Run.. You are on quicksand

The law of the universe states that what goes up must must come down.

When highs are built on false happiness, unlike real joy that only comes from within, extreme lows will follow.

Outside solutions built on quicksand always fail us because the material world always demands more.

Material world, means the things that lie outside of us, money, success, relationships, attention, fame, adoration.

What once felt good becomes a need for more.

Relationships do not make us whole, they only temporarily make us feel better to mask the real problem of the spiritual hole within us if not filled with our creator.

“Make me feel better about myself.”

“Take away my sadness.”

“That fact that you love me makes me feel worthy.”

“Looking in your eyes makes me temporarily forget all my pain, all of the pain I’ve caused others just to get here.”

“Your beautiful and you love me so that must mean I’m beautiful.”

“Fill me up, make me whole, love me more, give me more of you, it’s not enough, it’s not enough, it’s just not enough, I’m not enough…”

The solution turns into the problem because you, human, will fail me.

I’ve failed me.

What was the cost of getting here, with you, right now?”

“Can I forgive it?”

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Tears In The Background

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My latest lesson has been uncovering the truth about the pain that has been unacknowledged by me, over the separation from my children the past 2 years. I have been unwilling to look at it and let it in, so therefore it has been just haunting me.

In my eyes, under every smile, every laugh, has been a sign of mourning and sadness. No matter what I do, it’s there.

There are times when I understand that this is my life. There are times when I know that my children have their own autonomous path that may or may not include me daily.

I trust God.

Yet there are most times when my heavy heart aches because they aren’t near.

Tears aren’t far from my eyes at any given moment.

I want to find freedom from this suffering so I wrote a letter to God about this recently and went over it with my spiritual guide. We talked about how to get into solution concerning this pain.

We talked about loving my clients the way I would love my kids. Giving the women I care for the same love I express with my children. Because in all reality they are no different than my kids. If I wasn’t the mom in this story, would I believe they deserved any less love than my boys?

Loving my clients, or anyone in my life, is loving my children. When I love others I am helping make the planet a better place for my kids. We are all connected.

For some reason this helps relieve my suffering.

When I can see everyone as “one life” then the way I act to different people is exactly the same. Ego is the only thing that causes me to act differently depending on who is in front of me.

Ego is what is suffering from being apart from my boys.

I want to live in spirit.

I want to be the mom God intended me to be.

Choices

When did I unconsciously decide to start holding back again in an effort to protect my self?

It’s something I did my whole life but when I had my first profound awakening, I finally saw that the problem with having the walls up to keep out the bad, was that it came with a high cost.

It was also keeping out everything good.

I had let finally down all the walls and I allowed absolutely everything in.

As scary as it was, it was the time in my life I felt the most free, it was when I felt the most of everything.

It was like taking a leap off a cliff.

There was so much living in those moments, so many lows but yet so many highs too.

But yet again, as life happened, as it always does, ever so subtly, I starting holding back and closing off again.

I wanted to protect myself.

I chose safety over risks.

But in protecting myself, I had stopped living to the fullest like I had been.

I stopped taking those risks.

Life starting loosing the vibrance in it’s color.

I stopped living completely free in the now and tried to find a balance between acting in the moment, and being discernibly cautious.

Is there a right and a wrong way in all this?

Or are there just choices, with costs and prices to pay for each side?

Firmly Planted On The Ground

Today I was reading in my morning meditation book about God wanting our heads in the clouds with God but our feet planted firmly on the ground because this is where our work is to be done.

I think all of me was floating in the clouds for most of the first year of my sobriety and I did not want to come down and firmly live as a human on earth.

It was a beautiful experience that I cherish.

However, no matter how much I didn’t want to connect to my human side and come down, it happened anyway.

It feels like I came down hard.

Even though it feels uncomfortable and terribly painful, it is the touchstone of growth.

I heard a song lyric the other day that comforts me and it says, “even the best fall down sometimes”.

I don’t have to be perfect, I am already perfectly perfect just how I am.

If I am to be who God wants me to be and do God’s work then it must be here on earth, connected fully with mind, body and spirit.

This is the new part of my journey and I must remember that I am never alone in this.

God is all around me in every moment, with every breath I take and with every step I make, no matter where I go.

Bless Every “Hard” Experience

In times of suffering and struggle, when we perceive things as bad, wrong, or not how they should be, there are always hidden gifts to be found.

For example, when some of my past relationships had ended, I had a hard time letting go.

With each one, I held onto the pain and confusion having no idea what was behind the inability to let go.

Intellectually I knew that these relationships weren’t working.

Intellectually, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted.

What my mind was telling me was that I missed them terribly because I loved them and getting over it was just a waiting game.

It wasn’t until the last relationship ended that through finally honestly asking God for knowledge and power in this area of my life, had I been granted the gift of awareness that what I really was needing was to work on facing these painful things that were holding me back from a new level of freedom.

I wasn’t awake to the fact that while I loved these people, what I was really missing were those opportunities to loose myself in something else, using them to distract myself from, and avoid the things that at the time were too painful to deal with from within myself.

And that was when I became free of it.

It wasn’t the specific person at all.

My soul was finally ready for this deeper understanding.

My soul was ready to face these things I needed to be free from.

I never would’ve seen this while I was in it.

I thank God for the opportunity through pain and suffering for the chance to know him and myself better.

Seconds and Inches

Life happens in seconds and inches.

Just one moment before or one moment after and we may miss or we may catch things.

Results from either determine our path as well as others.

Just when I think there couldn’t possibly be a reason for the way life seems to be going, I just can’t seem understand it, I am reminded as to why every second in this life is purposeful to the greater good.

When I feel I can’t let go of something, someone comes a long into my life and then it all makes sense.

When I least expect it, when I’m not even looking, something happens when I look into another’s eyes and it all makes sense.

I am reminded of how I got here, to this moment, to this experience.

I am reminded of the gifts that rain down from above as a result of being true to myself.

I am reminded of why moving through and into the pain carries great rewards.

Staying the course and moving towards love, towards God, grants miraculous events to come.

The Story Of My Life

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I have a story.

My story is of some value as long as I don’t get lost in it, as long as I don’t identify my true being with it.

It can help me relate with and connect with others. I can help people with the experience, strength and hope of surviving it.

My story can help me learn about what I want and don’t want to be today.

The mind, body and spirit are interconnected.  I am a being in human form, so I must allow myself to be human.

Whether I like it or not, I have a mind that has been conditioned by my past and that is what I want to break free of.

I no longer want to buy into the ideas I received from the world and people in it.

I don’t want to live like I am what happened to me.

These ideas about myself and others keep me in bondage.

I want to live in truth.

If I don’t take a look at where these ideas have and still play a part in how I experience this human journey, I can’t be free of them.

The work is in becoming conscious of and making sense of my past so that I may help others do the same.

I want to be free of it.

The good news is through every painful time, there is a beginning, middle and end.

Sometimes it’s just about holding on.

Survive

Getting sober is not for the faint at heart. A lot of times things come up from the past. Memories of events too painful for our psyche to deal with finally surface. We have shoved these events far down in our consciousness.

Sometimes these things that happen when we are children are so traumatic that it’s like we never knew they happened to us. It feels like remembering for the first time. It’s not an easy thing to confront.

I watch as women around me just can’t move past the pain. They just can’t face these traumas and they don’t make it.  I thank God for those lessons in what I don’t want to be.

So many of us women don’t make it.

As much as I don’t want these things to have happened to me, as much as I wish it would just go away, that it wasn’t THIS specific person, it doesn’t make it not true. It doesn’t make it go away. It can’t change what has already happened.

To try avoid going through this would be a death sentence.

Why has this come up now after all these months? I wish I understood.

My spiritual guide says that the timing of these memories surfacing is no mistake, that God doesn’t reveal things to us that we are not ready to handle. She says if it comes up, it’s time.

I made a decision a long time back that if I was going to get sober again that I was going to be one of the ones who make it. I see that this can be survived. I believe it to be true.

I know there are solutions if only I reach for them. Even when paralysed with sadness, sometimes if I can just lift a finger in that direction, I can see the horizon of hope.

All I have to do is be willing to try.

What’s In A Bottom?

Spiritual lessons come in all shapes and sizes, in all areas of life. So do bottoms. The problem with bottoms is that you may think you’re already there and then you go back just to find a new, lower bottom.

In my experience, I don’t really know I’m done with something until some time passes. I may be done for a short time because of the sting of my ego being bruised but then I go back for more.

Inevitably comes a time in every painful situation where the suffering out ways the benefits and therein lies a bottom.

Time away brings clarity. When emotionally removed from a situation I am able to see the truth I couldn’t see while in it.

The real lessons start to be revealed.

What do I really want? Why was I so willing to settle for less than everything I know is possible? Why couldn’t I just let go until now? What was it that drove my actions?

These are valuable questions that, if asked, are surely answered.

Being open to find the answers takes a lot of humility.

The hope is that I don’t keep finding myself in the same situations and expecting different results.

If I really trust in a power that is all loving and wants the best for me then I can let go and trust that if I move on from situations that no longer serve me, there are tremendous gifts on the other side.

The gift in bottoms that seem so sad and tragic at the time, is the growth we can attain, the self knowledge that is possible and faith in a better tomorrow in all things.

It’s only when I believe I deserve better that I attain better.

Today I surrender all to God and love myself enough to allow God to work in my life.

I just let go.

5 Principles To Freedom

The 5 spiritual principles that lead me to freedom that I have sought my who human life are:

1. To thine own self be true

I follow it no matter what. I don’t let fear of consequences, people’s reactions or my thinking mind determine how I live in this day. I push fear aside and follow my heart. I don’t allow my ego or pride to dictate my actions.

2. Loving without conditions

It’s always about loving more, never less. I allow myself to love and be loving. Only when I give love to others, can I feel love and allow myself to be loved. It’s never in the seeking.

3. Non-judgement

Truth is there is no good and bad, right and wrong, should and shouldn’t. That is the lie the ego tells us. It is a trap that keeps us isolated from God and away from the light.

4. Non-violation

I don’t cause harm to myself or others. Shutting of from God, being unwilling, stuck and not reaching for solution harms me and I, in turn, harm others.

5. Presence

I stay in the now. I let go of the past and stay out of the future. I allow God to work in my life and experience peace. I turn everything over. I remain present so I can see the beauty of what’s been given to me. I allow people in. I remain teachable. I stay open and allow the experience of right now.

I have been given everything I need. It’s whether I choose to recognise the gifts from God or turn away from them.

Do I live in self will and return to insanity?

Or do I let go?

The choice is mine alone.