The Maze

Sometimes I catch myself wondering “What the heck is going on? I mean REALLY going on.”

Because my mind is a maze that has me running through it, trying to find my way out, when I don’t even remember how it began.

I get caught in the playing and replaying scenes from my life, over and over, analyzing what has happened, wondering where the answers lie.

I keep feeling like I am missing something, some hidden clue that will unravel this mystery. Maybe it was something someone said, a look, a tone of voice, a gesture, that reveals the truth.

Maybe it’s because I remember so little of my traumatic childhood which bothers me. My mind has me trying so hard to go back and remember.

But no matter how hard I try, the missing memories don’t come.

I am aware that I have a toxic mind, however it constantly finds new ways to trick me into falling right back into the abyss.

It was recommended to me that when I come to see that this is happening again, I remind myself of my name, my age, where I live, what day it is, what time it is, and where my feet are.

I stand planted, feet apart, in my body, and focusing on my core I imagine roots growing far and wide into the earth.

It forces me to get present where my thinking gets quiet.

Very few who have experienced trauma really recover and live happy, joyous and free.

When I hear that it reminds me that I want to be one of those who do, no matter what.

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Just A Passing Car

I saw you the other day.

I was driving down a road on a time I normally don’t, in a huge city, and you passed right by me in your car.

I don’t know if you saw me, but I saw you. I hadn’t seen you in a long time. But that day, in this big city, on that road, at that time, we passed each other.

And all of a sudden it was fresh again. The feelings I keep thinking are gone and worked through just pop up again like it all happened yesterday. I felt sadness and a sense of loss, still, after all this time.

Like I still miss you. I still can’t believe you left me. I can’t believe you chose someone else.

When we were together I never once pictured a time when you might be holding someone else at night, like you were holding me, like you are probably holding her now.

I was so sure it could never happen, like I knew the ending of a story I had read in my favorite book a thousand times.

I was so sure.

I was wrong like I’ve been so many times before about things I thought I was certain of.

Maybe this feeling will never leave. I fear it will never go away like a coffee stain on my favorite white t-shirt.

Love doesn’t ever go anywhere, even when the physical world breaks you apart from someone.

It’s all still like a dream that I woke up from, falling to floor of the truth after floating in what I thought was real. I guess you never felt the same about me as I did about you. I must have made it all up in a reality that I had created just to pretend.

I try to be happy for you.

If this is what you want, then it’s what I want. Above all else, the only meaning of true love is without conditions, which means that love doesn’t need to be returned.

Today, I want nothing from you but for you to follow your heart always, wherever that takes you.

Today you are only just a passing car in my life. Here one moment and gone the next like a stranger, like you were never even there.

That is how things are today.

The one thing I am grateful for is that I got the chance to experience loving you, even though it was one sided.

I wish you everything you dream for in life.

My love and prayers are always with you, my passing car.

The Presence of God

When you are truly happy,

and you look back and see that every second in your life was necessary,

that it has brought you to where you are now,

that all of it happened for a reason,

when you know you’ve learned so much from your experiences,

that you cannot be who you are without it,

that you couldn’t have orchestrated it better even you tried,

when you wouldn’t take back a single thing,

when you’ve helped save someone else’s life with a similar story because you survived yours,

when you’ve become grateful for all the joy and all the pain,

you will know the existence of a God that is pure love,

and you will feel the presence of that God in every moment.

Breaking The Cycle

Taking an honest look at my past is valuable because it can be used as my doorway to freedom.

I say this because unless I know where I came from and what those experiences taught me about the world I live in, I won’t be able to see how and why I keep recreating it over and over today.

The continual unconscious drive to keep living out the same insanity keeps me in bondage.

Unless and until I become awake to the patterns of my actions and the underlying beliefs behind them, I am unable to make new choices and do something different for a different result.

As a survivor of molestation by someone who was supposed to be my protector, I have continued out that cycle by the choices I have made in my intimate life.

What seemed “normal” to me was that the person who was supposed to protect me was actually my abuser, like a kidnapped victim falling for their kidnapper.

I couldn’t see what was actually happening.

I didn’t understand why this was happening over and over again.

I didn’t know that I was the one who was creating it now.

I have become to see this play out in my life today and now can recognise it much quicker and finally have the awareness to make new choices and take different actions that lead me towards a better existence.

More consciousness develops from this inside work.

I get closer and closer to the life I want.

That is what I call freedom.

Spiritual Solutions Along With Therapy

Connecting my mind, body and spirit has been the new part of my journey.

I’d most of the time rather not be human and live in a different dimension.

I didn’t understand or like the fact that even though I am spirit in human form, I must live as a human. To survive my past I must work through the process of how to be free from it.

Never really knowing that the trauma I’ve lived through had been living in the cellular memory of my body, nor understanding how much it owned me and my present life, I had been a prisoner to it.

I have been now working through the process of bringing to my consciousness the events that have been suppressed my whole life, through EMDR therapy.

I had many previous judgements about therapy, having little use or faith in it.

However, I have been so fragmented, cut off from so much of my human self, including my feelings and deep beliefs about myself and the world because of my experiences.

My spiritual guide said my house (human) is just under repair and the end result of this work is freedom.

Through all this I just keep on doing these things:

Trust God

Clean house

Help others

Is Life Supposed To Be Hard?

There’s so much beauty in the world.

It’s in every moment.

Only if I’m constantly looking back into the past or planning, worrying or stressing about the future, I can’t see the beauty and amazement that lies in what’s right in front of me.

Some say life is tough.

They say it’s supposed to be hard.

I’ve thought that before.

I think it is hard if you believe it is supposed to be hard.

I am eternally thankful that I’ve had a different experience now.

I’m more free now than ever before, not because life has gone or suddenly started going my way but because I gave up resisting everything and everyone.

I strive to remain present.

By giving up resistance I find I don’t need to suffer.

How can I judge what’s happening when I can’t see the end result?

What my experience tells me is that allowing what is to just be, I am happier, calmer, more peaceful and joyous.

Living in gratitude for what I have just brings more into my life.

The universe comes to me and my life just becomes a whole lot better.

Out of Self

When I am suffering, the answer may seem to be to delve into “self” and go into past stories of my life to find the answer to my problem. Some may say we need to “process” what we’ve been through to get to a state of well being.

Yet my problem is of a spiritual nature.

And every spiritual teaching tells us that the answer is to get out of self.

The idea of self is just ego trying to create separation between ourselves, God and others.

The more I go into my story, my past, my own suffering, I just get more of the same.

When we get out of self, remember that we are not separate at all, we finally feel the oneness with all that is created.

We know we are just a part of the same whole.

We find relief in giving more love to others, taking less interest in our own selfish wants and desires.

We find we are understood only in the understanding of others.

However we cannot fully understand and accept others until we love them unconditionally first.

We find comfort in comforting others.

The peace and comfort I wish to find is never in the seeking for myself.

Today my only goal is to be loving to those in my life.

I never know if I’ll have a tomorrow.

The Story Of My Life

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I have a story.

My story is of some value as long as I don’t get lost in it, as long as I don’t identify my true being with it.

It can help me relate with and connect with others. I can help people with the experience, strength and hope of surviving it.

My story can help me learn about what I want and don’t want to be today.

The mind, body and spirit are interconnected.  I am a being in human form, so I must allow myself to be human.

Whether I like it or not, I have a mind that has been conditioned by my past and that is what I want to break free of.

I no longer want to buy into the ideas I received from the world and people in it.

I don’t want to live like I am what happened to me.

These ideas about myself and others keep me in bondage.

I want to live in truth.

If I don’t take a look at where these ideas have and still play a part in how I experience this human journey, I can’t be free of them.

The work is in becoming conscious of and making sense of my past so that I may help others do the same.

I want to be free of it.

The good news is through every painful time, there is a beginning, middle and end.

Sometimes it’s just about holding on.