Chasing Pavement

The ache from my heart has eased over time and has not gone though I’ve wished it to.

Wishing and praying to be released from the hold you had on me, has gotten me nowhere but here, alone.

Your absence hangs on me like a familiar scent.

Though you are far from here and now, internal longing has been the barrier between my soul and another’s.

Unspoken words protect me from allowing the new, that knows I am taken, that my heart is taken.

Funny how I chase life to fill me, but life doesn’t replace you.

I lie to myself that you left me.

I left you, that’s the truth.

So what I am chasing now?

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Baby Blue Balloon

Hold my string around your finger
for I am the baby blue balloon at the other end
Floating, striving to reach greater heights
up over trees and buildings,
heading for the clouds

One little cotton string
connects me to it all
so don’t let go too soon

Lightly I glide,
gravity no match for me
Looking down from an areal view
as if I sat on the moon,
watching giant dancing patterns
of tiny humans weave over and around each other
in harmonious disarray

The patterns from my view
are in synch with the symphony of life
as the songs change
but the music keeps playing

Is this the big picture?
Or is there even more to see?

Don’t ask me to come down,
for it will never look the same
When I return home to the ground
will I forget what I learned?
Will I forget what it all meant?
when I was high in sky
weightless and careless
as a baby blue balloon

My Book, My Story

I’m writing less on my blog because I started writing my book. The book I’ve been saying I’m going to write for the last 2 years. It’s not at all what I thought I’d write about but isn’t life always like that? Never ending up the way we imagined? But still it’s what’s inside me, needing to come out. This story that needs to be told. It’s living inside me and I want it out. It’s time.

This is my story.

Bad Luck???

I don’t believe there is such a thing as “bad luck”. There was a time when I would use those words to describe the things that happened to me that I didn’t like, or that I labeled as “bad”.

Now I see that everything that goes on in my life is a product of something on my part.

It says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that “we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.”

I had read this line what felt like a thousand times until one day it clicked in a way it never had before.

I finally realized that though I had no control over other people’s actions, and may not have directly caused an action on someone else’s part, that if I went back far enough I could see a decision based on self that placed me in the position to be hurt. Even if that decision was as simple as seeing the signs but not walking away from harms way.

I saw that the chaos that happened in my outer life was a reflection of what was going on inside, that energetically I drew these events to me. If I had an argument, I had a part, because one person can’t argue. If I was treated poorly by someone in my life more than once, just maybe I allowed it.

Once I made a decision to not tolerate abuse, it just fell away from my life. Once I had hit a bottom with drama, it ended. Once I stopped believing in limitations, they vanished. Once I had enough of the kind of relationships that caused me pain and decided I was done settling with them, they didn’t happen any more.

They just may have been my creation, because deep down I didn’t believe I was worthy of love, so I couldn’t allow people who just wanted to love me, into my heart.

The bad news, if all this is true, is that I have no right to complain about “bad luck” because I am the cause.

The good news is that I don’t have to wait on the luck of the world to swing my way to finally be happy and free, I get to chose.

It’s up to me.

And that’s some really good news.

Choices

When did I unconsciously decide to start holding back again in an effort to protect my self?

It’s something I did my whole life but when I had my first profound awakening, I finally saw that the problem with having the walls up to keep out the bad, was that it came with a high cost.

It was also keeping out everything good.

I had let finally down all the walls and I allowed absolutely everything in.

As scary as it was, it was the time in my life I felt the most free, it was when I felt the most of everything.

It was like taking a leap off a cliff.

There was so much living in those moments, so many lows but yet so many highs too.

But yet again, as life happened, as it always does, ever so subtly, I starting holding back and closing off again.

I wanted to protect myself.

I chose safety over risks.

But in protecting myself, I had stopped living to the fullest like I had been.

I stopped taking those risks.

Life starting loosing the vibrance in it’s color.

I stopped living completely free in the now and tried to find a balance between acting in the moment, and being discernibly cautious.

Is there a right and a wrong way in all this?

Or are there just choices, with costs and prices to pay for each side?

Pushing Forward

I push forward into the life I’m meant to have, instead I the life I thought I should have.

Most of the time I trust in the universe that what I’m meant to have, I will have.

The people I need to assist me on my journey and help me fulfil my purpose will be placed in my life, and those that no longer serve their purpose will be removed.

Sometimes it takes me a while to see things clearly.

Sometimes it takes me a while to get into acceptance of what happens to be.

Sometimes I doubt, sometimes I get confused and lost.

Sometimes I struggle and resist.

I often get stuck trying to “figure it out” which inevitably always fails.

I’ll try hard to predict the future based on the past or present, a future that for all I know, may never come, instead of trusting.

Sometimes I forget to be patient.

Then I remember that the only I thing I may ever know for sure, is right now.

I guess this is all part of my humanness.

In the end though, I always have a knowing deep down inside, that my creator is all around me, and I will always, no matter what, be okay.

The Puzzle

Can I tell you a story?

It’s about a girl who came into this world with the purpose of remembering what she was here to do.

She came from a different dimension, another world and
chose this life, these parents, this place, to fulfill a destiny.

She yearned to know the experience of what it is like to be human.

As time went on, instead of remembering that she came from her loving creator and was also equally was a part of it, therefore possessed the ability to create anything she could dream up, she just forgot more and more.

The feeling of separation from her creator grew and grew as a result of this human character that her ego created, in an effort to protect her from things that happened to her.

She suffered on this earth for a long time until she could no longer stand the suffering.

She thought she wanted to die but in reality it was her soul wishing for the death of her ego.

Eventually her ego cracked just enough to allow an awakening to occur.

Suddenly she saw the world in a different light.

She started to remember.

An outstanding idea presented itself that she could end her suffering, that she could just stop resisting.

Like a child with her nose pressed up against a puzzle, therefore not even noticing that it is in fact a puzzle, she could not see that the puzzle pieces created a whole entire image.

As she backed away from the puzzle a breathtaking image appeared.

Another idea came to her.

Even though at close range she could see how the pieces fit together so perfectly, so effortlessly, just maybe there was more to see, like a puzzle inside of a piece of a much larger puzzle.

One she might never be able to back away from enough to see the whole of it.

And that was okay with her.

She was okay with not seeing, not knowing it all because there was something else that could, the designer of it all.

If something could create such a perfect image, she might be able to trust that thing.

That was the beginning of this girl letting go.

Breaking The Cycle

Taking an honest look at my past is valuable because it can be used as my doorway to freedom.

I say this because unless I know where I came from and what those experiences taught me about the world I live in, I won’t be able to see how and why I keep recreating it over and over today.

The continual unconscious drive to keep living out the same insanity keeps me in bondage.

Unless and until I become awake to the patterns of my actions and the underlying beliefs behind them, I am unable to make new choices and do something different for a different result.

As a survivor of molestation by someone who was supposed to be my protector, I have continued out that cycle by the choices I have made in my intimate life.

What seemed “normal” to me was that the person who was supposed to protect me was actually my abuser, like a kidnapped victim falling for their kidnapper.

I couldn’t see what was actually happening.

I didn’t understand why this was happening over and over again.

I didn’t know that I was the one who was creating it now.

I have become to see this play out in my life today and now can recognise it much quicker and finally have the awareness to make new choices and take different actions that lead me towards a better existence.

More consciousness develops from this inside work.

I get closer and closer to the life I want.

That is what I call freedom.