The God Within

Maybe God has been listening all along.

Maybe God already has placed the perfect person in my life, right in front of me, yet I just refused to see it.

Maybe I’ve already met my soul mate but I was afraid of getting everything I’ve been saying I want all along?

I say I want a partner, a lover, loyalty, love without conditions, someone who makes me better, someone who won’t leave me, yet when that person comes along I turn them away?

Maybe I really don’t want these things.

Maybe I chase those who end up leaving me because I get uncomfortable with someone who really loves me exactly the way I am?

Someone who sees into my soul and knows the very parts that make me who I am?

Someone who sees the good in me, and accepts the “not so good”.

Maybe the intimacy that kind of person brings is the one holding a mirror to myself, showing me that I’d rather chase someone who is unavailable.

How do I know that something I thought was wrong, is actually right?

How do I know that something I thought was harmful was actually the perfect thing for me?

How does one know that?

Who makes those decisions? My friends? Therapist? Sponsor? My head? My alcoholism?

Where is God in all this?

What and who do I listen to?

What would my soul have me do? What would love do? What would self love do?

Sometimes it’s hard to know which is the voice of fear and which is the voice of love.

Awakening is listening to the God within.

Ohm
Namah
Shiviah

Everything

You are the safe arms I fall into,
a warm embrace,
a passionate kiss,
a shoulder to lean on,
a knowing look,
a bright smile,
a compassionate soul,
an anchor to ground me,
a reminder of what’s real,
a consistent support,
a breath of fresh air,
a soft place for my tears to fall.

You are my hero,
my cheerleader,
my warrior,
my rock,
my love,
the truth in my heart,
words full of wisdom
and everything I could ever want.

Unlearn Everything

“We don’t need to learn anything new. We just need to unlearn everything we think we know.”

I never realized that I was going to try to just settle for an average life. Old beliefs, the ones I never even questioned or stopped to think about where they came from, kept me from believing I could go anywhere and do anything I could dream up.

My deepest dreams seemed somehow unreachable. So one by one as I grew up from being a child, I let them all go. I was told that I needed a college education to be anything, that I would have to work hard for my money (and not necessarily enjoy it), that if I didn’t get married and have children something was off with me. I believed I should find “the one” and it should last forever.

I believed that to have a powerful impact on my children, I had to be physically present with them everyday. These are just some of the beliefs that determined how I lived life. No one ever told me to just be who I felt I was meant to be. That I could just be free to be me and what everyone else is doing may not equal happiness.

My experience so far has been that anything is possible and love wins over everything else. Being loving without conditions on that love not only grants me freedom but it creates a path for the impossible to occur.

My job is not hard. It doesn’t feel like work. I get to be me. I get to be of service to amazing girls. I get the daughters I never had. I get to be around those that are walking the same path towards enlightenment that I travel.

The bond I have with my children through the love I have given and continue to give is beyond anything. I don’t have to live with them or do the things most moms do to be their hero. It’s the love that they recognize and eat up.  

It’s why my 15 year old sings me songs in the car that people have made about their moms. It’s why he tells me more than most teenage boys tell their parents. It’s why his smile and eyes shine when we are together. It’s why he feels safe with me. It’s why he proudly talks to his friends about who his mom is. It’s the reason he asks me to stay longer because it’s important to him for me to meet his girlfriend.

My love, he says, is the reason he feels encouraged to follow his truth and succeed.

Success means something totally different to me today. It doesn’t consist of a pay check, money, the car, the house, the intimate partner, the admiration of others or anything like that.

Today it means that my life is full of love and close relationships, self respect, self love, inner peace and fulfillment. It’s only been seven and a half months on this new part of my human journey and I’ve gained so much of what I always wanted but was looking in all the wrong places for.

Gratitude fills my heart and if I really take a good look at truth, I’m already exactly where I need to be.

The Change Must Come From Within

My soul aches for the lesson of you.

 

Ego seeks to control and manage against what is.

 

Glimpses of perfection hang in the air like the scent of you after your gone.

 

Brief moments of freedom when nothing mattered in the world but the two of us.

 

No clamour of the past or noise of the future.

 

My reality based on perception instead perception creating what I see.

 

Was any of it really what I believed?

 

Or was the story mine alone?

 

Wanting to make something what it will not be.

 

Sending light across time and space in hopes to heal a heart that is not mine to heal.

 

Wishing the switch to turn on the fuel to ignite your flame to burn as bright as it’s meant to be.

 

Waiting for your words and actions to mirror back at me what I feel for you.

 

Exhausted by indecision.

 

Needing to just be truly seen by you.

 

Tears fall on my pillow.

 

Wishing, wanting and needing cannot free a heart from the bondage of it’s past.

 

The change must come from within.