Story of the favorite shoes

But you’ve grown
Those shoes don’t fit
Favorite shoes, I know
You loved them
For so long

They were comfortable
And safe, and snug and right
The exact shoes you always imagined you’d wear
The ones you wanted
The ones you lost

For a long time you couldn’t find them
You searched and searched
But they were gone

You imagined all the places
You would go in those shoes
What you would and could do
In those shoes again

Dreamed about them,
woke up and realized
they were still gone
It was just a dream

You tried different,
wonderful,
beautiful new shoes
The best of the best,
But could not replace the shoes you lost
The ones you were set on having
All the amazing, fabulous shoes you tried on,
you just threw away

They weren’t your old favorite

Until one day,
You found those favorite shoes
Again
There they were, almost like they never left
Never were lost
On cloud nine you were, reunited with those shoes
Filled with glee
you hugged them,
loved them

But as you put them on you suddenly realized
YOU HAD GROWN
and
they did not fit anymore
You tried
to squeeze your feet in these shoes
BUT YOU HAD GROWN
they did not fit

You

Anymore

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Letting Go

One thing I’ve discovered about myself is that I have a high capacity for justification. I can invariably hurt people and not see it. I lie to myself. I always have truth deep within me, but sometimes I’m far from admitting it. If I tell myself the truth, then I have to change. And if I don’t want to change, I continue to lie to myself and blame others.

I think I’m taking the easier, softer way by not having to courage to walk away from situations that are harmful to others, but really it’s because of my own selfishness. I don’t want to leave the comfort I get from someone’s attention, someone’s love, and I stay because I don’t want to be alone.

There will always come a time when the truth finds me, and I can no longer continue to live the lie. The people around me retaliate to my actions and it’s time to do the right thing.

Sometimes the right thing means walking away, freeing others from the hold I have on them. Loving them enough to allow them to finally find what they need, when I know it’s certainly not me.

The answer is always in loving more, loving myself and others. Letting go and moving on frees me from the suffering I create.

What is my choice to be?

New Beginnings

With every ending is a new beginning, more beautiful, more deep and more lovely than before.

With every moment of deciding what I haven’t wanted, I’ve been able to discover what I do want.

Every time I have walked away from not good enough, I find that the universe provides me with something better.

It’s been there all along, the best my creator can offer, I just have missed it.

Too focused on the past to see what’s right in front of me, what’s here and now is so much more than before.

It’s the gentle wave of a new beginning.

Beauty and hope all wrapped up together in something truthful.

I hear you universe, whispering in my ear, “Push on forward, my gifts are just beginning.”

If I Could Tell You I’d Say This…

I’m human and sometimes I do things that I’m not proud of. To expect, that even though I am seeking enlightenment, that I will ever not doing stupid things, is an unrealistic expectation.

I guess somewhere in me I still hold on to the belief that it is okay to intentionally hurt someone if I feel that someone intentionally hurt me. If I look back on my experience though, never has harming another solved any problems. It in fact just adds to the problem and makes things worse.

Even though I know deep down inside that the answer to all problems is more love, I don’t always make it to that perfect ideal. I have made decisions, based on self, that have deeply harmed others. I cannot go back and undo what I’ve done but I can learn from those experiences and strive towards something better.

I can choose to not cause anymore harm to those around me.

I can ask those I’ve harmed if there is anything I can do to make it right.

There are those who I have held emotionally hostage with resentments about things that have happened in the recent past. I have blamed others for my own incompleteness, insecurities and unhappiness. Pointing the finger at others I have said, “You did this to me”, playing the victim.

As a result of that belief, I chose to harm someone I have loved and respected, by using what I know about their weaknesses specifically to hit them where I knew it would hurt.

I knew it would be an effective way to get to this person.

And it worked.

I not only harmed them, I harmed myself.

Because I’ve had to live with it.

The reality is that nothing was done to me. Things unfolded the way they were supposed to in God’s order, and yes, I just happened to be in the story.

But I have let go of any blame. I have made peace with the story, understanding that it has all happened exactly the way it should’ve and I trust in that.

I am no longer angry or resentful, no longer do I believe their was fault to be found, no longer am I using these experiences as the cause of my my own issues.

I am happy and complete today. My life is good. Actually it is really good. I wish I could let this person know all this.

I wish I could tell them that I forgive them for everything.

This person is not speaking to me and it’s understandable.

But if I could talk to them, I would tell them that I wish for them to be happy, fulfilled and free in whatever way that looks for them. I wish for them everything I wish for myself.

I would say that they don’t need to worry about me at all, because I am great, better than great.

I would say go and be happy and know that there is always at least one person out there that loves them unconditionally, no matter what, with or without me, speaking or not speaking, forever apart or together, silently cheering them on in everything they do.

And that person is me.

The Puzzle

Can I tell you a story?

It’s about a girl who came into this world with the purpose of remembering what she was here to do.

She came from a different dimension, another world and
chose this life, these parents, this place, to fulfill a destiny.

She yearned to know the experience of what it is like to be human.

As time went on, instead of remembering where and from whom she came from and was also equally was a part of it, therefore possessed the ability to create anything she could dream up, she just forgot more and more.

The feeling of separation from where she came from grew and grew as a result of this human character that she created, in an effort to protect her from things that happened to her.

She suffered greatly on this earth for a long time until she could no longer stand the suffering.

She thought she wanted to die but in reality it was her soul wishing for the death of the human part of her.

Eventually that human part cracked just enough to allow an awakening to occur.

Suddenly she saw the world in a different light.

She started to remember.

An outstanding idea presented itself. She could end her suffering, she could just stop resisting.

Like a child with her nose pressed up against a puzzle, therefore not even noticing that it is in fact a puzzle, she could not see that the puzzle pieces created a whole entire image. The pieces being everything that has happened in and around her in her life, and in this world.

As she backed away from the puzzle a breathtaking image of perfection appeared.

Another idea came to her.

Even though at close range she could see how the pieces fit together so perfectly, so effortlessly, just maybe there was more to see, like a puzzle inside of a piece of a much larger puzzle.

A puzzle so large that she might never be able to back away from it enough to see the whole of it.

And for once, that was okay with her.

She was okay with not seeing it all, not knowing it all because there was clearly a divine plan that could, made by the ultimate designer of it all.

If something beyond her comprehension could create such a perfect and beautiful plan, maybe, she just might, be able to place her trust in that. Like allowing yourself to fall into a net that was built to hold you up, and resting in the comfort of the safety of that net.

It was then that stopped resisting.

That was the beginning of this girl letting go.

Bless Every “Hard” Experience

In times of suffering and struggle, when we perceive things as bad, wrong, or not how they should be, there are always hidden gifts to be found.

For example, when some of my past relationships had ended, I had a hard time letting go.

With each one, I held onto the pain and confusion having no idea what was behind the inability to let go.

Intellectually I knew that these relationships weren’t working.

Intellectually, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted.

What my mind was telling me was that I missed them terribly because I loved them and getting over it was just a waiting game.

It wasn’t until the last relationship ended that through finally honestly asking God for knowledge and power in this area of my life, had I been granted the gift of awareness that what I really was needing was to work on facing these painful things that were holding me back from a new level of freedom.

I wasn’t awake to the fact that while I loved these people, what I was really missing were those opportunities to loose myself in something else, using them to distract myself from, and avoid the things that at the time were too painful to deal with from within myself.

And that was when I became free of it.

It wasn’t the specific person at all.

My soul was finally ready for this deeper understanding.

My soul was ready to face these things I needed to be free from.

I never would’ve seen this while I was in it.

I thank God for the opportunity through pain and suffering for the chance to know him and myself better.

Is Life Supposed To Be Hard?

There’s so much beauty in the world.

It’s in every moment.

Only if I’m constantly looking back into the past or planning, worrying or stressing about the future, I can’t see the beauty and amazement that lies in what’s right in front of me.

Some say life is tough.

They say it’s supposed to be hard.

I’ve thought that before.

I think it is hard if you believe it is supposed to be hard.

I am eternally thankful that I’ve had a different experience now.

I’m more free now than ever before, not because life has gone or suddenly started going my way but because I gave up resisting everything and everyone.

I strive to remain present.

By giving up resistance I find I don’t need to suffer.

How can I judge what’s happening when I can’t see the end result?

What my experience tells me is that allowing what is to just be, I am happier, calmer, more peaceful and joyous.

Living in gratitude for what I have just brings more into my life.

The universe comes to me and my life just becomes a whole lot better.

A New Beginning… Again

Until I am done with a spiritual lesson, until I let go and learn what I need to learn, the lesson will keep presenting itself.

When I let go of what I think is best for me, what my ego wants, I am always blessed with new gifts. I can’t see what is right in front of me until I let go of the old and look for the new possibilities.

Now I see you.

You patiently waited until my eyes were opened. You’ve been there but somehow I missed you.

Like times before it hit me light a lightening bolt. I knew right then that I need to know you. I looked into your eyes and something happened.

It’s that knowing inside of me that hasn’t been wrong yet.

The moment that happened, when I knew you felt it too, it vibrated my soul. There’s a new experience I am meant to have with you.

I have my seatbelt strapped for the ride. Whatever it turns out to be, I know it will be more amazing than times before.

Each time has been because of the work I’ve been willing to do in order to grow.

God put you in front of me.

It’s a beautiful thing.

If It’s Not Good, It’s Not The End

I was recently at a sober prom party and as the result of being present, I noticed a magnet on the refrigerator door in the amazingly beautiful home hosting the party. It read, “Everything will be good in the end.  If it’s not good, it’s not the end.”

It’s a perfect description of my faith in a God that wants nothing but love and light for me and every other human.  It’s the reason I can let go of trying to control and judge my environment.

One of the biggest aha moments I’ve had in sobriety this time around has been the loss of the need t o label events in the past and present as “good” or “bad”.  Working daily on becoming more and more conscious and awakening spiritually has created that paradigm shift in my thinking and perspective on everything, including loosing judgement on what I think should happen in life.

Now, I can move with ease throughout my day open to my experience with widely open eyes. In coming to believe in a God I can trust my life with as well as the lives of others I care for, all experiences that occur just seem to become necessary as part of a greater plan.  My children living with their alcoholic father, under his care for the first time without me physically present, as part of my losing custody, is a necessary experience they need to have as part of their path.  I can let go and trust that God is caring for them in the same way he cared for me all along.

There is definite freedom in the letting go of these labels, judgements and all the emotions attached to them.  When I can look back at the entire picture of my life and feel absolute gratitude for every tiny moment that has taken place and truly understand that there needs to be no guilt, shame or disappointment because of it, I not only feel more faith but freedom.

This has just simply been my unique journey.

When I sit with another person like me and have an honest conversation about what I have struggled with just for them to have that sigh of relief from the realization that they are and have not been alone, it all seems worth it.

I can relax in the fact that everything from the people who I come in contact with, to how they behave, the choices they make and things that happen around me as a result are not my responsibility but just become a part of my journey, a mirror, a lesson, a blessing or all three.  There is a lesson for growth in it all.  I can stop judging everyone and everything. There is a greater plan at work and I just play my small part in it on this planet.  I was in bondage of the negativity that comes from being dissatisfied by the result of how I think something should have turned out, when I can’t see big enough to understand what true outcome.

Who am I to say that any experiences I had in the past that I had viewed as absolutely horrifying at the time was not something that I had to go through to get to where I am now?  Without any part of my story, would I be propelled towards the growth I seek today?

Who am I to define an event as good or bad when I am not the one in charge of this world and have no idea of the ultimate plan that God has for all of us? Doesn’t my experience give me the opportunity to help turn on the light in another human being, like those who have had similar  experiences as I, traveled the road before me and lift me up with the hope that comes from the overcoming of these trials themselves?

These fellow traveler’s live amazingly free.  In witnessing that, I find hope.  My faith strengthens because this is happening now for myself and others as well.

The more I turn my attitude towards light, the more light I shine in this world.  When someone is suffering, I can recognize it as such and be loving while staying out of the result of their experience.  The more I treat others with love and kindness, no matter how they treat me, the more I feel loved.  When I feel loved the more love I recognize in the world. To me, this complete surrender to the idea of a divine plan, is true freedom.

The driving force in my life today is to be in the moments of life, love and connection with others.  The more I seek spirituality, the more pleasant life becomes around me, which continues to grow and grow.  People come into my life that are traveling the same path with the same vibration and together we seek something greater than what exists in the material world.  A world that blinds and distracts us from what is real.

For a girl who had lost all hope in humanity and wanted to exit this earth out of complete and utter despair, my new perspective on life and all humans in seems nothing less than miraculous.  Most importantly, I did not do this alone.  I have relied on God every step of the way.