It’s In The Actions

What I’m left with, at the end of the day, is the relationship I have with myself and God.

I now know what it means to live this human existence by spiritual principles.

I’ve been around enough now to be able to talk about it, explain it, theorize about it and intellectually know how it works.

But when it comes down to living it, right here and right now, do I actually do these things?

Do I live with integrity and honesty?

Do I lie to myself or am I honest with myself?

Do I constantly judge myself, beating myself up for meeting the unrealistic expectations I hold myself to?

Can I forgive myself for being human today?

When someone I’m faced with affects me in a way that I don’t like, do I treat them with tolerance and patience?

Do I relax into the fact that no one can hurt me or take anything from me without my allowing it, therefore allowing people to just be who they are with the security of knowing that I’m okay no matter what?

When things don’t go my way, do I get angry and frustrated, trying to manipulate and control people?

Do I accept those in my life for who they are and can I look for the good in everyone?

Is my love conditional?

Have I said what I need to say today, would my soul be at peace if I had no tomorrow?

Do I live in fear of not getting what I want and is what I think I need to be okay lie in the material world?

Or do I live in a world where things of importance or the things you can’t see, like inner peace, joy, love without conditions and freedom?

Do I focus on what I can give rather than what I can take?

These are some of the questions I ask myself daily to remind myself that I cannot intellectualize my way into freedom.

Freedom lies in the actions I take in the present moment.

Freedom lies in right now.

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Unconditional Love

I will never feel the love I’ve been looking for by seeking to get it from others. It is by giving love that I feel love.

In the phrase giving love, it hints that it is a verb, an action, not a thing or noun.

Love is in the commitment to the action of being loving.

What that looks like for me is showing up when I say I will, teaching others what I’ve come to know, telling the truth whether someone wants it or not and not having this love be conditionally attached to people’s attitudes, actions and behaviors.

I take myself, my selfish needs and desires out of the equation and do what’s in the best interest of the other person.

Because I could never get any of the things I might be seeking from another anyway, it comes from my all loving creator.

So if I need nothing from you, if you could never take anything away from me by anything you say or do, there comes the love independent of conditions.

The closer I get to knowing this truth, not by my intellectual mind but by experience, the closer I get to feeling the oneness with my creator I have been craving my entire existence.

Surrender and Clarity

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After every period of suffering, resistance and pain lies the rainbow of clarity, if only I look up from the ground to the sky to see it.

The path to awakening, for this girl, consists of constant shifts in perspective. Often times I get stuck in a way of perceiving the world around me that is not based in truth.

I don’t even know it’s happening.

It sneaks up on me and I can’t see it, because the more my spirit evolves, so does my ego. It has to because of the laws of the universe, the yin and the yang or Einstein’s theory of relativity.

The more evolved the soul, the more evolved the ego.

My ego (basically everything that comes from my thinking) is always evolving and changing as I do, finding new ways to infiltrate, override and confuse what my soul knows.

It is not my friend.

The “problem” if there is such a thing, is not in what is, no matter what is happening around me, but always lies in my perception of what is.

So I go to my spiritual teacher to help me see what sometimes I cannot, someone who tells me the truth. Though my ego will try fight, deny or rationalize, my soul hears it. As long as I have one thing on my side, my ego cannot win.

That indispensable thing is willingness.

Willingness allows me to hear her and to have the other things on my side that save me being owned by my mind. Those things are honesty, humility and open mindedness.

I have a chance, with all these gifts, to move towards clarity, truth and freedom.

And freedom from being chained by anything or anyone, is what I’ve always sought.

Someone said to me recently that after a tough time and then major surrender, they set out to make God their everything, to get everything they had realized they were still seeking in the outside world from God.

When they did that, a transformation occurred, bringing amazing freedom and gifts like none other.

When they said that, my soul heard it.

And now that has been my new intention.

Causing Harm To Others

As I am about to attempt to set right harm I have caused others I came across the name of someone I spent a good amount of time with before things got really, really bad.

She was someone who I knew had strong feelings for me. I think I was vaguely aware of what my motivation was at the time but self was so strong that I was only seeking for what I needed and thought very little about how I was affecting her. She was a coworker and even though I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea to cross that boundary, I did it anyway.

Now I can see that I spent time with her because she thought I was so wonderful. I didn’t want to be alone. It felt really good. Even though I knew I just didn’t feel the same, I hoped the feelings would develop.

Wouldn’t it be perfect if I fell for someone who thought I was so amazing for once?

We hung out all the time and had a lot of fun. She would tell me about how her vision boards changed her life and how focus on putting positivity into the world came back to her. She was a huge light in the darkness I had lived in.

The problems came when the feelings didn’t follow. I think I knew somewhere inside they never would. So the longer we hung out the worse it got because she wanted something from me that I couldn’t give. I pushed away from her, using excuses that it was what she had done or not done.

I didn’t stop to think that she could feel and experience that I didn’t feel the same. She wasn’t going to walk away though. It caused her to suffer.

It turned out to eventually end in a painful way for her. I walked away with a huge resentment. Ironically, she took my job after I was let go.

What I could’ve done if I wasn’t so afraid and self centred was to be truthful with her when I knew I was never going to be in a place where I would feel the same. I could’ve freed her and allowed her to find what she was looking for.

Was I really doing her a favour by not speaking my truth? Was I really trying not to hurt her or was it all about me and what I needed?

I know now it was about me and what I needed, nothing to do with her. I caused her much more pain by not telling her the truth the moment I knew. She deserved the truth and to continue her journey without me. And what she must have been feeling knowing the truth but still waiting for me to just say it must have been awful.

It is the subtle ways I caused harm that can go unnoticed if I am not thorough.

The hope in this is that now that I am conscious of my behaviour, I can’t change the past but I can work on how I affect others, starting now.