved these events far down in our consciousness.

Sometimes these things that happen when we are children are so traumatic that it’s like we never knew they happened to us. It feels like remembering for the first time. It’s not an easy thing to confront.

I watch as women around me just can’t move past the pain. They just can’t face these traumas and they don’t make it.  I thank God for those lessons in what I don’t want to be.

So many of us women don’t make it.

As much as I don’t want these things to have happened to me, as much as I wish it would just go away, that it wasn’t THIS specific person, it doesn’t make it not true. It doesn’t make it go away. It can’t change what has already happened.

To try avoid going through this would be a death sentence.

Why has this come up now after all these months? I wish I understood.

My spiritual guide says that the timing of these memories surfacing is no mistake, that God doesn’t reveal things to us that we are not ready to handle. She says if it comes up, it’s time.

I made a decision a long time back that if I was going to get sober again that I was going to be one of the ones who make it. I see that this can be survived. I believe it to be true.

I know there are solutions if only I reach for them. Even when paralysed with sadness, sometimes if I can just lift a finger in that direction, I can see the horizon of hope.

All I have to do is be willing to try.

Causing Harm To Others

As I am about to attempt to set right harm I have caused others I came across the name of someone I spent a good amount of time with before things got really, really bad.

She was someone who I knew had strong feelings for me. I think I was vaguely aware of what my motivation was at the time but self was so strong that I was only seeking for what I needed and thought very little about how I was affecting her. She was a coworker and even though I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea to cross that boundary, I did it anyway.

Now I can see that I spent time with her because she thought I was so wonderful. I didn’t want to be alone. It felt really good. Even though I knew I just didn’t feel the same, I hoped the feelings would develop.

Wouldn’t it be perfect if I fell for someone who thought I was so amazing for once?

We hung out all the time and had a lot of fun. She would tell me about how her vision boards changed her life and how focus on putting positivity into the world came back to her. She was a huge light in the darkness I had lived in.

The problems came when the feelings didn’t follow. I think I knew somewhere inside they never would. So the longer we hung out the worse it got because she wanted something from me that I couldn’t give. I pushed away from her, using excuses that it was what she had done or not done.

I didn’t stop to think that she could feel and experience that I didn’t feel the same. She wasn’t going to walk away though. It caused her to suffer.

It turned out to eventually end in a painful way for her. I walked away with a huge resentment. Ironically, she took my job after I was let go.

What I could’ve done if I wasn’t so afraid and self centred was to be truthful with her when I knew I was never going to be in a place where I would feel the same. I could’ve freed her and allowed her to find what she was looking for.

Was I really doing her a favour by not speaking my truth? Was I really trying not to hurt her or was it all about me and what I needed?

I know now it was about me and what I needed, nothing to do with her. I caused her much more pain by not telling her the truth the moment I knew. She deserved the truth and to continue her journey without me. And what she must have been feeling knowing the truth but still waiting for me to just say it must have been awful.

It is the subtle ways I caused harm that can go unnoticed if I am not thorough.

The hope in this is that now that I am conscious of my behaviour, I can’t change the past but I can work on how I affect others, starting now.