Tears In The Background

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My latest lesson has been uncovering the truth about the pain that has been unacknowledged by me, over the separation from my children the past 2 years. I have been unwilling to look at it and let it in, so therefore it has been just haunting me.

In my eyes, under every smile, every laugh, has been a sign of mourning and sadness. No matter what I do, it’s there.

There are times when I understand that this is my life. There are times when I know that my children have their own autonomous path that may or may not include me daily.

I trust God.

Yet there are most times when my heavy heart aches because they aren’t near.

Tears aren’t far from my eyes at any given moment.

I want to find freedom from this suffering so I wrote a letter to God about this recently and went over it with my spiritual guide. We talked about how to get into solution concerning this pain.

We talked about loving my clients the way I would love my kids. Giving the women I care for the same love I express with my children. Because in all reality they are no different than my kids. If I wasn’t the mom in this story, would I believe they deserved any less love than my boys?

Loving my clients, or anyone in my life, is loving my children. When I love others I am helping make the planet a better place for my kids. We are all connected.

For some reason this helps relieve my suffering.

When I can see everyone as “one life” then the way I act to different people is exactly the same. Ego is the only thing that causes me to act differently depending on who is in front of me.

Ego is what is suffering from being apart from my boys.

I want to live in spirit.

I want to be the mom God intended me to be.

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Unlearn Everything

“We don’t need to learn anything new. We just need to unlearn everything we think we know.”

I never realized that I was going to try to just settle for an average life. Old beliefs, the ones I never even questioned or stopped to think about where they came from, kept me from believing I could go anywhere and do anything I could dream up.

My deepest dreams seemed somehow unreachable. So one by one as I grew up from being a child, I let them all go. I was told that I needed a college education to be anything, that I would have to work hard for my money (and not necessarily enjoy it), that if I didn’t get married and have children something was off with me. I believed I should find “the one” and it should last forever.

I believed that to have a powerful impact on my children, I had to be physically present with them everyday. These are just some of the beliefs that determined how I lived life. No one ever told me to just be who I felt I was meant to be. That I could just be free to be me and what everyone else is doing may not equal happiness.

My experience so far has been that anything is possible and love wins over everything else. Being loving without conditions on that love not only grants me freedom but it creates a path for the impossible to occur.

My job is not hard. It doesn’t feel like work. I get to be me. I get to be of service to amazing girls. I get the daughters I never had. I get to be around those that are walking the same path towards enlightenment that I travel.

The bond I have with my children through the love I have given and continue to give is beyond anything. I don’t have to live with them or do the things most moms do to be their hero. It’s the love that they recognize and eat up.  

It’s why my 15 year old sings me songs in the car that people have made about their moms. It’s why he tells me more than most teenage boys tell their parents. It’s why his smile and eyes shine when we are together. It’s why he feels safe with me. It’s why he proudly talks to his friends about who his mom is. It’s the reason he asks me to stay longer because it’s important to him for me to meet his girlfriend.

My love, he says, is the reason he feels encouraged to follow his truth and succeed.

Success means something totally different to me today. It doesn’t consist of a pay check, money, the car, the house, the intimate partner, the admiration of others or anything like that.

Today it means that my life is full of love and close relationships, self respect, self love, inner peace and fulfillment. It’s only been seven and a half months on this new part of my human journey and I’ve gained so much of what I always wanted but was looking in all the wrong places for.

Gratitude fills my heart and if I really take a good look at truth, I’m already exactly where I need to be.

Nine Years Ago

Nine years ago
The day you were born
I first saw your little face
And I knew the heavens were smiling down on us

Your little fingers and toes
I counted every single one
The fuzzy hair on top of your head
My hand smoothed with a gentle touch

Crying subdued as you heard the sound of my voice you already knew
And felt the warmth of my skin
I held you close
As I whispered silent promises of lifelong dedication
To help you live your dreams

Little button nose
Soft round cheeks
Tiny lids and lashes
Your eyes finally opened

As I gazed into those baby blues
I felt the light of unconditional love that touched me at my core
In an instant I understood it all
That we were two halves of a whole

Every day I’ve seen you grow into who you are meant to be
My heart fills more and more with joy
To know you is a sacred and precious gift
To be your mother is an honor and my love for you will go on long after forever

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here Comes Another Thought

The insane thing about alcoholism, is that I could be going along throughout my day feeling really great, spiritually connected, the sun is shining, humming birds by the pool, great music playing and then a thought comes.

I’m cleaning my room and I stop to look at my roommate’s photos on the wall. In the photos I see her with her babies, her daughters now older and looking stunning in her wedding dress with her mother.

Nothing has changed about my day what-so-ever. But the thoughts happen out of the blue, ego takes over and I’m instantly in suffering.

I look at the photos of my two boys in matching black frames and I feel immense sadness and loss. My past consumes me and I’m back there, in all the darkness and judgement of myself as a mother.

I saw a baby maybe just shy of a year old last night in the arms of this man. The baby girl was sitting fairly still but like all little ones sitting in a quiet environment with little stimulation, she started to squirm in this man’s arms to the point where he got up and left the room with her. I thought back of myself in those situations and how much anxiety it created to just deal that. It just seemed so difficult. I just needed something to alter my being so that I could handle moments like that.

Any everyday situation I look back on when dealing with the monotony of “physical” motherhood was just uncomfortable for me.

This morning, my thoughts take me back through time to when I let my boys down, checked out or handed them off to someone else and now, the physical separation. I see my eight year old son’s face looking up at me last time I left him, hugging me tightly around the waist and his eyes brimming with tears.

I know why I’m leaving. I know why I’m here, away from them today. There’s no doubt that I need to be, for me and for them. I’m clear about who I am today and what my main thing has to be.

It’s God, 12 steps and then everything else and that means before my children. I need to do this thing everyday because of the thoughts that come out of the blue and attack my perception of reality. These thoughts of nothing good are dangerous and without a spiritual solution I have no defence against my ego.

There is pain and sadness, of course. But I don’t need to stay there because I have a clear cut solution that brings me back to reality, as long as I choose to let go and reach for it. I know enough now of where suffering leads me and I don’t want to stay there.

So I allow the feelings to pass through me. I feel them until I can move on and let them go. The only way I know to get to the other side is through them.

 

A Mom Living Apart From My Babies

As I sit here smoking a cigarette overlooking the pool on my patio steps, two hours a way from where my home used to be where my two sons live, tears fall down my cheeks in waves.  I finally opened the cellophane wrapped school pictures that were taken this year.  I was given them almost two weeks ago when I last spent the weekend with my children for a visit.

Why have a waited almost two weeks to take out the tucked away photos and look at them for the first time?

Maybe because I wasn’t ready.  Maybe because it is too painful.  Maybe because it is a bitter reminder of a picture day I had missed for the first time.  A first time I did not pick out there clothes the night before, styled their hair in the morning and let them know as they went out into the world for that day that they are beautiful inside and out.

This is the most recent in a series of first events or occasions I have missed since getting sober this time.  I was not there for Christmas, New Years, a first basketball game of the season, a first high school baseball game, a 15th birthday and now, a school picture day.

Why do I not run home to them when my soul aches to be near them?  Why do I not seek and manipulate a way back to them so I can be a part of these occasions that have belonged to me and to us for so many years?

The answer is because of what I am and the disease I suffer from and what is necessary to treat it.  After many, many attempts to run back to be a physically present mother first and not putting the treatment of my disease number one over everything else, I have yet to “stay” clean and sober.  Once again, I am back to a beginning after going through another period of great suffering trying to get and keep this thing called sobriety.

I just can’t be the mother who puts everything else before my own well being and make it work.  I can’t go back and be the mother I was at one time.

My primary purpose on this earth is to stay sober, seek God and help others do the same.  The only solution to my condition is a spiritual awakening.  I have finally suffered enough defeat to thoroughly understand this concept.  I must seek God and work towards a growing consciousness, finding my purpose on this planet if I am to be free from needing to alter myself chemically just to exist in the world.

For me, it’s one or the other.

I have found that spiritual growth and constant focus on clearing away the things that block me from myself, God and others gives me a daily freedom from the need to alter myself.  There is nothing more important to me today that having this freedom and keeping a centered and peaceful inner self.  Only with this work do I get a life, experience joy, laughter and gratitude that fills my heart.  Who would have thought that what I had been seeking all along in alcohol and drugs, which turned on me and failed me, I would find in spirituality and God?

I may not be the mother I once was, in the way I was but I still get to be a mother and my boys still get to have me in their life in a better way.  Today I believe that I will be a mother that is more impactful than what they have ever gotten to experience before.  I will be the kind of mom that God intended me to be, a light to balance out the darkness, a way out of the problems and a guide to becoming who they are meant to be.

I will be an inspiration.

This hope and faith is what keeps my butt where I am.  It’s not easy and some days are harder than others.  But it’s not just about me anymore and how I feel about things.  This has become about all of us, ascending into a better life, something greater.

My part in this?  Well, it’s to stay on the path set out for me, remain teachable and to keep seeking answers from within.

For today, I am okay, my children are okay and everything is exactly how it should be.

Trusting God With My Children

I just got back from my first overnight visit with my children in what was my hometown just about 4 months ago.  It still sounds weird to me that I am visiting my children.  These are little parts of me that I have raised since I gave birth to them and I don’t live with them anymore.  They are part of me and I am part of them.

Why don’t I live with them?  Why do I just visit, sometimes for just a few hours, this time for just short of two days?

The answer is still evolving but for right now, it’s so I can save my life and follow what God wants for me.

I have two voices that speak to me constantly, one is the voice of my ego and one is the voice of God.  Ego says that to be a mother, I must live by the standards of other human beings,  living with my children, making their meals, taking them to school, sports, playdates, helping with homework, having sleep overs and the rest that goes with being physically present, all while trying to not medicate myself so I can deal with the life I would live there.  If there is time left over to find out who I am and my purpose on this planet, do that last.  The voice inside of me that is God says that I need to be away from them, for right now, and continue to seek his will for me.  God says I need to stay where I am so that I may be surrounded by those who carry the light to show me the way.

I don’t know what kind of mother the universe wants me to be.  For now, it’s not what the world will tell me.  My place is physically somewhere separate from them so I can be there with them spiritually and emotionally in a way that I was unable to be before.  One day my place may be back in the same home with them or maybe it may never be that way again.  Unless I put my spiritual growth number one and seek to be of service to give away what I have found, I don’t get to be a mother and my children don’t get me at all.

My primary purpose on this earth is to seek to raise my own consciousness and help others do the same.  This must happen for someone like me or I will cease to be the authentic spiritual being I am, sliding back to darkness and possibly never coming back.   It matters to me less and less everyday what others think of what I do and the kind of mother I am today and more what my relationship with God tells me.

Through that I am finding the freedom I have always been looking for.