Baby Blue Balloon

Hold my string around your finger
for I am the baby blue balloon at the other end
Floating, striving to reach greater heights
up over trees and buildings,
heading for the clouds

One little cotton string
connects me to it all
so don’t let go too soon

Lightly I glide,
gravity no match for me
Looking down from an areal view
as if I sat on the moon,
watching giant dancing patterns
of tiny humans weave over and around each other
in harmonious disarray

The patterns from my view
are in synch with the symphony of life
as the songs change
but the music keeps playing

Is this the big picture?
Or is there even more to see?

Don’t ask me to come down,
for it will never look the same
When I return home to the ground
will I forget what I learned?
Will I forget what it all meant?
when I was high in sky
weightless and careless
as a baby blue balloon

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Out of Self

When I am suffering, the answer may seem to be to delve into “self” and go into past stories of my life to find the answer to my problem. Some may say we need to “process” what we’ve been through to get to a state of well being.

Yet my problem is of a spiritual nature.

And every spiritual teaching tells us that the answer is to get out of self.

The idea of self is just ego trying to create separation between ourselves, God and others.

The more I go into my story, my past, my own suffering, I just get more of the same.

When we get out of self, remember that we are not separate at all, we finally feel the oneness with all that is created.

We know we are just a part of the same whole.

We find relief in giving more love to others, taking less interest in our own selfish wants and desires.

We find we are understood only in the understanding of others.

However we cannot fully understand and accept others until we love them unconditionally first.

We find comfort in comforting others.

The peace and comfort I wish to find is never in the seeking for myself.

Today my only goal is to be loving to those in my life.

I never know if I’ll have a tomorrow.

The Miracle Already IS

The miracle that happens for a girl like me through living a spiritual way of life, is to have another day alive and sober on this planet.

For whatever reason, I have a disease called alcoholism that is progressive and fatal. I hadn’t been able to live comfortably without putting something in my body to alter my mind for most of my life.

However, today I live free from the obsession to use a drink or a drug. Not only have I not used a mind altering substance in over eight months but I have had the most interesting and fun journey thus far.

At this point it cannot just about getting “relief”. I’m constantly shooting for happy, joyous and FREE.

And it happens.

So it baffles me that I used to deny the existence of an unconditionally loving God. According to the odds, I should be dead or loaded.

But I’m not.

If no human power can help me, no thing, job, amount of money, then my only hope is God.

So I pray every day to know God and his will for me.

Only someone like me, with alcoholism, would be granted the miracle and gift of life but then that not be enough, still be unsatisfied and want more.

This is the disease centered in self.

I have been granted the gift of life for today therefore my first priority has to be how can I love and serve God.

As long as I remember this and have gratitude in my heart, I can possibly have yet another day.

Out of self, more God

The disease of alcoholism is alive and well inside me even when abstaining from mind altering substances.

It took me many relapses to finally see what that meant for myself and to have enough willingness to treat it.

The day can be perfect. I can wake up with a beautiful day before me, read spiritual literature, be grateful to God for my life and my sobriety and hold tremendous hope for the day ahead.

All it takes is a second and a thought and I’m in my alcoholism. I’m consumed with the past, the pain, the “mistakes”, the darkness, the fear, the things that “happened to me”. My ego, self and thinking have taken over and all of a sudden I am overwhelmed with the perception that things are not okay.

Thoughts happen, a lot of thoughts at a rapid rate, and they circulate around and around in my mind.

I’m for a time, convinced that I should be in guilt, shame and unhappiness for the life I’ve lived. Hope disappears and I feel like I can’t participate in the day.

These thoughts override everything, when in reality, nothing has changed.

I doubt myself, my choices, my path and I just want to crawl deep inside myself, alone and sink into thinking my way out of it, or perhaps not anything like that but just staying there.

It’s a miserable place to be. I want to retreat from life.

It never fails that when I am focused on self, how I am possibly going to get what I want and need, I get miserable and fearful very quickly.

So what do I do?

Thank God I have the answers laid out before me. Thank God I am now aware of when this is my alcoholism because when I am coming from a place of my spirit, witnessing this occurring, I can take action to release myself from this needless suffering.

I can bring my body and my spirit and my mind has no choice but to follow.

I can move towards God away from self and selfishness. I can reach out to others with light and love.

Between the fight of ego and spirit, the one that wins is the one I feed.

So all I have to do is choose to feed the light within me.

The light burns brighter and the darkness fades.

The only thing I know that cuts through darkness is to shine a light where it lives.