I Wonder

I wonder if a baby bird feels fear the very first time it jumps from the branch in flight, testing its wings? Or does it know that this is what its wings are for, and never doubts the power of the wind to take it where it intends to go?

I wonder if dolphins worry that when it goes deep under the oceans surface, whether there will be air to breath once they come back to the top of the water? Or does it trust that no matter how dark the waters get, there is light and life waiting up above?

Do ants wonder why they must work together to survive? Or do they innately know that the job they have on the ground is essential and equally important as all the others?

Does a horse take death personally and wonder why it gets sick way before most humans, and that it must eventually leave this world?

Do roses that were once in full bloom, bright and vibrant, get resentful at the other infant roses in the same bush ready to open to the light, as it browns and shrivels up? Or does it know it must die for others that are part of the same whole to live?

I wonder why I worry about a life so easily set in front of me, seemly dark at times, when God lights my path every step of the way..

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Well Hello There Life!

imageI realize that as I do all these things to figure myself out…

Life is passing me by.

I operate under the belief that I have all the time in the world…

When in truth that is the lie.

It’s an excuse to hide.

I think I’m just making myself better, by analyzing my behavior and reviewing my history…

Yet without balance I am no longer really living.

There is no better version of me…

I’m just me, complete already.

As I wait and strive for perfection, the perfect job, perfect home, perfect romance…

The truth is that “perfect” only exists in my mind, the same mind that will never admit perfection even if perfection were to arrive.

Because the mind will only then want something else, something better.

The solution…

Is to go live an incredibly full and messy life, allowing it to be all what life is.

What better time than in “the now”?

Facing The Hard Stuff

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As I sit on my wooden patio, the warm morning sun shining down on my face, in my favorite patio chair working on a writing assignment as part of my step 12, I am consumed by the past.

Something I try daily to avoid thinking about, as much as I try to keep it away and pretend I have no past, it’s still there.

I go through periods where I am able to be present, where I know that today I am safe, I am okay.

Then it oozes in through the cracks.

Something someone says will remind me of what happened and I realize I am not over it yet. I think I have worked through a specific resentment or fear but it pops back up like that Whack A Mole game.

As much as I want complete freedom from being affected by my past, I cannot attain it by avoidance.

I must face these events, beliefs and fears, leaning into them so that I can rewrite the story I tell myself and gain clarity.

Though I know the freedom I gain from looking at these feelings and areas that cause me pain, there’s this part of me that feels like I will break in two if I allow myself to really feel the feelings attached to my past.

The reason why I sit here on my patio in the fresh air and morning sun today, though this work is not my idea of fun, writing about the things about my life that still affect me and facing my fears, is so I can read it to someone, gain an outside perspective and ask God to remove these things from me so I can be free today.

Again my goal is to be present today.

To enjoy the moments of this precious life and find peace is what I’m seeking.

I chase it the way I chased drugs and alcohol.

I’m seeking freedom.

To enjoy the moments of this precious life and find peace is what I’m seeking.

I’m seeking freedom.

11 Months

Today marks eleven months of sobriety without any mind altering substances.

Coming to believe in an all loving creator has transformed everything about me. Building a relationship with my creator, placing my life in his hands and slowly walking step by step, hand in hand with faith, has made this last eleven months the most amazing time in my life.

It has been full of triumphs and heartache. I have had moments of feeling lost and moments of bliss.

That’s the human experience.

Most of all, I finally have the solid belief that anything is possible and limits have seemed to fall away.

Continually I learn, grow and awaken.

How could I not be grateful for my life as it is today compared to how I’ve lived before this?

Simple Spiritual Principles

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How do I change the world?

I change myself.

I start with me and consistently, though never perfectly, focus on being the kind of person I would like to see in the world.

I’m true to myself no matter what. When I can do no other, when I feel that feeling deep within that an action must be taken or words must be spoken, I do so.

I do my very best to exist in the world without judgement of myself and my actions, and therefore have no right to judge another.

I strive to not cause spiritual, emotional, mental or physical harm to myself or anyone else.

I love without conditions. I don’t need to do or be anything to be deserving of love nor does anyone else.

I stay present. The past is history and future is unknown so why live there and miss the miracle of right now.

I thank God every day that I am still breathing, my heart is still beating and I have two feet on the ground.

And I serve God and my fellow humans as best as I can, as my primary purpose every day.

With these simple principles, the world I live in does change.

Or at least if only to me.

Are You Listening?

I know you’re paying attention
Listen here for truth
In yourself
The voice of being

What does it say?
True freedom like none other
Lies in the following
What you just know

Scary, it certainly is
But on the other side
Of courage
Are miracles awaiting

The only thing between
You and the best things in life
Is you
So do without judgement

Don’t fear being you
What God intended you to be
Let opinions slide off you
And live your truth

Hard To Be Human

It’s hard to be human most of the time. When awakened and all of the awareness and intuition floods in, the thinking mind works even harder to block it, figure it out and keep us from the truth.

A pattern I have been trying to break for a long time is denying the truth I know because my mind doesn’t want it to be true.

Why?

Because my mind is a place full of fear about what is. It then projects a future that either unrealistic fantasy or tragedy. In judgement about what is, my mind labels the present as “good” or “bad”. Obviously when it goes the way I want the judgement computes as “good”.

When it doesn’t, it appears to be “bad”.

It tells me that this is not supposed to happen or I would be better off, happier, if it would just would happen the way I think it should.

Never does it tell me that what’s happening is happening because it’s meant to, that not only are things unfolding in a divine way that is beyond what I will understand but that I need understand nothing.

Again, this incessant need to understand is from my thinking mind. And there are no answers there.

My soul just wants to experience.

So thinking is my only problem, all thinking. Without judgement there are really no “problems”.

The struggle is when to do and when to not do.

What can I change by doing and what matters little in this unfolding of the universe?

Again I am brought back to the only answers I know at this point, unconditional love, courage, living truth, being present and being the light.