When someone has made a choice, and that choice is to be with you, they won’t waist one more moment without you or miss the chance to say it.
The journey of learning how to navigate life here on earth as a sober, conscious and awakened human being has been challenging at times.
Now that I’ve been finally facing the things in my past that have created this character I’ve needed to create to survive on this planet and have driven my thoughts and actions my whole life, I have begun to be free of it little by little.
I wasn’t ready until my soul was ready.
With faith and trust in my creator, I am able to find clarity, make decisions and then act on them with courage.
I can decide today what it is that I want my experience here on earth to look like, and when it’s really close but not quite there, I don’t have to settle out of fear that if I don’t, I’ll never have it.
That’s been my problem my whole life. I’ve settled for almost enough respect, almost enough happiness, almost enough love, almost enough living.
Then slowly but surely the bar got lower and lower and lower until I would accept anything at all.
Finally my life and beliefs got so small that there was no room for hope.
So now I’m in the process of expanding my beliefs about what life can be, setting the bar higher and placing more and more trust in my creator.
My experience so far has amazingly been that life absolutely rises to meet me where I am.
That’s a good reason today for hope.
No two human experiences are ever the same. There can similarities but really everyone has their own journey maybe only understood by the one having it.
As far as drug addicts and alcoholics, the mystery is how some people get sober young, some old or some never.
Some people get sober and stay sober for their entire life and some get sober and relapse, get sober and relapse.
I can’t even fully answer the question of my own journey. I often wonder what it was about me that just couldn’t get it and keep it.
Even though it has been my path I don’t regret any of it.
I try not to spend too much time “figuring it out”.
Trying to “figure it out” never helped me before.
Staying present is my biggest tool for peace in my life.
What matters to me most now is what I’ve done this far to have a new and different experience with the 12 steps and with life.
I see more now than ever before.
I am more conscious than ever before.
I have more courage, faith, belief, trust, awareness, calm, peace, joy, freedom and hope than ever before.
That is what is important to me today.
I am so grateful for this journey as crazy, busy, messy, and just silly as it had been at times.
The beauty is revealed to me as I take moments to sit back and just watch those around me.
Women come into my life when they have hit bottom, beat down, their lives are in turmoil and the problems are stacked high against them, yet they still can relax, have fun, laugh and be silly.
To see them just let go, maybe for the first time in their lives, if for only a few moments, and find the joy in just being totally makes everything worth it.
Everything I went through, the depths of darkness, allows me to relate to others and send a message of hope.
I can say that I have been there, I’ve experienced that and I felt like that but I’m free of it and they can be too.
Just to know that no matter what happens when they leave here, that hopefully they have felt love without any conditions attached, that I’ve done my job of loving them well, is all I can hope for.
Today has been a good day.
Today marks eleven months of sobriety without any mind altering substances.
Coming to believe in an all loving creator has transformed everything about me. Building a relationship with my creator, placing my life in his hands and slowly walking step by step, hand in hand with faith, has made this last eleven months the most amazing time in my life.
It has been full of triumphs and heartache. I have had moments of feeling lost and moments of bliss.
That’s the human experience.
Most of all, I finally have the solid belief that anything is possible and limits have seemed to fall away.
Continually I learn, grow and awaken.
How could I not be grateful for my life as it is today compared to how I’ve lived before this?
In times of suffering and struggle, when we perceive things as bad, wrong, or not how they should be, there are always hidden gifts to be found.
For example, when some of my past relationships had ended, I had a hard time letting go.
With each one, I held onto the pain and confusion having no idea what was behind the inability to let go.
Intellectually I knew that these relationships weren’t working.
Intellectually, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted.
What my mind was telling me was that I missed them terribly because I loved them and getting over it was just a waiting game.
It wasn’t until the last relationship ended that through finally honestly asking God for knowledge and power in this area of my life, had I been granted the gift of awareness that what I really was needing was to work on facing these painful things that were holding me back from a new level of freedom.
I wasn’t awake to the fact that while I loved these people, what I was really missing were those opportunities to loose myself in something else, using them to distract myself from, and avoid the things that at the time were too painful to deal with from within myself.
And that was when I became free of it.
It wasn’t the specific person at all.
My soul was finally ready for this deeper understanding.
My soul was ready to face these things I needed to be free from.
I never would’ve seen this while I was in it.
I thank God for the opportunity through pain and suffering for the chance to know him and myself better.