Feeling Whole

Why is it that I have felt that I needed certain people in my life, whether family, friend or lover?

How had I gotten attached to the idea that I am not okay without them in my life in some form or another?

It seems that I have been looking to others to somehow make me feel whole.

My mother’s love and approval must mean I am a lovable and a good person.

My friends wanting to be around me and share their life with me must mean I am worthy of love and friendship.

My lover wants to be with me therefore I must be attractive, desirable and lovable.

Do I not already know all these things about myself aside from what others see in me?

I was constantly looking to others to know whether or not I was okay with myself.

I was needing without knowing I was needy.

Relationships with others failed or disappointed or worse yet, had me feeling less than instead of the feeling I was seeking which was to be whole.

I was looking to feel whole in places I would never find it.

In reality, I must be whole first to ever come into relationship with others successfully.

I find all that I was seeking to find in others, in building the relationship between myself and my creator.

I finally have a relationship that will never disappointment or lead me astray, that will comfort and love me, and that will give me all that I ever need.

I am free from needing anyone to truly know who I am today.

Friends?

I used to need specific friends in my life. I didn’t know why I loved having them around because I never took a look at why that was.

I just needed them.

I wasn’t conscious of the fact that it was usually people in my life that made me feel a certain way. It could’ve been that they made me feel safe, wanted, needed or better about myself.

Any or all of those things would do.

The point is, I kept them around to get something I needed, unknowingly.

I thought they were good for me.

I thought for the most part, they helped me.

So when they were actually harming me, I couldn’t see it.

Sometimes it was as subtle as constant manipulative influence through harmful advice or opinions.

Sometimes it wasn’t so subtle like lashing out when they didn’t get their way or just dropping me when they had something else that was more important to them.

Even though when they felt scared that someone else in my life may have been threatening their relationship with me, and they would manipulate the situation, they may or may not have been conscious to it.

Neither was I.

Did they honestly have my best interest at heart?

Or were they just unaware of what they were doing, like I was.

I would either just get over it or make excuses to myself, just so I didn’t have to loose them.

Because I could imagine my life without them.

In the same way I needed them for something I was getting out of it, they were doing the same thing.

Today through relying on God instead of people and actively working on doing all things with love, I can love others without needing them.

I can see it in others when they may be saying or doing things that could harm me because I can see it in myself.

Without Words

You cannot get wet by the spoken or written word “water”.

This is a word that was created to describe the substance that is.

You can see it, touch it and drink it.

It was created to communicate what exists.

The words “love” and “I love you” are an attempt to describe the act or action of loving.

It is not a “feeling”.

By themselves, they are just words that can be heard by the ears but the words are not what can be felt in the heart.

You cannot know and feel love by the word, only by action of being loving.

Love is respectful, kind, honest, giving, unselfish, consistent and committed.

It is not greedy, needy, selfish, careless, hurtful or fickle.

If I wanted to convey love but had no language to use, what would I do?

“The only way you know you love yourself or anyone else is by the contracts you are willing to make and keep.” Pat Allen